Soup! And other foods for toothless people

I finally did it. I got my damn wisdom teeth out. I've been putting it off for over a year now because I was just too terrified. Not of the pain, really- I've had jaw issues stemming from my teeth for years, and I doubted that the post-op pain would be worse than that (I was right.) I was really scared of the IV. I never used to have this huge needle phobia, and I still don't- I'm not thrilled to get a shot, but I can man up a little bit, with minimal tears. Getting blood drawn or having an IV placed is a different story. That shit ain't right. I just don't want anything in my veins; the very thought of it is horrifying to me. I was also terrified of the actual passing out- the counting backwards, that horrible feeling of falling and losing control. It makes me think of the people on Intervention, shooting heroin and then passing out and choking on their puke. Ew. I know it sounds really wussy for me to avoid this surgery that would have saved me a lot of pain and bullshit if I had done it a year ago because I was scared of the IV, but there you go. I even had gone to an oral surgeon at one point and talked about it, but when he told me I couldn't take a Valium before the surgery, I was out of there. But this time my jaw and mouth hurt so bad that my dentist refused to write me any more prescriptions for pain killers or Amoxicillin if I didn't just get them pulled, so I did. I asked them for the nitrous oxide before they even put the IV in, but when she told me, "Your fingers and toes might start to tingle," I started sobbing like I was going to the electric chair and didn't stop until a few hours after my surgery, because you best believe I was STILL CRYING when they woke me up.


Anywho, it does hurt, but nothing that sweet, sweet Vicodin can't control. What does suck is that I can't eat like I want to, and I haven't been able to since Tuesday of last week, when the jaw and wisdom tooth pain started and I stopped being able to open my mouth more than a few centimeters. Everyone knows that post-surgery, especially of the oral kind, you're limited to 'soft foods.' This generally means soup, pudding, and ice cream. For some people, this is really exciting- an excuse to eat all the ice cream you want! Not so for me. First off, if I want some ice cream, I'll just eat some fucking ice cream- I don't need an excuse. And second off, I don't want to eat nothing but ice cream. When I was a kid, I used to love Thursdays because that was the night my very health conscious mother worked late, so I was left with my dad, who doesn't cook. This meant I got to eat fast food. Sometimes, if my mom was out of town for something, I would get to eat as much fast food as I could ever want. As I got older, I realized that I wasn't really doing myself any favors by eating all that fast food. Yeah, it tasted good, but it wasn't worth it in the end. I feel that way about ice cream and junk food now. Yeah, it tastes good, and if I could eat it all the time, I guess I would, but I can't, so waiting until times like this to completely binge on it isn't really going to help me in the long run.

Plus, I'm used to eating healthy. It took me a really long time to get to where I am with my eating- to the point where I prefer to eat fruits and vegetables. I worry that I'm always on the verge of falling off the wagon, though. This week has proven that I am not. I MISS VEGETABLES. I think you can tell how nutritious a food is by its crunchiness. Usually, crunchiness denotes some kind of fiber, or at least a good high water content which means low cal. Watermelon? Apples? Peppers? Brocolli? Carrots? Crunchy. They take awhile to chew. Pudding? Soup? Ice cream? Un-crunchy. Fiberless, soft, and boring. But there is a reason they are recommended- I attempted to eat a salad the day before my surgery and found I was unable to get the fork in my mouth because I couldn't open wide enough, let alone chew the spinach to any sort of swallowable consistency.

Combine this horrible diet with an inability to exercise for my usual amount for a few days (Vicodin, while good at relieving the throbbing and tension, makes me a little sick to my stomach, and my legs sorta weak), plus the fact that I can't have any Coke Zero because I heard carbonation increases your chances of dry sockets, and I am ready to go Charles Manson on someone's ass. Seriously. Don't come to my house unannounced, because chances are I will be sitting on the porch cleaning my gun and looking for my next victim.

This presented a big problem. How do I eat healthy when I can't chew? It hasn't been easy, but I think I did a pretty good job.

1. Lentils. Lentils are miracle food. Packed with fiber, sometimes upwards of 40% of your daily value per serving, as well as lots of protein, they're kind of magic. Something this good should be illegal. And when cooked the right way, they're nice and soft and easy to gum! The way I've been preparing them comes from a recipe courtesy of a cookbook put out by Prevention magazine that I can't recall the name of (check out their cookbooks, though- I have a few and always get them at the library because they have some awesome creative and healthy, as well as easy, recipes.) Bring a cup of chicken stock and a cup of water to boil on the stove. Add 1/2 a chopped onion and a few good shakes of red pepper flakes. Add 1/2 cup of lentils while everything is still boiling. Simmer it, covered, for 20 minutes- if the lentils are dry after 10, add some more water. After 20 minutes, take off the lid, turn the heat on high and boil off the rest of the water if there's any left. Then add a shot of olive oil and some salt, pepper, and oregano. Delicious and soft. I added mushrooms and spinach to mine since my body needed things that had once been in dirt. Yum.

