No more sugar EVER!

Happy New Year, all. I spent mine at a punk bar and then at a swanky hotel party and finally in bed with two of my gays watching Sondheim- the common events of my life, all compressed neatly into six hours. I already had one resolution- to learn to read music and play piano (not that I feel the need to do any of these things well, but I do a damn mess of singing so it's time I learn a little.) I think last year's were to get more sleep (which I do- I just can't hang like I used to in my younger days), to quit smoking (yeah, that happened) and to eat healthier. I definitely ate healthier this year than I ever have before, but I still have this nasty habit of overdoing it. I think I have gluttony or greed issues. I can't be content with one piece of pizza or one scoop of ice cream- I have to eat it until I'm full and couldn't eat another bite. This is why I tend to cook just enough for one (or 3, if I'm feeding the family.) But I realize my worst trigger, and now that I have seen the light, I know the truth and wonder why I was blind for so long. So I bit the bullet.

I gave up sugar.

I told this to a friend last night and his reply was, "We need sugar to live." Well, I know that, but it's way more dramatic to say, "I gave up sugar" than "I gave up dessert-y type things." Which is actually what I mean. I am powerless over desserts, especially cake, candy, cupcakes and cookies, and especially when they're at home because I can eat as many as I want without the waiter staring at me like I'm a fat ass. Don't judge me because I'm fat, dude. Judge me because of my horrible habit of calling waitstaff 'honey.'

I first discovered the secret to not binging on sugar over Christmas, when I made all my Christmas yummies but did not partake in them. Except for that one time when Bill and I get all drunk and maudlin at the bar and the only thing that could console us was to eat a few handfuls of ginger cookies. But anyway, I knew that if I had one white chocolate raspberry bar, I would not be satisfied until I had five. So I just didn't eat them at all.

I've read before that if you can go a week without eating refined sugar, you won't crave it anymore. I don't really crave sugar so much as once I put it in my mouth, I can't stop myself. It's kind of like smoking in a bar. It's really hard, once you've lit up one cigarette, to keep yourself from pretty much chain smoking when the opportunity presents itself. If you don't want to chain smoke, it's better to just avoid it altogether in those situations. So I've given it up, cold turkey.

The problem is that this means I can't ever have refined sugar again. Again, like smoking, once you've quit you can't just casually pick it back up and expect to not be buying a pack the next morning. So I shall not be tempted. A few weeks ago I gave up tonic after I was horrified to learn it contained just as much sugar as regular Coke- now it's strictly gin and soda for me. So that was a start. Now my go-to stuff for craving sweets is my beloved Coke Zero, jelly or jam on toast in the mornings, honey, and fruit with Cool Whip. It's actually not so very bad- I've convinced myself that since I don't do desserts anymore, I can be more flexible with my 'real' food, so if I want bacon on my salad, it's cool, or cheese fries, that's cool, too. It's a fuckin free for all! Except no desserts. We'll see how long I can keep this up- I've already noticed the return of my insatiable craving for peanut butter, which is probably largely because of the sugars in it. But I've gone a week now with no desserts, so I have some hope.

But perhaps I'm going about this wrong. Sugar can be a great diet dodge, so says this ad, and who am I to question the wisdom of the 1960s diet industry?



On denying oneself

Oh, forcing myself to obey a strict set of rules always motivates me. Thus, I have been inspired to detox. I love detoxing, or else, I love the busy work of choosing food and feeling all righteous because I'm drinking water and the inevitable debauchery that follows when the detox is over.

Recently, I was rereading Skinny Bitch, which I now regard as largely the Bible for aspiring anorexics, meaning the vast majority of it is utter crap. The stuff about the horrible conditions that farm animals are raised in and all of the scary hormones in our food is absolutely true, but the idea that you should wait until you're starving to eat in the morning or at lunch time, or that most people actually eat too much protein, or that a big plate of vegetables for every meal is adequate caloric intake is all total bullshit. The main goal of the book is to promote veganism and organic eating, which is an admirable goal, and if I had unlimited money with which to buy groceries I'd definitely give veganism the old college try. But as it stands, it's highly unrealistic for a lot of people. However, the book did kind of motivate me to give this detox a whirl. I never regarded the organic eating part as crap, just as not important- when I eat organic, it's usually because the farmers markets I shop at tend to have organic crops. But since I have decided to detox, I figure, what the hell, let's try eating at least some organic stuff, and less meat while we're at it.

