It's been awhile.

It's not that I haven't been eating my diet food, because God knows I have. It's that I've sort of lodged myself into a routine with my diet foods and nothing particularly promising has shown up. So I will open myself up to the readers (of which there are.... um.... four or five?) and ask you to throw any diet foods that you want reviewed my way. I ain't picky. If it has the words 'low fat' 'whole wheat' 'diet' or 'Splenda' in the title, then I'll ingest it.

I have some other more interesting stuff to write about, but since I did start this to review, I'll put in a short one on a diet food that has been in my house since we got our membership to Costco (the health food-obsessed girl's equivalent of VJ-Day; imagine me French kissing an unsuspecting Costco employee from underneath my jaunty sailor's hat.) This food does not bill itself as diet, which means I hesitate to review it as I promised myself I would only review the 'lite' version of regular things. But I think as a service to people everywhere, these deserve to be in the public consciousness.

FiberOne Chewy Bars

Remember one of my number one diet rules, always eat breakfast? Well, there's a caveat. Yes, you should always eat breakfast, and if you have never done so before, I don't give a shit what you're eating, just shovel something in. If you already eat breakfast and have gotten into the habit, now I will tear you a new one. What are you eating for breakfast? Chances are it is a bagel, some sort of Cornflakes or Cheerios, some variation of McMuffin, or a Nutri-Grain bar. Now, all food has some sort of value, in that it provides calories, at least. But here's a secret. Anything you get at the Panera drive-thru is probably not as good for you as you'd like to think. Here's why- first off, anything that you purchase at a restaurant is probably going to have twice the amount of fat and calories as something you buy at the grocery store. That's what makes it taste good! Fat is delicious. But unfortunately, it tends to migrate to your ass and next thing you know you are me, a victim of 'skinny fat' (skinny person with one fat body part- mine is the upper thighs.) SO. Try to limit your buying breakfast on your way to work from a drive-thru window, unless you have no other options. You will thank me when you suddenly have fifteen extra dollars every week. Amazing how money adds up when you don't eat out every day! Some people still have not grasped this.

ANYWAY. Now I will berate you for your choice of eating at home. Again, Cornflakes and Nutri-Grain bars are a good start, and if it's all you can stand or something, then they will absolutely do. But I have another secret. Lots of people eat Nutri-Grain bars, thinking they are some super healthy brain food and feel all self righteous; oftentimes these are the people that refer to a meager bowl of white iceberg lettuce drowned in bacon bits, cheese, and ranch as a 'salad.' But let's look at the nutritional value. I have in front of me a box of strawberry Nutri-Grain bars. Kristi Yamaguchi is smiling back at me from the front of the box. I don't hate her, but I hate Kwan. Raymond and I applauded when Kwan fell during the Olympics. We don't like her. Not sure why. Anyway, by studying the nutritional info I see that each bar has 130 calories, 30 from fat. Not bad at all, but let's consider the real important part of all of this. If you've ever read my blog, you know that I believe that lots of fiber and lots of protein are essential to a good diet. They keep you full, keep your muscles working at their peak and they help you poop. Is there anything more important than that? Hell no. And Nutri-Grain bars only have 2g of fiber, or 6% (this should be 8%, actually, so it's more like 1.5 grams) and 2g of protein. And the first ingredient here is the ominiously vague 'filling', which consists of high fructose corn syrip, strawberry puree concentrate, glycerin, sugar, and then lots of big scary words and some food coloring. You do get a decent amount of calcium out of these, and some vitamins, but really, this isn't that good for you. You could probably eat Sprees or something and it would be roughly the same. But they're so convenient! And it's a granola bar, right?

It's time to let the real fucking granola bar around here come in and take over.

FiberOne is a company after my own heart. I mean, they are dedicated to fiber. I am dedicated to fiber. I really believe it is magical, mystical, healing, and probably was the gift of one of the wisemen at the birth of Christ. Why is fiber so awesome? Well, first off, you can pretty much subtract the calories in your food from fiber from the total, because your body doesn't really digest it... it just sort of passes in your poop. Which leads me to- fiber makes you poop. In my opinion, you can attribute a chronic shitty attitude in a person to two things: lack of sex and lack of poop. This is why chronically shitty people are sometimes called 'tight asses.' Which leads me to- math. Put food in, poop it out, voila, food is not settling on your lower back to create love handles. Also, it's good for your heart or something. Bottom line: fiber is good. Things with lots of fiber are especially good for you (wheat bread, Grape Nuts, veggies- please refer to my fun graphic.) This means that everything FiberOne makes is good for you (FiberOne representatives, feel free to send your complimentary merchandise my way for this free advertisement.) Just how good are these FiberOne bars? Well, they contain.... wait for it....

36% OF YOUR DAILY FIBER.

That's a lot. I would wager to guess that for the majority of the American population, these 'chewy bars' contain more fiber than they consume in an average day. And even better, these have a mere 140 calories per serving, or 10 more than a Nutri-Grain bar, but 7 more grams of fiber! AND high fructose corn syrup isn't even on the label for at least three or four ingredients (This might matter to you. To be honest, I don't care about high fructose corn syrup. Maybe it's those incredibly persuasive commercials. It's just corn! Makes me wonder why we don't sweeten things with green bean syrup.)