2. Smoothies. I'm not usually a fan of them, even though they taste good, because in general, they are nutritional nightmares. They usually involve some sort of frozen yogurt, hyper-sweetened fruit product, lots of excess milk and maybe a few shakes of protein powder. However, when you make them at home, you can control what you put into them, and save your five bucks that you would have spent on them somewhere else. I needed fruit, so I made smoothies. One I've grown to love is a few good handfuls of blueberries, a handful of frozen strawberries or cherries (or fresh is you have them, though make sure to take out the pits in the cherries), a generous splash of light vanilla soymilk (I like Silk brand), and either a scoop of light Activia vanilla yogurt or a scoop of chocolate protein powder. Voila- fruit, protein, and new chewing. If I had time to clean out my blender every morning, I'd probably drink these for breakfast pretty regularly.

3. Soup. It's a staple. I'm a sucker from french onion soup in particular, but it has to be the kind with a ton of croutons and a layer of cheese an inch thick on the top. I tried as long as I could to hold out on soup because it makes me feel like an invalid, but finally I couldn't take it and asked my dad to pick some up on his way home from work. Bless his heart, he bought all of the soups you use to cook with- cheddar cheese, cream of mushroom, etc. But he did get me a can of Campbell's Select Harvest Garden Recipes Harvest Tomato with Basil soup. I had never had tomato soup before- something about it just didn't seem right to me. It was too much like eating hot tomato juice. But I'll tell you what, it was good, and a bowl of it contains a serving of vegetables! I love anything sneaky like that. Each serving contains 100 calories, 5 from fat, and 2g of fiber and 3g of protein. Not bad for something you can essentially suck up with a straw. I dressed it up with some mozzarella and parmesan and it made a perfectly good breakfast. I'd eat it again, even if I weren't confined to only foods one can put into a feeding tube.

Exercise and the post-op

Unfortunately, I found that after my wisdom tooth-ectomy, I was a little more tired than usual- meaning I was so high on painkiller that I slept all damn day. Add to that the previously discussed shakiness and overall feeling of crap and I didn't do my usual hour of exercise. Luckily, a few weeks ago I bought Get Extremely Ripped with Jari Love. I love me some Jari Love- her DVDs all have titles like 'Get Ripped and Chiseled' or 'Get Ripped 1000' or 'Get Super Mega Hulking Ripped.' And she doesn't disappoint. She does high reps with few breaks and kicks your ass, with a focus on the arms. I especially like Get Ripped 1000 because you do step aerobics in between and by the end I'm so sweaty that I can barely see because it drips into my eyes. Most of her workouts are about an hour, but Get Extremely Ripped is actually 2 different 30 minute segments. I bought it for mornings when I have to do something early and don't have a lot of time; I figured they'd be good for my recovery since they're high intensity but not very long. And I have to say: damn. Just because they're short doesn't mean they don't kick your ass. I was sweatier than someone's swarthy immigrant dad after mowing the lawn (or my own swarthy dad after mowing the lawn.) It's mostly combination moves, with arms and legs, and you can use a step if you have it though there are modifications. I liked the little timer that pops up when you have 30 seconds to go. I don't recommend it for beginners, but I think people who work out occasionally (once or twice a week) might like it for an extra challenge. Do not think that all of her workouts are like this, though- her longer ones generally hit only one body part at a time, so while they are hard, they aren't as sweat-inducing as Get Extremely Ripped.

That's all I got! Comment and tell me if you give a damn about eating healthy when you're sick!

Peanut butter so good I wanna roll it in the hay

Well, it finally happened. I stopped counting calories.

Kind of.

It started right before my vacation. For a few months now I have been keeping a pretty close record of what I eat every day, and consequently, the calories; or I should say, the night before I would plan it out and follow it roughly. I did this mainly because I find a lot of comfort in the structure of having a schedule or plan, and I pretty much planned out in my head what I was going to eat the next day anyway, but by writing it down I could clear that space in my brain for more important things, like reality show contestants and Elvis trivia. I also did this because I love to grocery shop and thus always have a fridge that is full to overflowing, so by planning things out I could make sure I was eating the spinach before it went bad, finishing leftovers to make more room for new things, etc. But I will admit that planning to this extent is kind of unhealthy and a weird eating behavior, especially the calorie counting part, and it was pretty easy to get obsessed with it (kind of like the very special Full House were DJ got anorexia for a day.)

Of course the nutritionist agreed. "Blah blah, no food accounting, woo woo New Age-y Enya blah blah." I think that's what she said. So I struck a bargain- on vacation, I would resist the urge to plan and tabulate calories. This turned out to be the best idea, because as we all know, there ain't no time to count calories during vacation. I ate lots of red velvet cake, like I promised I would, and also some fudge, and other things that I don't usually eat. While on vacation I read two really interesting books that resulted in me not picking up my food journal at all since I got back. One was The Skinny: How to Fit in Your Little Black Dress Forever by Melissa Clark and Robin Aronson (I suggest you buy it on Amazon because not only is it cheap, there are lots of awesome and creative but easy and healthy recipes in the back that you'll want to have. For serious, it made me want to eat brussel sprouts, which I haven't eaten for approximately 15 years.) The gist of the book is to eat what you want and don't eat what you don't want, and to eat lots of fruits and vegetables and to eat in moderation. None of this should be news, but it really made me think.