So today at the store I picked up organic waffles, organic pumpkin seed and granola cereal and soy nog, along with a big assortment of fruits and vegetables. Tomorrow I'm looking at black bean cakes with guacamole for dinner, later in the week no cheese pizza with a mess of vegetables, and portabello mushroom caps stuffed with pesto and pine nuts. I also have my absolute favorite tortillas in the world, Extreme Wellness, to make all kinds of wraps (seriously, follow the link- best tortillas ever.) I'm being extra ambitious and trying to lay off the cigarettes and booze, too, which isn't so very hard if I avoid the bar, which is the hard part. But today my show closed, and I still have one more week until school starts, so I'm going to dedicate all my time and energy to the detox until I get tired of it and quit, which I'm predicting will occur on Wednesday.

Comment and tell me how much fun you're having with your New Years resolutions! And while you're at it, tell me why I feel the need to capitalize New Years when I don't think of it as a real holiday.

Sugar Free Carmel Sauce! AKA- Why the hell did I think this would be good?

It's summer! Everyone around me is bitching nonstop about the heat, but I kind of love it. I routinely turn the air conditioning off in the house when I'm home alone, because I should not be forced to huddle under the covers in my bed at 3 in the afternoon, swaddled in a sweatshirt and sweatpants in the middle of June because it is the only remotely warm place. Summer also means vacation, which is where I'm going tonight. I'll be sharing a cabin in the boonies of Michigan with my parents, my sister, and her husband and children. I'm looking forward to a week with no TV; not so much looking forward to being without my exercise bike. But I'm going to enjoy myself by baking, swimming, reading, and sleeping as late as possible, because shortly after I get back I begin my Soul Sucking Office Temp Job. I don't think it will actually be soul sucking; in fact, it might be quite entertaining.

But you don't read this blog to find out about my boring mundane life. You read it to find out about something equally boring- diet food! Today I'm taking a foray into the often-scary world of diet dessert products. A big reason that people are terrified of anything 'lite' is because of a traumatic encounter with some sort of nasty, pre-Splenda sugar free baked good. That shit used to be nasty. But the times, they are a-changing, and now there are several not only adequate but sometimes downright tasty diet desserts.

Unfortunately, the one I'm reviewing today is not one of them.

Sorbee Sugar Free EatRite BeFit Caramel Flavored Syrup

In every grocery store, there is a little section of sugar free things. And I don't mean diet things, I mean sugar free things, generally marketed toward people with diabetes. At my Kroger, it is located between the canned and dried fruits and the international foods. Surprisingly, I had never really investigated this little enclave of the grocery store; I can pretty easily find healthy or lite versions of things I want to eat elsewhere. But a few weeks ago, I was doing a big shopping trip with my mom, and I happened to walk by them. There I saw it, staring me in the face- Sugar Free Caramel Syrup. Only 15 calories per serving!

I fucking love caramel. For four years I worked at Steak 'n Shake, and it was not uncommon for me to squirt a big heaping helping of caramel into a cup, cover it with nuts, and top it off with some whipped cream, then eat it with a spoon like a big ice cream-less sundae. I'm the same way with hot fudge. Everything delicious just tastes better with caramel on top. Something about the buttery aftertaste, I think. Just imagine a delicious turtle sundae. Nom nom nom.

Problem with caramel (or carmel, as I'm sure I will go back and forth with the title throughout this post since I don't really care what you call it, it's fucking good): bad for you. It's pure sugar that you heat with milk and butter. I don't have to tell you that that is a whole mess of calories and fat. However, most people don't eat caramel like I do, i.e. with a spoon like a container of yogurt. So most people don't care about the calories in caramel because they're not eating it by the bowl. But what if you are?

Then you solve your problem with a sugar free caramel syrup! Thinking back, I should have known I was making a mistake. Removing the chief ingredient in something with only two other ingredients does not bode well. But Mom was buying, and God help me, I can't resist the caramel. So into the cart it went. I should mention that several of the products in the sugar-free aisle were covered in a thin layer of dust. This should have told me something.