But how does it taste? We've all seen those commercials for Baked Lays are some sort of 'healthy' version of Lays potato chips involving the cartoon ladies. I don't like those commercials because they perpetuate all sorts of food penance/food is morality unhealthy behaviors, but one of them is sort of true- the one where the lady is eating some sort of fiber-y snack and choking it down because it's so dry and dusty. I think this is why a lot of people are scared of fiber- traditionally, things with a lot of fiber are kind of cardboardy. At least according to other people, they are. I have made it my lifelong mission to find delicious sources of fiber, and I am happy to report that these 'chewy bars' are on that list. And chewy they are. These take a while to eat because you gotta masticate the crap out of them, but it's worth it. They are held together with some kind of viscous honey-like deliciousness and drizzled with chocolate. They taste nothing like cardboard and everything like yummy. My only complaint is that they are just a little bit short and leave your fingertips a little sticky, but nothing a good licking won't fix.

Now that I have showed you the path to a healthy bowel and a healthier breakfast, you have no excuse for not eating the FiberOne bars. If I see you eating a Nutri-Grain bar, I now reserve the right to slap it out of your hand.

FiberOne Chewy Bars have 140 calories per bar, 35 from fat, with 9g of fiber and 2g of protein.

More stuff and things

This summer I've been largely unemployed, except for 75 bucks a week for a show I'm doing and sporadic monies from what I call my 'contracting business' (whoring myself out in all manner of costumes or what-have-yous for events, etc.) And with school only six hours a week, I've been trying to find things to do rather than sitting on my duff all day. I've taken up knitting- really, and it is HIDEOUS but I'm getting the hang of it- and become interested in alternate day fasting (see, it is relevant.) I first heard about this a few months ago in Shape magazine. The concept is that you eat nothing one day and eat whatever you want the next day. Everyone agrees that this is absolutely NUTS and not something you should do EVER. However, it has been shown to be extremely effective if you modify it slightly. The idea is that you eat about 20-50% of your average calorie intake on your 'low cal' days and eat whatever you want (in moderation, so don't go eating a whole box of Twinkies or something) on your 'normal' days. Studies have shown that most people actually eat only 10 to 20 percent more on their on days when doing ADF. Apparently, ADF can unlock the 'skinny gene', or SIRT1, which basically tells your body not to store certain things as fat... or something. I'm not a doctor. Look it up. Also, there are all kinds of studies out there anyway that advocate an extremely low-cal diet for its positive correlation with a longer lifespan. The thing is, can people deal with a diet that leaves you hungry as hell all the time?

Well, the answer, for me at least, is pretty much. I have a tendency to get really obsessed with healthy eating and feeling all sorts of nasty guilt when I eat something 'bad.' This is not a healthy attitude at all, and the ADF is actually easing it. The way I keep from getting ravenous is to plan to eat between 100 and 200 calories every two to two and a half hours. That way I'm stoking my metabolism while also avoiding getting weak with hunger. Plus, I always know that food is less than two hours away, which prevents what would be an inevitable binge if I were completely fasting. And the next day, I eat pretty much what I want. I eat really healthily anyway, but on the 'off' days I can ease up on portion controls a little bit. Let's examine Sunday- before church I had some watermelon and wheat bread with soy milk, and then went out to Bob Evans (I know, I know, but goddamn it was tasty) and got a big egg-white omelet full of veggies with biscuits and hashbrowns. Of course I had to sample half a piece of banana bread and half a dinner roll as well. Later that night I ate almost an entire margherita pizza from Bazbeaux and some salad and finished it all off with a piece of coconut creme pie. Normally, eating like that would have left me absolutely distraught, no matter how good it tasted. But the beauty of ADF is that I don't really feel guilty because I know that being 'back on track' is only a day away. In essence, you never really get 'off track.' Granted, I just started doing this a week ago so I don't know how long it will work in the long run... but I'll let you know. It's certainly better for you than starving yourself, and more feasible for a lot of people than doing a low-cal plan every day. And I think that it may be helpful for people who compulsively overeat, because over time you may find a balance. Just a thought.

Guest blogging!

Now, I love working out and eating healthily as much as the next person with way too much time on her hands, and I'll try anything that will make me sweat, but I have never gotten around to P90X. You know, those commercials with the people doing insane push up variations and getting washboard abs in 90 days? It always looked like a fad or a scam to me, like Metabolife or Atkins, but then I did a little research and found that a lot of normal folk had had great success on the plan. I even talked to a personal trainer friend who said that the muscle confusion theory is really successful- the idea is that if you are constantly changing up the ways in which you work your muscles, they will never become complacent and bored and thus you will always be making them stronger. The DVDs also come with a nutrition plan, so they don't market themselves as a quick fix- you've gotta be invested in the total program to see those kinds of results. So I've been very interested but didn't think I'd have the time or money to do it.

Well, luckily for me, my friend Bill does! Bill is going to be guest blogging here over the next few months while he does P90X. He's been getting back in to exercise and wanted to jumpstart it with the program, and I'm just pleased as punch that he's going to be sharing his experiences here on the blog. He's going to be so buff that we won't be able to resist him. Please refer to the graphic for what Bill's abs will soon look like (except I think that model is probably some sort of Latin, and Bill isn't... but who knows the power of the P90X?) I'm really excited to see how he likes it and to get his opinion out here (and, let's face it, I'm excited to see if it works so I can borrow it when he's done), so look for some material from him in the coming weeks.

And a recipe, because I'm awesome.

I've been fronting and saying I'd post recipes for some time now, but I think so far I've only posted one. So here's one. I made this the other night and invented it out of thin air, but it turned out pretty good. I usually shy away from raviolis because they are often laden with fat and calories, but I used special ones here. This is Italian food without feeling like utter ass later that night from being too full. Also, it has so many veggies that you may not even feel the need to add a salad. It's kind of a meal in itself. So read on.