For a long time, I associated any kind of 'bad' food, like white bread or cake or anything else 'empty' with no nutritional value with completely trashing my day, healthy-eating wise. Like, "Fuck it, I'm going to have the fudge, and because any hope of eating well today is now fucked, I'm fittin to eat all the fudge I can stuff into my food hole." I knew this wasn't the right way to approach it, but I honestly could never understand how other people could eat just one piece of fudge and then stop (this is a big part of my diet foods philosophy- I want to eat a lot of whatever it is that I want to eat, so it better be low-cal so I can do that without a ton of damage.) In The Skinny, the authors say that nothing is forbidden, which is common in almost every diet book. But they really focus on eating enough to satiate you or satisfy your craving, then stopping. Like, I only really wanted one piece of fudge, and I don't HAVE to eat the whole pan because if I really think about it, I'm good. The hard part about this is that they realize that it's really hard to say no when there's a plate staring you in the face, so they suggest you throw what you're eating away when you're done to keep you from picking at it. This is really hard for me, because I refuse to waste anything, to a degree that I don't think even people who lived through the Depression can understand. I think it comes from working as a costumed interpreter in an exhibit about World War II and rationing and having to pretend like I'd kill someone for the roast beef under their fingernails, and repeating the phrase, "Wasting food is like taking it out of someone's mouth" over and over. But they have a point. Most of us were raised, rightfully so, to clean our plates and not waste food, but most of us then grow into adults who eat waaaaay too much under the guise of 'not wasting it.' Important point from the book: if you cannot fit your sandwich into your mouth, you need to either throw some of it away or save half for later.

I also realized from the book that I really haven't been eating enough fruits and vegetables. This was kind of a surprise, because I consider myself a militantly healthy eater, never eating anything unless it has some sort of redeeming attribute, like lots of fiber or protein. But one of the main points of the book is to figure out what you really want to eat, and then building a meal around that. If you really want a piece of pizza, go ahead, but only have one or two and fill the rest out with salad or cauliflower. And when I started to think about it, yeah, I eat veggies and fruit every day, but it seemed like the majority of my diet was made up of protein and grain instead. Veggies I can sneak in anywhere, so I decided to start with more fruit. Oh, my Maude. I'm eating fruit I haven't eaten in years, and it is delicious. Plums, apricots, honeydew melon, all delicious and nutritious. So, I've been eating so many fruits and veggies that I know are low-cal that I'm not eating as much of the things that carry more weight, like bread and nuts or whatever, so I don't feel the need to worry so much about calories.

The other book was Breaking out of Food Jail: How to Free Yourself from Diets and Problem Eating, Once and For All by Jean Antonello. I picked this up at the library because I was interested in learning how to eat healthy but not think of it as a diet. Also, I wanted to see if it had any advice on the whole 'eating the entire pan of fudge' issue discussed earlier. The gist of the book is that most overeaters are actually undereaters, or at least started out this way. It's kind of a fascinating insight- a lot of people are dieting right now just to get back to the weight they were when they started dieting. That is a scary thought. The idea is that dieters are on a continuous feast or famine cycle, where they try to severely restrict their food intake to lose weight, but then end up fucking it all up by having a binge on chocolate frosting. And it is always something horrible like chocolate frosting, because your body is programmed to seek out the fattiest thing possible when it thinks it might not get to eat ever again. I started thinking: have I really been undereating that much? And the answer was: yeah, dumbass! The book says that by eating good quality foods (nothing empty, pretty much) whenever you are hungry to the point of being full (not just 'medicating' your hunger with a few little bites), that you'll pretty much be too well fed to ever binge or overeat. That makes a lot of sense to me.

So I'm trying it. By this I mean I'm definitely eating more, but as far as more calories, I'm not sure, because I haven't been keeping track. Basically, I try to eat something with fiber, something with protein, and some sort of fruit or vegetable with every meal, plus a snack between dinner and lunch. For example- old breakfast= a packet of oatmeal with a handful of almonds. Today's breakfast= watermelon, two egg whites with a torn up piece of turkey, and a bowl of shredded wheat. It looks like a lot more food, and it sure did fill me up, whereas my old breakfast, while probably containing roughly the same amount of calories, didn't keep me full for nearly as long. Also, I find that now, one piece of cake is good.

Note: this does not mean I have stopped counting cals completely, or that my love affair with diet foods is over. Diet foods and I are still meeting for a sweat sexy rendezvous in Argentina whenever we can and sending each other graphic e-mails. And calorie counting still sometimes sneaks in my oval office to give me a blow job. But the extent of it is picking up items in the grocery store, checking their calorie count and serving size, and then not really looking at that again. If I'm satisfied that I didn't buy anything with a horrifying amount of fat, then I'm secure in the knowledge that anything I choose to eat will probably be pretty good for me.