Later that night, I so excitedly made myself a little faux turtle sundae- Jello creme brulee Rice Pudding (btw, so good. Getcha some), a few almonds and a nice dollop of sugar free caramel syrup. Little did I know I was ruining some perfectly good pudding and nuts.

This stuff is NASTY. I do not say that lightly. I can't quite describe why it tastes so bad, but I'll try. First off, it is very thin- not thick and decadent like caramel syrup should be. Second, it has the distinct taste of Sweet and Low, even though it claims to use Splenda. Suuuuure. Third, it reminds me of those horrible containers of powdered creamer that cheap people put by their coffee machines. Why? Because non-dairy creamer is one of the ingredients, along with sorbitol, a common sweetener.... in cough syrups. This stuff was the definition of scary, plastic-y diet food. When your mom was on a diet in the early 80s, this was what she was eating, and is the reason why she decided dieting is not worth it and now is 50 pounds overweight. It's enough to turn you off diet food FOREVER. I beseech you, do not waste your money. In fact, I just put a little dollop of my finger to remind me of the taste, and now my throat kind of burns. There's something wrong with it. It is also, according to the bottle, "New." I wonder what the old kind tasted like.

Sorbee Sugar Free EatRite BeFit Caramel flavored Syrup has 15 calories per 2 tbsp serving, 0 from fat. However, it is kosher, so if Rosh Hoshana sneaks up on your this year and it's the only thing left in the grocery store, chug away.

Something else for you to read and eat!

I've taken up eating meat again. I just couldn't stay away from the foul. I still haven't eaten pork or beef and don't plan to, but damn, did I miss turkey. Turkey is one of those perfect foods- low fat, high protein, and tasty to boot. Lately I've been wrapping one in a tortillo slathered with blackberry fruit spread for lunch.

In keeping with tradition, I'll add an easy recipe here with some turkey.

Apricot Turkey Burgers
1 lb ground turkey
a handful and a half of shredded cheddar
a handful of diced dried apricots
a handful of breadcrumbs
garlic, onion powder, salt and pepper, and whatever other seasonings you're partial to

Combine all of this in a big bowl and mush it around with your hands. Form as many burgers as you want- I made seven, but you can make fewer or more depending on the size. Put them on a rack on top of a shallow broiling pan (to drain the fat) and stick them under the broiler for five minutes per side. They're tasty- just a hint of sweet with the savory, and juicy. Maybe you could add some brown sugar. That might be good. I ate mine without buns and dipped them in some delicious Premium Select Chipotle mustard. Dericious!

That's all for now! Comment and tell me the nastiest diet food you ever ate!

The puddin and the jello and the koo koo ka choo!

The quote above is courtesy of Raymond, doing his Bill Cosby imitation. No matter how many times he does it, I laugh and laugh.

Anyway! I do have a point. And that point is pudding, the least pointy of all foods. That staple of salad bars and Chinese buffets. I mentioned it in my last post, how I like my yogurt to be as thick as pudding. There is something infinitely satisfying in a nice big spoon of inexplicably jiggy-yet-stiff puddin. The last time Raymond and I went to Beef and Boards, we got a huge plate of nothing but pudding. It's like ice cream, but it doesn't hurt my sensitive front teeth (of the five or six episodes of Friends that I've actually watched in my life, only one exchange actually made me laugh- some guy was telling some other guy he was weird for not liking ice cream, and the guy replied, "It's too cold!" I feel you, man.)

I used to really love making the Jello Pudding from a box because I could mess with the chemistry to get it as thick as humanly possible. I pretty much want a cheesecake-like consistency. I would use half the amount of milk and a nice healthy dose of heavy cream. I tell you what, that thing about beating for two minutes? I rarely made it past one. It was that thick. And delicious.

But since then I have developed a grocery shopping and cooking habit, and since I can't control myself from cooking in bulk (I must have inherited my inability to make any dish that serves less than 8 people from my mom, who was one of 7 kids), I have very limited fridge space. So, no more making huge bowls of pudding unless I wanted to buy another Maytag. Also, the purpose of buying sugar free yogurt is kind of defeated when you use heavy cream.