Baked Ravioli with Veggies
1 package of wheat ravioli (I like Buoitoni, but you can use whatever, with whatever filling, but you want pasta with some fiber)
1 bell pepper, any color
1 red onion
1 14.5 oz can diced tomatoes
two handfuls of mushrooms
about 1/3 jar of pasta sauce- I used the super chunky mushroom from Ragu, because you get a full serving of vegetables per serving
1 minced garlic clove
Italian seasonings
shredded cheese- I used Parmesan, mozarella and Gouda
olive oil
two handfuls of spinach

DO THIS IN ORDER AND IT WILL ALL COME TOGETHER RATHER QUICKLY.

Chop up your bell peppers and onions and put them in a bowl with some olive oil and Italian seasoning. Shake the bowl to coat them, then roast them in the oven/toaster oven for 10 mins at 400.

While those roast, start your boiling water for the ravioli.

While you wait for that to boil, put your olive oil into a sauce pan and heat it up. Then put in your minced garlic clove and mushrooms and saute them for about three or four minutes. Then pour the can of diced tomatoes over it, stir it up, add some Italian seasoning and put the lid back on. Let it simmer while you put the ravioli into the boiling water and cook it according to the directions.

While you wait for all that, cover the bottom of a casserole dish with the spinach. Cover the spinach with some shredded cheese. By now your peppers and onions and ravioli should be done or close to it, so take the veggies out of the oven and drain the ravioli. Use the pot the ravioli was in and dump in your pasta sauce. Pour the mushrooms and tomato mix in with that; let it heat for a minute or two, then add the ravioli and the peppers and onions to it so everything is all mixed together. Add some Italian seasoning and let it sit on the heat for another minute or two. Now, pour half the mix on top of the layer of spinach. Add some cheese. Then pour the rest of the mix in and add some more cheese on top of that. Pop it in the oven at 450 for about 15 minutes, or until the cheese is all melty. If you use low or no fat cheese and wheat ravioli, this is a relatively low cal dish (probably serves four people.) But you can use all manner of cheeses and raviolis to make it as decadent as you wish. My version is meat free but you can certainly use turkey or sausage stuffed raviolis.

I love pasta. I could eat that shit every day.

Thus concludes the longest entry ever. Comment and let me know if you've tried P90X, ADF, or tell me your favorite way to get fiber!

Required reading

Ah, my last day of freedom with no responsibilities or 'better things to do' before summer school starts tomorrow. Five days was a nice break but I go crazy without actual demands on my time, such as a job or a class. No, this blog does not count as a legitimate obligation.

It's becoming fruit season around these parts so I've been basking in the glow of in-season cherries, pears, bananas, peaches, etc. and not eating quite so much diet food (I know, I know. I'm still me, I promise!) Or maybe I've just settled in to something of a pattern with my food and haven't sampled any diet stuff of note lately. But rather than just wait until I actually have something to write about, I have a better idea. Book reviews!

Required Reading for the Low Fat Sugar Free Whole Wheat Diet Blog!

I never really offered a good explanation of my nutritional pattern and the patented Erin diet. It goes a little something like this: lots of protein, lots of fiber, lots of whole wheat, not a lot of animal fat and oils, sugar in moderation, and lots of color. Notice how nowhere does that say 'low carb' or 'points' or anything like that. It's pretty much sensible. Don't eat shit that's bad for you. And if you're like me and the stuff that's bad for you is what you really want to eat, then find the diet version of it and eat away. And exercise, for the love of God.

I arrived at this plan through a lot of reading- of labels, magazines, websites, and books. If you're like almost everyone in the country, you've struggled with your weight or your attitude toward it. These three books pretty much changed my life. I don't say that lightly because I don't have a touchy feely bone in my body. They are straightforward, no bullshit, and body positive. I started this blog because I wanted people to realize that eating healthy is not all that hard. Believe me, for years I refused to even try to eat healthy because I didn't like it. Well, that's too fucking bad. Pull up your big girl panties and deal with it. The best way to stop feeling negative about yourself is to eat a little better and exercise a little more. Once you've got these habits then the obsessive thoughts and negativity start to subside and you can move on with your life and stop worrying so much about your body. It's just your body, anyway.

Now on to the books!

Magic Foods: Simple Changes You Can Make to Supercharge Your Energy, Lose Weight and Live Longer By Robert A. Barnett and Denise Webb

This manual comes to us from the fine folks at Reader's Digest. It is pretty much a Bible for my diet. The book first offers you some pretty basic tips to healthy eating, like making the majority of your bread servings whole grain, avoiding too much sugar, etc. Then comes the bulk of the book, the Magic Foods (I kind of wish the book were called Mystical Foods, because that would be awesome.) The idea behind the 'magic foods' is that all of them have a low glycemic load, which means something like 'it keeps your blood sugar stable.' This is important. You know how they say if you eat Chinese food you'll be hungry an hour later? It's because all of that soy and sodium and whatnot gives your blood sugar a quick spike and then a crash. This is also why you feel hungry after you eat a candy bar and why a Snickers for lunch, even if it does only have 180 calories, is really stupid. It's pretty much a beginner's guide to healthy eating, which is where a lot of us need to start. There are a few things I love about this book.

1. It represents all types of food. Some stupid people have recommended you don't eat carbs, or don't eat fruit, or avoid peanut butter and avocados because of the fat. These people are WRONG. All of those foods have nutritional value and you need them. Variety is really important. I think this is where a lot of us fall off the wagon and never get back on- we get tired of eating carrots for every meal. Well, guess what. You don't have to!