Peanut Butter- nut butter of the Gods

So on vacation, my dad and I made a little jaunt to Saugatuck, aka the Key West of Lake Michigan. I found all manner of quaint and adorable little shops, but one in particular stood out- a spice store that I wish I could remember the name of. I'm confident that it was the only spice store in Saugatuck so it shouldn't be too hard to find. I bought vindaloo spice and Asian spice and MOTHERFUCKING CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH PEANUT BUTTER. It sang to me from the corner, and I found it and immediately after purchasing it began to eat it with my fingers. I have a thing for peanut butter. I flove it. I used to be satisfied with just run of the mill Jiff, but then I discovered Peanut Butter & Co. They make all kinds of scandalously flavored peanut butters, like Dark Chocolate Dreams and Cinnamon Raisin Swirl. They're pricey, but they're worth it. I didn't think it could get much better than dark chocolate flavored peanut butter, but I was so wrong. The purveyor of said motherfucking chocolate chip cookie dough peanut butter is P.B.Loco. Just looking at the website by now, I literally started to salivate. I mean, is there anything more orgasmic than caramel apple flavored peanut butter? Or white chocolate raspberry flavored peanut butter? The answer: no. The chocolate chip cookie dough flavor is so chunky, so deliciously both dry and oily, so chocolatey and delicious that to eat it with anything other than a spoon would be blasphemy. No bread, no jam, no chicken breast or pickle can compete with that shit. I was all sad, thinking that I would have to bite the bullet and order it online because I can't live without it, but lo and behold, my local SuperTarget carries it! Unfortunately, the only other P.B.Loco flavor they carry is Jungle Banana, but I bought some today and am happy to report that it is equally amazing.

Which leads me to: why don't they make fucking diet peanut butter?! Peanut butter isn't all that bad for you. The fancier ones, like Peanut Butter & Co. and P.B.Loco don't contain any trans fat, and it does have protein and the good kind of fat that keeps you full. But two tablespoons (the general serving size) generally packs between 170 and 200 calories, plus about 25% of your daily fat needs. A few weeks ago, I looked at a jar of reduced fat peanut butter at Kroger, and the bastard had the same amount of calories, only less fat! Fuck that! I want some diet peanut butter. But until they invent it, I will just have to keep telling myself that by eating peanut butter with a spoon, I am sparing myself the calories of eating it with crackers or in a sammich.

Lastly, stuff about exercisin'

I have my own fairly complicated but steady workout plan- I work out every day for an hour, alternating every day between cardio and strength training. My cardio used to come completely from my exercise bike, where I did my own form of interval training which involves counting to four a lot and riding standing up. Needless to say, my bike is now kinda fucked, so I needed to find a way to give it a break. I read a review over at Fit Bottomed Girls of Mindy Mylrea's step workout Interval Express. They spoke quite highly of it, even giving it their highest rating ever. I was reluctant. I used to work out exclusively with videos, even for cardio. I was a normal weight, yeah, but it wasn't until I started hitting the gym and eventually got my exercise bike that I got to my current size, where I am much happier. I just didn't really believe that a DVD could ever give me the kind of workout that machines do.

I WAS WRONG AND I BEEN BORNED AGAIN. This workout is the shit. You need a medicine ball and a step, so it isn't completely equipment free. And the moves were kinda complicated at first, even for me, and I take one or two ballet classes a week. But it worked me, and it worked me but good. The difference between equipment and aerobics-based workouts are that in aerobics, you move your whole body, and that tires you out a lot faster than just using your legs. This DVD is based on intervals, hence the name, and they sometimes seem to go on forever. I felt like I got every bit as good of a workout as I do on the bike, so this DVD is now in the rotation. Apparently it has been discontinued by the distributor, which is fucking stupid, so order it when you can, or get it off Netflix.

That's all for now! Comment and let me know about your best peanut butter orgasm!

Sounds boring but isn't: Bread!

This weekend was hell on wheels when it comes to healthy eating. Two of my cousins graduated high school, which means open houses, which means, "Why yes, I would like a third piece of coconut cream pie." I even ate chicken. Nothing wrong with a little indulgence as long as you don't fall off the wagon completely (ed. note: not good advice for drug addicts or alcoholics) and get back on track, which is what I'm doing today, eating all healthy and doing countless mini-workouts from my new obsession, Exercise TV. It's brilliant! So many free workouts, and with forums, no less. Check it out at exercisetv.tv and be prepared to be overwhelmed with awesome.

Today I'm reviewing a staple in everyone's diets: bread. The much reviled (by me) Atkins diet and its many kin would have you believe that bread is to be avoided at all costs, but let's get real. We're Americans and we like our sammiches. But there is no doubt that sometimes bread and its ilk can wreak havoc on your diet, or at least your blood sugar. White bread is one of those foods that, IMO, should be at the top of the food pyramid with Snickers bars and pork rinds. It's a treat. That's why it tastes delicious. And like lots of things at the top of the food pyramid, the more you eat it, the more you crave it. Those yummy looking loaves of french bread with their perfect golden crust baked fresh everyday at Kroger taunt me, because they have no nutritional information, and that means they're hiding something. There's just not a whole lot of redeeming value in white bread.

