Waffles!

Diet rule number one: EAT BREAKFAST. I cannot stress this enough. Every dieter knows this. If someone is skipping breakfast in order to lose weight, they are not on a diet. They are misinformed! Thank God you all have me around to tell you what to do. I'm not sure why you are supposed to eat breakfast; I've heard conflicting scientific reasons, things that have to do with metabolism and whatnot. But I eat breakfast because otherwise I'll be fucking hungry, and because I will eat more throughout the day if I don't have some. And you're more likely to fall prey to the doughnuts or crispy fatty nuggets or whatever that people always bring to work. Diet over (but in a delicious way.)

For years and years (junior high up until about a month ago), I had Slimfast for breakfast every weekday. It was just the easiest thing to grab, in addition to being pretty damn healthy (lots of fiber and vitamins, protein, and really low cal) and fairly tasty. It kind of was the perfect breakfast. I don't think it made me lose any weight, but it probably kept me from gaining any. If you need a diet breakfast, or if you don't eat breakfast, I would start here.

However, the nutritionist doesn't like Slimfast. Or, rather, she has encouraged me to eat something with my Slimfast. Um, hell no. What's the point of the fucking Slimfast if not to use it as a meal replacement? You don't NEED anything else. That's why Slimfast contains every vitamin in the world, plus every element on the periodic table, plus more fiber than a prune factory. My sister did once say that she would drink Slimfast as a beverage with her meals- a nice breakfast of pancakes with sausage and a Slimfast to wash it down. Why weren't you losing weight? You were drinking the Slimfast!

So, partly to appease the nutritionist and partly because I have more time now on weekdays mornings to eat at home, I have tried to reserve Slimfast for breakfast for only the days I have school at 9 am (Monday and Wednesday.) The other days of the week I will have oatmeal with some honey and almonds, or fake bacon with an egg or two, or some sort of fiber-y wheat-y cereal, or.....

MOTHERFUCKIN WAFFLES.

That's right. You read it correctly. But Erin, how can this be? Waffles are made with all things delicious and terrible for you- butter and sugar and white flour! And covered in syrup! And they have no nutritional value!

NOT THESE WAFFLES!

Kashi GOLEAN Waffles

They're a miracle. Seriously. I think Jesus has already been resurrected, because he visited the Kashi factory and touched these with his blessed hands. And I thank him for it.


I know what you're thinking. Diet waffles? Lots of diet versions of delicious things are really terrible and taste like they're either made with pure Sweet n Low or a healthy dose of seaweed. So I was understandably a bit wary of the GOLEAN waffles (I find it hilarious that it's all in caps, even on the Kashi website.) But I'd been considering buying them for weeks, and since I had found gluten-free pancakes at Trader Joe's for 230 calories per three, I was kind of one a roll. So I bought them.


This morning, I opened the box, after seeing that 2 waffles had less than 200 calories but 6 grams of fiber, I expected super tiny orphan waffles. Boy, was I surprised. They do not gyp you on waffle surface area here. These are honest to God waffles, a good five or six inches across. 2 definitely looked like they could fill you up. But the proof is in the pudding, so I waited until I actually ate them to make any wild claims.


BEST WAFFLES EVER. Sweet sassy molassy. They are fucking delicious. Strawberried, crunchy, sweet, with just that hint of wheat and good for you-ness that I enjoy. Damn. I can't get over how delicious they were. Also, 2 was definitely enough to keep me full for a good 4 hours, and sometimes it's a roll of the dice whether or not some starchy breakfast product will actually do its duty. I wanted to eat more of them but I didn't need to. I recommend the living crap out of these waffles.

I don't understand why anyone would ever buy regular waffles when these delicious and nutritious waffles are in the world (probably because they were around $4.50 a box as opposed to $3.00 for a box of Eggos.) Now, if only Kashi would come out with GOLEAN syrup, because I'm pretty sure the syrup I bathed my waffles in canceled out any nutritional value.

Kashi GOLEAN Strawberry Flax waffles have 160 calories per 2 waffle serving, 30 calories from fat. A 2 waffle serving of Eggo Homestyle waffles has 190 calories with 63 from fat, which makes it seem like the Eggo brand is pretty similar. WRONG. The difference in the actual nutritional value of your waffles- while Eggo has 2g of fiber (8% of what you need daily) and 5g of protein (10%), the Kashi waffles have 6g of fiber (22%) and 8g of protein. This means they'll keep you full longer and help you poop. And if there's one thing I'm an advocate of, it is pooping through the miracle of fiber. Wit that appetizing thought, dig in!

Sorry, no recipes today. I'm a liar. But maybe next time! For now, comment and tell me your favorite heart-stoppingly fatty breakfast foods!