2. The book gives you portion sizes. This is hard for a lot of us to grasp so it's pretty helpful to get an idea of how much of something to eat. It also lets you know if something is particularly good for you so you can have more.

3. The 'make it a magic meal' section. This is probably the best part. It gives you a ton of different ideas for making a normal meal into something similar but way healthier. Example- converting that salami and American cheese on a white roll with chips and a Coke into a roast beef with lettuce and tomato on whole wheat with pita chips, a peach and water. That's not so hard, is it?

Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works By Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch

Deep in the grips of a cycle of binging and crash diets, my friend from high school, Mary Kate, gave me this book and told me it changed her life. At first I concerned the book diet poison and propaganda. I mean, DON'T diet? What the hell kind of philosophy is that? But the book really does make a good point. The main concept is in the title: eat what you are craving (as long as it isn't constantly chocolate cake or something), because more often than not, you will find yourself satisfied with a little of it and able to eat healthily otherwise. Honor your hunger. The idea here is that, by obsessively dieting, we often diet ourselves to a higher weight or completely wreck our metabolisms. The book also points out how our bodies will eventually defeat us if we try to lose weight in a way that isn't healthy or sensible. There are lots of 'Eureka!' passages in this book where you realize that you've been sabotaging yourself all along. To wit: the concept that if you are really craving something, you should go ahead and eat it, because otherwise you'll end up trying to fill that hole with other things until you've consumed more calories than you would have if you would have just eaten the fucking corn bread in the first place.

The thing I like about this book is the idea that we all have a natural weight; if you eat sensibly and exercise in moderation, you will reach the natural weight that your body wants to be. If you try to push yourself past that, get ready to fail a lot and be in a lot of pain. Also, don't be a dumbass. Eat when you are hungry.

FAT!SO? Because You Don't Have to Apologize for Your Size by Marilyn Wann

My sister was reading this book during one of her breaks from college when I was 12 or so. She had never been a pound over thin her whole life, but I was a pudgy girl who had hit puberty early and was bigger than her peers. Finding this book was really a life safer for me. The idea here is that IT'S OKAY TO BE FAT. Pretty revolutionary, right? And it is. The book does not use euphemisms. You are not chubby, portly, big boned, whatever. FAT. And they, or you, or we, or I, am fat and proud!

The main idea is that some people are just naturally fat. You can eat normally and get moderate exercise and still be fat. This sentiment is finally coming around to the American consciousness with the Health at Any Size movement. Fat people aren't gross, they aren't stupid, they aren't lazy or ugly. We come in all flavors and fat is one of them. Stop and think about this for a minute: are fat people the last acceptable group to marginalize? How many times do you hear people saying, "I hate fat people"? It's not okay. Fat people aren't hurting you.

I can't say enough good things about this book. If you are skinny, it will make you want to gain weight. It's wonderful. There are essays from fat people, man, women, teens, etc. There are tips on how to reply when someone criticizes your weight. But mostly, this book is about breaking free from the restrictions people put on us and refusing to bend to their standards. I can honestly say this book changed the way I view the female form and I'm so glad I discovered it when I was young and impressionable. I think a big, healthy fat lady is sexy and beautiful. There really is more to love. There used to be an awesome website where plus sized women could send in their photos and have them drawn in a very stylized and sexy comic book theme; it was awesome. We need more of that. Say it loud: I'm fat and I'm proud!

That's all I got. Comment and tell me how awesome you think these books are!

The puddin and the jello and the koo koo ka choo!

The quote above is courtesy of Raymond, doing his Bill Cosby imitation. No matter how many times he does it, I laugh and laugh.

Anyway! I do have a point. And that point is pudding, the least pointy of all foods. That staple of salad bars and Chinese buffets. I mentioned it in my last post, how I like my yogurt to be as thick as pudding. There is something infinitely satisfying in a nice big spoon of inexplicably jiggy-yet-stiff puddin. The last time Raymond and I went to Beef and Boards, we got a huge plate of nothing but pudding. It's like ice cream, but it doesn't hurt my sensitive front teeth (of the five or six episodes of Friends that I've actually watched in my life, only one exchange actually made me laugh- some guy was telling some other guy he was weird for not liking ice cream, and the guy replied, "It's too cold!" I feel you, man.)

I used to really love making the Jello Pudding from a box because I could mess with the chemistry to get it as thick as humanly possible. I pretty much want a cheesecake-like consistency. I would use half the amount of milk and a nice healthy dose of heavy cream. I tell you what, that thing about beating for two minutes? I rarely made it past one. It was that thick. And delicious.

But since then I have developed a grocery shopping and cooking habit, and since I can't control myself from cooking in bulk (I must have inherited my inability to make any dish that serves less than 8 people from my mom, who was one of 7 kids), I have very limited fridge space. So, no more making huge bowls of pudding unless I wanted to buy another Maytag. Also, the purpose of buying sugar free yogurt is kind of defeated when you use heavy cream.

But wait, what? You mean they make puddings in individual sizes? That are DIET? Oh, surely you jest.


NOPE.