The obvious solution would be to switch to wheat bread. Unfortunately, some wheat bread is really not all that good for you, either. Wheat is brown before it is bleached for white bread- thus sometimes you might be a loaf of wheat bread, thinking you're all healthy, but you are WRONG. I can't stress this enough: READ. LABELS. Just because a loaf of bread is brown and weighs about three pounds does not mean it will help you lose weight or even that it is better for you. As always, I recommend that you make sure what you're eating has some fiber. Real whole wheat bread should have at least 2g per slice; if you do your comparisons, you will find some with a lot more than that. Also: be aware that some of the denser, fancier wheat breads can pack up to 110 calories per slice. In fact, in front of me I have the half-eaten loaf of bread that my parents use to make their sandwiches, Aunt Millie's Multi-Grain Bread. I see that it has 60 calories per slice and only 1g of fiber (and this is on the far low end of the calorie spectrum when it comes to these kind of breads.) Might as well eat Wonder Bread.

But don't worry, because some people are awesome, and by awesome, I mean they created diet bread with redeeming nutritional value.

Healthy Life 100% Whole Wheat Whole Grain Bread

I first discovered this in high school, and it soon became a staple of my lunches- two pieces of Healthy Life bread with some turkey pepperoni and Swiss cheese. Why is this bread so awesome, you ask? Look no further than the label:

35 MO'FUGGIN CALORIES PER SLICE.

It don't get much lower than that, folks. I especially like this bread for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which are pretty good for you, but the fat and calories from the peanut butter tends to add up. By balancing it with such a 'cheap' bread, calorie wise, you can enjoy them to your heart's content. And enjoy I do. For, you see, not only is this bread amazingly low cal. Oh no. It is also high fiber. Two slices? 20% of your daily fiber.

This bread is the shit. It even bills itself as the "Original Dieter's Dream." Even if you aren't on a diet, you'll still enjoy it. It's not one of those things you eat when you're only on a diet. I won't bore you with things like how it tastes, because it's fucking bread. Most run of the mill sammich bread tastes the same. It's pretty damn good. And cheap, to boot, so there's no excuse not to buy it. Use it for toast. Use it for french toast. Eat it plain. I like to make it into a little egg sandwich in the morning- two slices, an egg white or two, and a slice of Muenster cheese with some mustard. They make buns, too, and Italian bread, and even DOUBLE FIBER BREAD.

Another reason why I love this bread? On its website it has a little page devoted to the benefits of fiber. God bless Healthy Life Bread. But don't take my word for it: here is a testimonial from the testimonials section of the website.

I just wanted to say that this is the best bread, 100%Natural Whole Wheat, I ate the entire loaf in one week. I even ate the ends of the bread.
Lyneth N.
Chicago, IL

See that? She even ate the ends of the bread. That's hardcore. I picture Lyneth eating this bread plain and straight from the bag. She probably didn't, though. But it is that good. I'd do it. Okay, I've done it.

The one drawback? It's a tad flimsy. You can make a good PB&J, or turkey, or pepperoni sammich with these, but what about something that needs a stiffer bread, like a veggie sammich? Don't worry. I got you covered.


Arnold Select 100% Whole Wheat SanwichThins

My mom turned me on to these when she brought them home a few years ago. They're quite cute as a novelty item- little round pieces of bread, reminiscent of a bun but not as fluffy. And the nutritional info is something to write home about: at only 100 calories per roll and 5g of fiber, I can't see anything wrong with them. But I can see something right with them.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about performing at the Bean Cup in Greenwood and discovering their delicious vegetarian sandwich. I successfully recreated it at home, but it needs a pretty sturdy bread to keep from getting soggy, what with all the tomatoes and cucumbers. However, I really dislike some of the heartier wheat breads. What to do?

It's SandwichThin time, bitch.

They're perfect. Sturdy and dense enough to house even the wettest of lunch meat and lunch meat accoutrements. My favorite thing to put on it? Aloutte makes a yummy lite dill spreadable cheese, which I put on one slice and top with spinach, red onion, and cucumber. Sometimes some red pepper. Altogether it's less than 200 calories for a good serving of fiber, veggies, and protein. Doesn't get much more awesome.

Now, some stuff about exercise

Lately I've been reading a lot of buzz about the Couch-to-5k program online. The idea is to get you from a couch potato to someone who can run a 5k without stopping in 9 weeks. From everything I've read, the program is completely doable and really life changing. I've read countless success stories.

I used to run, but only briefly, for about three months, and only because my elliptical machine was broken and it was my only means of cardio. I hated it. I really, really did. Maybe it was because I had no iPod, or maybe it was because I had improper shoes, or maybe it was because I had to run up and down huge hills in my rural neighborhood and past construction workers who would hoot and holler even though I was a sweaty mess in an oversized T-shirt with Garfield on it and a bright orange headband. Either way, having my elliptical back was the happiest day of my life. My route in those days was roughly three miles, with lots of hills, and I rarely ran the whole way- generally I would run a mile, walk for a minute, run another mile, walk for a minute, then finish.