But wait, what? You mean they make puddings in individual sizes? That are DIET? Oh, surely you jest.


NOPE.

Jell-O Sugar Free Dulce de Leche Pudding Cups

Just in time for Cinco de Mayo, it's that favorito Mexicano, dulce de leche! In case you hadn't noticed it, despite my mentioning it every two fucking seconds, I lived in South America for a few months (Uruguay and Brazil.) Though I was subjected to a smorgabord of disgusting edibles (mayonnaise covered pizza, for one, and pizza never deserves to be violated in such a way), I did eat a hell of a lot of dulce de leche. If I remember correctly, it's made with a lot of brown sugar and condensed milk. There's a lot of dulce de leche in the States now, so I don't need to explain it to you, but it's pretty much carmel. As a side note, I had more delicious pudding-like desserts in Brazil than I can possibly relate to you. One of my favorites was torta da bola, which amused my friends to no end because it means 'ball cake' and it sounds funny with an American accent. It was a shit ton of egg whites, sugar, and condensed milk with pieces of chocolate 'balls'. Holy eff, was it ever yummy.

Anywho, these pudding cups are not just little bowls of dulce de leche (though that would be delicious and exactly the kind of thing I would eat, as I often prefer condiments to their vehicles.) That is the topping, and the rest of it is some sort of flan-like custard. You don't get a whole lot of topping, and it's a little thinner than I would have liked- the dulce de leche I am used to it so thick that the spoon gets stuck by the end of the stirring. However, I suppose that would make it kind of difficult for the little robots to put dulce de leche into the cups without their mechanical arms getting gummed up, so I'll forgive them. Because these things are really good. I don't know that I would call them delicious, but they are pretty damn tasty. The custard part is satisfyingly thick and if you use a small enough spoon, they actually take awhile to eat (in my quest to stop eating two desserts I have taken to eating my pudding with a baby spoon that belongs to my two year old niece. If that isn't pathetic, I don't know what is. But it's working.) They aren't some paltry, pansy-ass tiny pudding cups. That is a rip off and I wouldn't reccommend them if they did that to you.

The most awesome thing about these pudding cups? 60 calories. No lie. That means you can ditch those pathetic little Oreo 100 calorie packs that contain 3 sad little Oreo cakes. If you ask me, those things only serve to whet your appetite and make you MORE hungry for dessert. One of these pudding cups is enough for me. They are also sugar free, which is whatever to me, but you might care (maybe if you are on the Atkins diet? If you are, stop right now and e-mail me so I can give you the secrets of the patented Erin diet that actually works and doesn't involve eating mayonnaise covered bacon.) They do, however, contain 6g of something called 'sugars alcohol', and I don't know what that's all about but I do likes me sugar and me booze, so count me in. Hey, eat it with some margaritas and you've got yourself a regular fiesta! Cue the maracas and me wearing a headband and a deadstock bikini, doing the Frug with Elvis on the sandy beaches of Mexico. Ole!

Jell-O Sugar Free Dulce de Leche Pudding Cups have 60 calories, 10 from fat.

Other stuffs and things

In a shameless attempt to promote my blog, I joined Twitter. You can follow me by looking me up under the user name kodachromerin. If I get some followers I'll try to post mini-reviews or diet/fitness/food related stuff. Or just other boring updates about my life, but I'll try to keep those to a minimum.

Also, I am looking for some tofu suggestions. I had a block of extra firm that's expiration date was today so this morning I cut it up and fried it. So far I have attempted to eat it with a fork and some Trader Joe's garlic aioli mustard sauce for dipping. It's been... interesting. So any ideas would be appreciated.

I found a great website for healthy recipes: Eat Better America. A nice feature is their 'healthified' recipes- taking traditionally atomically fatty or unhealthy foods and substituting ingredients to make them healthier. I don't know about you, but my poor body is so used to eating super healthy everything and diet versions of things that I get a little sick to my tummy when I eat out and they use all real butter, fat, etc. (This is either a good thing or a bad thing.)

That's all for today. Follow me on Twitter! And comment and let me know how you use tofu. Bonus points if you can tell me how to make tofu pudding.