Jell-O Sugar Free Dulce de Leche Pudding Cups

Just in time for Cinco de Mayo, it's that favorito Mexicano, dulce de leche! In case you hadn't noticed it, despite my mentioning it every two fucking seconds, I lived in South America for a few months (Uruguay and Brazil.) Though I was subjected to a smorgabord of disgusting edibles (mayonnaise covered pizza, for one, and pizza never deserves to be violated in such a way), I did eat a hell of a lot of dulce de leche. If I remember correctly, it's made with a lot of brown sugar and condensed milk. There's a lot of dulce de leche in the States now, so I don't need to explain it to you, but it's pretty much carmel. As a side note, I had more delicious pudding-like desserts in Brazil than I can possibly relate to you. One of my favorites was torta da bola, which amused my friends to no end because it means 'ball cake' and it sounds funny with an American accent. It was a shit ton of egg whites, sugar, and condensed milk with pieces of chocolate 'balls'. Holy eff, was it ever yummy.

Anywho, these pudding cups are not just little bowls of dulce de leche (though that would be delicious and exactly the kind of thing I would eat, as I often prefer condiments to their vehicles.) That is the topping, and the rest of it is some sort of flan-like custard. You don't get a whole lot of topping, and it's a little thinner than I would have liked- the dulce de leche I am used to it so thick that the spoon gets stuck by the end of the stirring. However, I suppose that would make it kind of difficult for the little robots to put dulce de leche into the cups without their mechanical arms getting gummed up, so I'll forgive them. Because these things are really good. I don't know that I would call them delicious, but they are pretty damn tasty. The custard part is satisfyingly thick and if you use a small enough spoon, they actually take awhile to eat (in my quest to stop eating two desserts I have taken to eating my pudding with a baby spoon that belongs to my two year old niece. If that isn't pathetic, I don't know what is. But it's working.) They aren't some paltry, pansy-ass tiny pudding cups. That is a rip off and I wouldn't reccommend them if they did that to you.

The most awesome thing about these pudding cups? 60 calories. No lie. That means you can ditch those pathetic little Oreo 100 calorie packs that contain 3 sad little Oreo cakes. If you ask me, those things only serve to whet your appetite and make you MORE hungry for dessert. One of these pudding cups is enough for me. They are also sugar free, which is whatever to me, but you might care (maybe if you are on the Atkins diet? If you are, stop right now and e-mail me so I can give you the secrets of the patented Erin diet that actually works and doesn't involve eating mayonnaise covered bacon.) They do, however, contain 6g of something called 'sugars alcohol', and I don't know what that's all about but I do likes me sugar and me booze, so count me in. Hey, eat it with some margaritas and you've got yourself a regular fiesta! Cue the maracas and me wearing a headband and a deadstock bikini, doing the Frug with Elvis on the sandy beaches of Mexico. Ole!

Jell-O Sugar Free Dulce de Leche Pudding Cups have 60 calories, 10 from fat.

Other stuffs and things

In a shameless attempt to promote my blog, I joined Twitter. You can follow me by looking me up under the user name kodachromerin. If I get some followers I'll try to post mini-reviews or diet/fitness/food related stuff. Or just other boring updates about my life, but I'll try to keep those to a minimum.

Also, I am looking for some tofu suggestions. I had a block of extra firm that's expiration date was today so this morning I cut it up and fried it. So far I have attempted to eat it with a fork and some Trader Joe's garlic aioli mustard sauce for dipping. It's been... interesting. So any ideas would be appreciated.

I found a great website for healthy recipes: Eat Better America. A nice feature is their 'healthified' recipes- taking traditionally atomically fatty or unhealthy foods and substituting ingredients to make them healthier. I don't know about you, but my poor body is so used to eating super healthy everything and diet versions of things that I get a little sick to my tummy when I eat out and they use all real butter, fat, etc. (This is either a good thing or a bad thing.)

That's all for today. Follow me on Twitter! And comment and let me know how you use tofu. Bonus points if you can tell me how to make tofu pudding.

Yogurt: Dieter's Best Friend!

Oh, yogurt. My sister's three kids eat yogurt like it's their job, and I don't blame them. I for some reason remember not eating it much when I was young, but then Yoplait came out with their 'Whips', and I was hooked. It tasted like orange flavored air (or pina colada flavored air, but I think they discontinued the pina colada flavor for some reason.) Then they came out with the chocolate Whips, which were even more awesome, like a healthy version of chocolate mousse. But a few too many yogurt stains on the table cloth slowly led me away from the Whips until I couldn't even bear the sight of them in the fridge.

But then something happened- the TV told me to buy Yoplait yogurt. Really. There was a commercial, featuring that one semi-famous lady, where she was on the phone with a friend talking about how she could eat Key lime pie and Boston creme pie on her new diet. Surprise! She meant YOGURT! Oh, you kidder. Only fat people eat real Boston creme pie. Well, color me fat, because I love Boston creme pie. It is my favorite of the creme pies named for their place of origin. The Yoplait Light was fat free and low cal (100) but the one problem was that it wasn't thick. I had recently become addicted to the Trader Joe's yogurt, which was so thick it was like pudding but was unfortunately full fat. But I want that thickness! What do I do?

LUCKY FUCKING ME.

Yoplait Light Thick & Creamy yogurt

I happened upon this magical yogurt two weeks ago at Target, where I never ever grocery shop but where I happened to be while picking out a new lunch box (of course I had to get the one in the shape of Hello Kitty's head. It was necessary.) I just happened to walk by their dairy aisle and I saw it- Thick & Creamy. Even more low-cal than Yoplait Light. The flavor of choice? Cinnamon Roll. Oh fucking yeah.