The thing is, even though I hated running, I still really envy runners. My mom is one, and I'm really jealous of her strength and endurance. Every year around the Mini-Marathon I wish that I was still running so that I could do that. Also, I find the idea of having a form of exercise that you can do anywhere with just your running shoes to be very appealing. In fact, soon I will be heading out to a very rural town for the weekends to do some summer stock theatre, and I'm freaking out at the idea of having nowhere to work out. So, I'm considering doing C25K to kill two birds with one stone.

The only problem is, that whole running episode was over a year ago. These days, I am much more fit. I mean, waaaay more. I exercise for an hour every day, and generally do at least one other physical thing in addition to my workout, whether it is yoga, walking the dog, or ballet class- and of course, my beloved ExerciseTV mini-workouts. And I'm not talking about some namby-pamby pansy workout, either. I like my workouts HARD. I loved Jari Love's Get Ripped 1000- that's about the intensity I'm used to. So, as crazy as it sounds, I'm worried that C25K may be too easy.

I realize that running is a whole different ball game, and that my body will have to work to get used to it. But I'm kind of nervous that if I cut back my exercise to 20 minutes a day (which is how much you do on C25K) that I'm going to lose all of the strength I've gained. I've been considering maybe shaving a few minutes off my hour a day and doing C25K in addition to my normal workouts, but that seems like a lot and I don't know if I'll have the dedication. But either way, it's something to think about.

That's all! Comment and tell my your favorite sandwich fillings, or your experience with C25K. Hopefully next time I'll have some updates from Bill on P90X!

It's been awhile.

It's not that I haven't been eating my diet food, because God knows I have. It's that I've sort of lodged myself into a routine with my diet foods and nothing particularly promising has shown up. So I will open myself up to the readers (of which there are.... um.... four or five?) and ask you to throw any diet foods that you want reviewed my way. I ain't picky. If it has the words 'low fat' 'whole wheat' 'diet' or 'Splenda' in the title, then I'll ingest it.

I have some other more interesting stuff to write about, but since I did start this to review, I'll put in a short one on a diet food that has been in my house since we got our membership to Costco (the health food-obsessed girl's equivalent of VJ-Day; imagine me French kissing an unsuspecting Costco employee from underneath my jaunty sailor's hat.) This food does not bill itself as diet, which means I hesitate to review it as I promised myself I would only review the 'lite' version of regular things. But I think as a service to people everywhere, these deserve to be in the public consciousness.

FiberOne Chewy Bars

Remember one of my number one diet rules, always eat breakfast? Well, there's a caveat. Yes, you should always eat breakfast, and if you have never done so before, I don't give a shit what you're eating, just shovel something in. If you already eat breakfast and have gotten into the habit, now I will tear you a new one. What are you eating for breakfast? Chances are it is a bagel, some sort of Cornflakes or Cheerios, some variation of McMuffin, or a Nutri-Grain bar. Now, all food has some sort of value, in that it provides calories, at least. But here's a secret. Anything you get at the Panera drive-thru is probably not as good for you as you'd like to think. Here's why- first off, anything that you purchase at a restaurant is probably going to have twice the amount of fat and calories as something you buy at the grocery store. That's what makes it taste good! Fat is delicious. But unfortunately, it tends to migrate to your ass and next thing you know you are me, a victim of 'skinny fat' (skinny person with one fat body part- mine is the upper thighs.) SO. Try to limit your buying breakfast on your way to work from a drive-thru window, unless you have no other options. You will thank me when you suddenly have fifteen extra dollars every week. Amazing how money adds up when you don't eat out every day! Some people still have not grasped this.

ANYWAY. Now I will berate you for your choice of eating at home. Again, Cornflakes and Nutri-Grain bars are a good start, and if it's all you can stand or something, then they will absolutely do. But I have another secret. Lots of people eat Nutri-Grain bars, thinking they are some super healthy brain food and feel all self righteous; oftentimes these are the people that refer to a meager bowl of white iceberg lettuce drowned in bacon bits, cheese, and ranch as a 'salad.' But let's look at the nutritional value. I have in front of me a box of strawberry Nutri-Grain bars. Kristi Yamaguchi is smiling back at me from the front of the box. I don't hate her, but I hate Kwan. Raymond and I applauded when Kwan fell during the Olympics. We don't like her. Not sure why. Anyway, by studying the nutritional info I see that each bar has 130 calories, 30 from fat. Not bad at all, but let's consider the real important part of all of this. If you've ever read my blog, you know that I believe that lots of fiber and lots of protein are essential to a good diet. They keep you full, keep your muscles working at their peak and they help you poop. Is there anything more important than that? Hell no. And Nutri-Grain bars only have 2g of fiber, or 6% (this should be 8%, actually, so it's more like 1.5 grams) and 2g of protein. And the first ingredient here is the ominiously vague 'filling', which consists of high fructose corn syrip, strawberry puree concentrate, glycerin, sugar, and then lots of big scary words and some food coloring. You do get a decent amount of calcium out of these, and some vitamins, but really, this isn't that good for you. You could probably eat Sprees or something and it would be roughly the same. But they're so convenient! And it's a granola bar, right?

It's time to let the real fucking granola bar around here come in and take over.

FiberOne is a company after my own heart. I mean, they are dedicated to fiber. I am dedicated to fiber. I really believe it is magical, mystical, healing, and probably was the gift of one of the wisemen at the birth of Christ. Why is fiber so awesome? Well, first off, you can pretty much subtract the calories in your food from fiber from the total, because your body doesn't really digest it... it just sort of passes in your poop. Which leads me to- fiber makes you poop. In my opinion, you can attribute a chronic shitty attitude in a person to two things: lack of sex and lack of poop. This is why chronically shitty people are sometimes called 'tight asses.' Which leads me to- math. Put food in, poop it out, voila, food is not settling on your lower back to create love handles. Also, it's good for your heart or something. Bottom line: fiber is good. Things with lots of fiber are especially good for you (wheat bread, Grape Nuts, veggies- please refer to my fun graphic.) This means that everything FiberOne makes is good for you (FiberOne representatives, feel free to send your complimentary merchandise my way for this free advertisement.) Just how good are these FiberOne bars? Well, they contain.... wait for it....

36% OF YOUR DAILY FIBER.

That's a lot. I would wager to guess that for the majority of the American population, these 'chewy bars' contain more fiber than they consume in an average day. And even better, these have a mere 140 calories per serving, or 10 more than a Nutri-Grain bar, but 7 more grams of fiber! AND high fructose corn syrup isn't even on the label for at least three or four ingredients (This might matter to you. To be honest, I don't care about high fructose corn syrup. Maybe it's those incredibly persuasive commercials. It's just corn! Makes me wonder why we don't sweeten things with green bean syrup.)

But how does it taste? We've all seen those commercials for Baked Lays are some sort of 'healthy' version of Lays potato chips involving the cartoon ladies. I don't like those commercials because they perpetuate all sorts of food penance/food is morality unhealthy behaviors, but one of them is sort of true- the one where the lady is eating some sort of fiber-y snack and choking it down because it's so dry and dusty. I think this is why a lot of people are scared of fiber- traditionally, things with a lot of fiber are kind of cardboardy. At least according to other people, they are. I have made it my lifelong mission to find delicious sources of fiber, and I am happy to report that these 'chewy bars' are on that list. And chewy they are. These take a while to eat because you gotta masticate the crap out of them, but it's worth it. They are held together with some kind of viscous honey-like deliciousness and drizzled with chocolate. They taste nothing like cardboard and everything like yummy. My only complaint is that they are just a little bit short and leave your fingertips a little sticky, but nothing a good licking won't fix.

Now that I have showed you the path to a healthy bowel and a healthier breakfast, you have no excuse for not eating the FiberOne bars. If I see you eating a Nutri-Grain bar, I now reserve the right to slap it out of your hand.

FiberOne Chewy Bars have 140 calories per bar, 35 from fat, with 9g of fiber and 2g of protein.

More stuff and things

This summer I've been largely unemployed, except for 75 bucks a week for a show I'm doing and sporadic monies from what I call my 'contracting business' (whoring myself out in all manner of costumes or what-have-yous for events, etc.) And with school only six hours a week, I've been trying to find things to do rather than sitting on my duff all day. I've taken up knitting- really, and it is HIDEOUS but I'm getting the hang of it- and become interested in alternate day fasting (see, it is relevant.) I first heard about this a few months ago in Shape magazine. The concept is that you eat nothing one day and eat whatever you want the next day. Everyone agrees that this is absolutely NUTS and not something you should do EVER. However, it has been shown to be extremely effective if you modify it slightly. The idea is that you eat about 20-50% of your average calorie intake on your 'low cal' days and eat whatever you want (in moderation, so don't go eating a whole box of Twinkies or something) on your 'normal' days. Studies have shown that most people actually eat only 10 to 20 percent more on their on days when doing ADF. Apparently, ADF can unlock the 'skinny gene', or SIRT1, which basically tells your body not to store certain things as fat... or something. I'm not a doctor. Look it up. Also, there are all kinds of studies out there anyway that advocate an extremely low-cal diet for its positive correlation with a longer lifespan. The thing is, can people deal with a diet that leaves you hungry as hell all the time?