First, a word about why yogurt is a dieter's best friend. Specifically, light yogurt, because it's generally very low-cal and low-fat. First, it's a serving of dairy, and regardless of what any stupid fad diet tells you, you need dairy because you need calcium. It's good for you. You don't want to get osteoporosis and end up on Boniva commercials like Sally Field (well, I do, because bitch be makin money, but I digress.) Also, there is research to suggest that servings of milk that come from food can help you lose weight. Second, yogurt has a lot of protein, which is
a staple of any diet. Here's a tip for you- when choosing what to eat based on labels, look at total calories, calories from fat, fiber, and protein. Lots of fiber and protein, in my book, will cancel out a high calorie count because it will keep you full for a good long while- in other words, it will be worth it. This is the difference between eating 500 calories worth of yogurt and 500 calories worth of Doritos. To recap: yogurt is low-cal, high calcium and will keep you full. Go yogurt go!


Now on to this particular yogurt. It is Yumtown USA. It is just as thick as I wanted it to be- it doesn't go anywhere on your spoon. It stays put. It's Jello-like consistency means it is that much more satisfying to eat and mystically keeps you full (I think) for longer than regular light yogurt, and definitely longer than the Whips. The cinnamon roll flavor is slightly tangy in the way that cheesecake is tangy. How good is it? So good that I about had a fit when I came home to discover that my sister's kids had eaten my yogurt. No, I wasn't mad that they had eaten my food- it's just food, I can by more. But I was heartily offended that they had only had a few spoons of yogurt each. That's yogurt abuse and I won't tolerate it in my house!

Yoplait Light Thick & Creamy yogurt has 100 calories per 6 oz serving, with zero from fat, and 5g of protein. It advertises 20% of your daily calcium and a hefty dose of vitamin D (the vitamin you get from the sun.) It comes in other delicious flavors like cherry cobbler and peaches and cream, so you can feed the fat person inside (or outside- it's delicious no matter you weight, and damn good for ya!)

Now for something completely different...

Saturday night I performed with Indyprov, Indianapolis's only independent improv comedy troupe, at the Bean Cup, an awesome little independent coffee shop in Greenwood. They had an awesome menu of really healthy food, in addition to being a kick ass enclave of local art and coffee. I had a really yummy vegetarian sandwich of mixed green, tomato, cucumber, red onion, red pepper, and provolone and multi-grain bread with a side of red potato salad. I have managed to copy it pretty closely at home but I'd go back just because the place is so cool and the owners are so friendly. If you are looking to support local business and eat some tragically yummy healthy food, check them out.

And! I promised a few updates ago that I would post some healthy recipes, but I lied because I can and it makes me feel powerful. But last night I made some homemade guacamole for a party and Bill told me to post the recipe to the blog because it was healthy and yummy, so here it is. Note: I have a hard time following recipes, because I add more of what I like, less of what I don't and every spice is to taste. So this is a guideline, and add whatever you like.

GUACAMOLE
2 avocados
2 roma tomatoes
1 small red onion
2 cloves minced garlic
1 jalapeno
1 serrano pepper
cilantro to taste
juice of 1/2 a lime
pepper, salt, red pepper flakes, whatever else makes it taste good to you

Mince all the veggies except the avocado. Put them in a bowl and shake them around good and let them sit so the flavors meld, about 15 minutes (you don't have to do this but I like to.) Cut the avocados in half, take out the pit and scoop the green innards into the bowl. Mash it all up (I do it with my hands), adding spices until you get it the way you want it. Add the lime juice last and serve. Carrie says that putting the pit into the guac keeps it from turning brown, so try that if you wanna. Wee!

That's all she wrote, and by she, I mean me. Comment and tell me about your favorite yogurt commercial, what you put in your guac, or what you like to order at the Bean Cup!

Waffles!

Diet rule number one: EAT BREAKFAST. I cannot stress this enough. Every dieter knows this. If someone is skipping breakfast in order to lose weight, they are not on a diet. They are misinformed! Thank God you all have me around to tell you what to do. I'm not sure why you are supposed to eat breakfast; I've heard conflicting scientific reasons, things that have to do with metabolism and whatnot. But I eat breakfast because otherwise I'll be fucking hungry, and because I will eat more throughout the day if I don't have some. And you're more likely to fall prey to the doughnuts or crispy fatty nuggets or whatever that people always bring to work. Diet over (but in a delicious way.)

For years and years (junior high up until about a month ago), I had Slimfast for breakfast every weekday. It was just the easiest thing to grab, in addition to being pretty damn healthy (lots of fiber and vitamins, protein, and really low cal) and fairly tasty. It kind of was the perfect breakfast. I don't think it made me lose any weight, but it probably kept me from gaining any. If you need a diet breakfast, or if you don't eat breakfast, I would start here.

However, the nutritionist doesn't like Slimfast. Or, rather, she has encouraged me to eat something with my Slimfast. Um, hell no. What's the point of the fucking Slimfast if not to use it as a meal replacement? You don't NEED anything else. That's why Slimfast contains every vitamin in the world, plus every element on the periodic table, plus more fiber than a prune factory. My sister did once say that she would drink Slimfast as a beverage with her meals- a nice breakfast of pancakes with sausage and a Slimfast to wash it down. Why weren't you losing weight? You were drinking the Slimfast!

So, partly to appease the nutritionist and partly because I have more time now on weekdays mornings to eat at home, I have tried to reserve Slimfast for breakfast for only the days I have school at 9 am (Monday and Wednesday.) The other days of the week I will have oatmeal with some honey and almonds, or fake bacon with an egg or two, or some sort of fiber-y wheat-y cereal, or.....

MOTHERFUCKIN WAFFLES.