Well, the answer, for me at least, is pretty much. I have a tendency to get really obsessed with healthy eating and feeling all sorts of nasty guilt when I eat something 'bad.' This is not a healthy attitude at all, and the ADF is actually easing it. The way I keep from getting ravenous is to plan to eat between 100 and 200 calories every two to two and a half hours. That way I'm stoking my metabolism while also avoiding getting weak with hunger. Plus, I always know that food is less than two hours away, which prevents what would be an inevitable binge if I were completely fasting. And the next day, I eat pretty much what I want. I eat really healthily anyway, but on the 'off' days I can ease up on portion controls a little bit. Let's examine Sunday- before church I had some watermelon and wheat bread with soy milk, and then went out to Bob Evans (I know, I know, but goddamn it was tasty) and got a big egg-white omelet full of veggies with biscuits and hashbrowns. Of course I had to sample half a piece of banana bread and half a dinner roll as well. Later that night I ate almost an entire margherita pizza from Bazbeaux and some salad and finished it all off with a piece of coconut creme pie. Normally, eating like that would have left me absolutely distraught, no matter how good it tasted. But the beauty of ADF is that I don't really feel guilty because I know that being 'back on track' is only a day away. In essence, you never really get 'off track.' Granted, I just started doing this a week ago so I don't know how long it will work in the long run... but I'll let you know. It's certainly better for you than starving yourself, and more feasible for a lot of people than doing a low-cal plan every day. And I think that it may be helpful for people who compulsively overeat, because over time you may find a balance. Just a thought.

Guest blogging!

Now, I love working out and eating healthily as much as the next person with way too much time on her hands, and I'll try anything that will make me sweat, but I have never gotten around to P90X. You know, those commercials with the people doing insane push up variations and getting washboard abs in 90 days? It always looked like a fad or a scam to me, like Metabolife or Atkins, but then I did a little research and found that a lot of normal folk had had great success on the plan. I even talked to a personal trainer friend who said that the muscle confusion theory is really successful- the idea is that if you are constantly changing up the ways in which you work your muscles, they will never become complacent and bored and thus you will always be making them stronger. The DVDs also come with a nutrition plan, so they don't market themselves as a quick fix- you've gotta be invested in the total program to see those kinds of results. So I've been very interested but didn't think I'd have the time or money to do it.

Well, luckily for me, my friend Bill does! Bill is going to be guest blogging here over the next few months while he does P90X. He's been getting back in to exercise and wanted to jumpstart it with the program, and I'm just pleased as punch that he's going to be sharing his experiences here on the blog. He's going to be so buff that we won't be able to resist him. Please refer to the graphic for what Bill's abs will soon look like (except I think that model is probably some sort of Latin, and Bill isn't... but who knows the power of the P90X?) I'm really excited to see how he likes it and to get his opinion out here (and, let's face it, I'm excited to see if it works so I can borrow it when he's done), so look for some material from him in the coming weeks.

And a recipe, because I'm awesome.

I've been fronting and saying I'd post recipes for some time now, but I think so far I've only posted one. So here's one. I made this the other night and invented it out of thin air, but it turned out pretty good. I usually shy away from raviolis because they are often laden with fat and calories, but I used special ones here. This is Italian food without feeling like utter ass later that night from being too full. Also, it has so many veggies that you may not even feel the need to add a salad. It's kind of a meal in itself. So read on.

Baked Ravioli with Veggies
1 package of wheat ravioli (I like Buoitoni, but you can use whatever, with whatever filling, but you want pasta with some fiber)
1 bell pepper, any color
1 red onion
1 14.5 oz can diced tomatoes
two handfuls of mushrooms
about 1/3 jar of pasta sauce- I used the super chunky mushroom from Ragu, because you get a full serving of vegetables per serving
1 minced garlic clove
Italian seasonings
shredded cheese- I used Parmesan, mozarella and Gouda
olive oil
two handfuls of spinach

DO THIS IN ORDER AND IT WILL ALL COME TOGETHER RATHER QUICKLY.

Chop up your bell peppers and onions and put them in a bowl with some olive oil and Italian seasoning. Shake the bowl to coat them, then roast them in the oven/toaster oven for 10 mins at 400.

While those roast, start your boiling water for the ravioli.

While you wait for that to boil, put your olive oil into a sauce pan and heat it up. Then put in your minced garlic clove and mushrooms and saute them for about three or four minutes. Then pour the can of diced tomatoes over it, stir it up, add some Italian seasoning and put the lid back on. Let it simmer while you put the ravioli into the boiling water and cook it according to the directions.

While you wait for all that, cover the bottom of a casserole dish with the spinach. Cover the spinach with some shredded cheese. By now your peppers and onions and ravioli should be done or close to it, so take the veggies out of the oven and drain the ravioli. Use the pot the ravioli was in and dump in your pasta sauce. Pour the mushrooms and tomato mix in with that; let it heat for a minute or two, then add the ravioli and the peppers and onions to it so everything is all mixed together. Add some Italian seasoning and let it sit on the heat for another minute or two. Now, pour half the mix on top of the layer of spinach. Add some cheese. Then pour the rest of the mix in and add some more cheese on top of that. Pop it in the oven at 450 for about 15 minutes, or until the cheese is all melty. If you use low or no fat cheese and wheat ravioli, this is a relatively low cal dish (probably serves four people.) But you can use all manner of cheeses and raviolis to make it as decadent as you wish. My version is meat free but you can certainly use turkey or sausage stuffed raviolis.

I love pasta. I could eat that shit every day.

Thus concludes the longest entry ever. Comment and let me know if you've tried P90X, ADF, or tell me your favorite way to get fiber!