That's right. You read it correctly. But Erin, how can this be? Waffles are made with all things delicious and terrible for you- butter and sugar and white flour! And covered in syrup! And they have no nutritional value!

NOT THESE WAFFLES!

Kashi GOLEAN Waffles

They're a miracle. Seriously. I think Jesus has already been resurrected, because he visited the Kashi factory and touched these with his blessed hands. And I thank him for it.


I know what you're thinking. Diet waffles? Lots of diet versions of delicious things are really terrible and taste like they're either made with pure Sweet n Low or a healthy dose of seaweed. So I was understandably a bit wary of the GOLEAN waffles (I find it hilarious that it's all in caps, even on the Kashi website.) But I'd been considering buying them for weeks, and since I had found gluten-free pancakes at Trader Joe's for 230 calories per three, I was kind of one a roll. So I bought them.


This morning, I opened the box, after seeing that 2 waffles had less than 200 calories but 6 grams of fiber, I expected super tiny orphan waffles. Boy, was I surprised. They do not gyp you on waffle surface area here. These are honest to God waffles, a good five or six inches across. 2 definitely looked like they could fill you up. But the proof is in the pudding, so I waited until I actually ate them to make any wild claims.


BEST WAFFLES EVER. Sweet sassy molassy. They are fucking delicious. Strawberried, crunchy, sweet, with just that hint of wheat and good for you-ness that I enjoy. Damn. I can't get over how delicious they were. Also, 2 was definitely enough to keep me full for a good 4 hours, and sometimes it's a roll of the dice whether or not some starchy breakfast product will actually do its duty. I wanted to eat more of them but I didn't need to. I recommend the living crap out of these waffles.

I don't understand why anyone would ever buy regular waffles when these delicious and nutritious waffles are in the world (probably because they were around $4.50 a box as opposed to $3.00 for a box of Eggos.) Now, if only Kashi would come out with GOLEAN syrup, because I'm pretty sure the syrup I bathed my waffles in canceled out any nutritional value.

Kashi GOLEAN Strawberry Flax waffles have 160 calories per 2 waffle serving, 30 calories from fat. A 2 waffle serving of Eggo Homestyle waffles has 190 calories with 63 from fat, which makes it seem like the Eggo brand is pretty similar. WRONG. The difference in the actual nutritional value of your waffles- while Eggo has 2g of fiber (8% of what you need daily) and 5g of protein (10%), the Kashi waffles have 6g of fiber (22%) and 8g of protein. This means they'll keep you full longer and help you poop. And if there's one thing I'm an advocate of, it is pooping through the miracle of fiber. Wit that appetizing thought, dig in!

Sorry, no recipes today. I'm a liar. But maybe next time! For now, comment and tell me your favorite heart-stoppingly fatty breakfast foods!

BACON!

A wise man once said, "Everything good is better with bacon." Okay, that was me. But it was true as hell. Think of all things delicious. All of them have bacon on them. In high school, my friend Mary had a dream that an acquaintance of ours was suddenly hugely fat and was begging her to make him a "bacon cake." We then became obsessed with the idea of a chocolate cake wrapped with bacon. To this day, that still sounds delicious (footnote: in high school every so often our group of friends would have a party involving Starmeat, a meatloaf that we covered in sprinkles and colored sugar. You wished on Starmeat like you would a birthday cake. Those wishes always came true. Believe it.) In fact, there even exists a chocolate-covered bacon bar that I would devour if not for the fact that is has to be delivered by mail, and I'm too lazy for that.

There's also the deliciousness of bacon all by itself. Thick, perhaps maple syrup soaked slabs of bacon curling up and leaving a slug-like trail of grease in their wake, the satisfying muted crunch and salty taste. I will say here that the best bacon I have had in a breakfast restaurant was at Elegance in Brownsburg. They know how to do it up right. That place is also reputedly run by the Greek mafia, so give them your business and avoid having your fingers cut off and sent to your family one by one. Opa!

However, bacon is really, really fucking horrible for you. There's no two ways about it. Especially if, like me, you use bacon as a condiment to other really horrible for you things (bacon double cheeseburger, loaded baked potato, PBJ&B, etc.) Also, since I became a sort-of vegetarian (I refuse to call myself a vegetarian until I can resist the siren call of a salmon fillet or crab cake), I no longer can partake of the deliciousness.

Or..... CAN I?!?!

Well, sorta. It all began many years ago when I was a wee child and my sister was a vegan. She came into my room eating something that looked kinda like bacon, smelled kinda like bacon, but was decidedly not bacon. And she was eating it RAW (that was the coolest part at the time, obv.) What the fuck was this meatless wonder? Why, it was Morningstar Farms Bacon Strips!

Morningstar is kind of the bomb. Meatless meat is a tough to do up right. It's kinda of a crap shoot, especially when it comes to specialty things beyond 'meatless crumbles' and 'veggie burgers.' It's all about recreating not only taste, but texture. And for the most part, Morning Star can do that pretty well. I will say that their meatless crumbles aren't worth it. But when it comes to their breakfast options, they discovered the secret ingredient that makes you bound outta bed and come a-runnin' to the table as soon as the rooster crows (I don't know who these people are who have time in the morning during the work week to prepare and eat a feast of waffles, OJ, bacon, and fruit like they suggest on TV, but apparently they exist, so I guess when I say 'you' I mean 'those people.')

Morningstar Farms Bacon Strips

I'll start with the name. They don't even really tell you outright that it's not real bacon. Subliminal. I like it. The box is friendly looking enough; Morningstar Farms! It came from a farm! But this farm doesn't grow animals, it grows vegetables! More accurately, it grows BACON. Wouldn't that be awesome, if bacon were a vegetable? Or a legume? Definitely a legume.

Sadly, facon lacks that thick but crunchy texture of good bacon. However, it has a crispiness to which no real bacon could ever aspire, probably because I would (generously) estimate that these facon strips are a 1/2 millimeter thick. It is also saltier than any real bacon, and if you, like me, would happily purchase a salt lick for home use, that is a good thing. Like most meatless meat, it's not fooling anyone. This isn't bacon. But I do think it could pass as an animal product. It has that meaty essence.

I will warn you to exercise caution when heating these up. While I think it includes directions for stovetop frying and oven baking, I am far too lazy to dream of frying bacon in a pan (also, that sort of defeats the purpose of low fat bacon if you're going to soak it in lard anyway.) I heated them up on a paper plate for the suggested 1 1/2-2 minutes, and the middles were charred and black and stuck to the plate by the time they came out of the microwave. I ate them anyway. But just so you know.

Morningstar Farms Bacon Strips have 60 calories per 2 strip serving, 40 from fat. That's a bajillion times less than regular bacon, I promise.

I'll plug Morningstar's sausage patties while I'm at it. I've always loved these, even when I didn't eschew real sausage. They just taste so damn good. They even have that fatty aftertaste. Last week I used them in a quiche, and you couldn't tell. In a quiche texture is important, and they held up admirably. They have 80 calories per pattie, 25 for fat, which is quite amazing considering how delicious they are.

And for those vegetarians out there who want my opinion on the matter, Boca pales in comparison to the luminious shine of Morningstar Farms meatless meats. Boca is crap. Don't buy it!

That's all I got for today. Comment and tell me what sorts of baked desserts you embellish with bacon! Also, next time I may have a special treat as requested by Carrie... low fat recipes!

The oxymoron supreme- low fat ice cream!

It's been heating up a little around here, so I've switched my dessert preferences from baked goods to ice cream. Now, if you're anything like me, you cannot eat the suggested serving of a 1/2 cup of ice cream. I mean, really? The fuck? You think I'm going to eat- wait, you aren't serious. Oh my God, you're serious. Well, um, no. I need more like 2 cups of ice cream. And sometimes a second bowl. I have no self control (enter nutritionist.)

So the solution is not to eat less ice cream. The solution is to eat ice cream that doesn't make you fat! But since there is no such thing, ice cream that won't make you fat as fast is the solution. Low fat ice cream! Or sherbert, or sorbet if you wanna be pretentious.

Low fat ice cream is another one of those 'deal breaker' foods that people who hate diet food will generally refuse to eat on principle (see also, diet soda.) In my mind, ice cream is ice cream and is usually delicious regardless of fat content. But for those of you who disbelieve, I have made the sacrifice to sample several different kinds of low fat ice cream and review two of them.

Private Selection Premium Light Ice Cream: Peanut Butter Passion

This comes to us from Kroger's off-brand label. I am a fan of anything generic because, as a philistine with no discerning palate, I genuinely cannot taste the difference. And I especially like the generic ice cream because ice cream is expensive as hell. Why is that? Especially Edy's. Unless it has gold chunks in it, there's no way in hell I'm paying five dollars for a tub of dessert.

Anywho, on to the review. There are big ole chunks of peanut butter cup in this- not just the cheap peanut butter cup dust that most ice creams have. There is also a stripe of inexplicably gooey peanut butter twisting throughout it. I find that any ice cream that reports having chunks of something rarely has enough for me, so I will not hold that against this ice cream, but will simply comment that I wished, as I always do, for more chunks. I should probably just buy my lazy self some Reese's if I want something to bite into so bad.

Maybe it's because I've eaten low fat ice cream for so long, but I couldn't tell any difference between this and other kinds of ice cream. It tasted like, well, ice cream, and ice cream is delicious, thus this was delicious. Sweet and cold and peanut buttery. I recommend it.

Private Selection Premium Light Ice Cream in Peanut Butter Passion has 150 calories per 1/2 cup serving, 45 from fat.

Kroger Deluxe Reduced Fat Ice Cream: Rocky Road

Rocky Road is pretty much the perfect flavor, if you ask me. Chocolate with almonds and marshmallows? Delicion. The problem with marshmallows, though, is that I think you have to put them in the ice cream before it is packaged. If you go to some place like Cold Stone Creamery, their marshmallows will inevitably be hard as rocks and chip your tooth. Marshmallows are delicious no matter what, but still. I like the way my mouth looks with all its teeth.

Mm-mm! Doesn't that picture look delicious? Unforch, that is not what you will find inside your box of Kroger Deluxe. I didn't pick this ice cream; my dad did. His heart was in the right place. It's made with Splenda, which I usually cannot tell from real sugar (or at least I've trained my taste buds not to care.) Yet in this case I definitely could. It almost tasted like it was made with Equal or Sweet 'n Low. Also, way to skimp on the marshmallows. I think they in fact used marshmallow creme and not even real marshmallows! Imposter! And not many almonds here. Also, I prefer my chocolate base to be a little darker than the mocha-ish color presented here. However, hey, it's ice cream, I'll still eat it. But you won't be fooling your kids/friends/neighbors/mistress into thinking this is regular ice cream if they usually avoid low fat crap. Best to keep it to yourself.

Kroger Deluxe Reduced Fat Ice Cream in Rocky Road has 120 calories per 1/2 cup serving, 40 from fat.


That's all! Comment and tell me how much ice cream you usually eat in one sitting!