Thursday, May 2, 2013

In Again Out Again Finnagan

My dad always says that, mostly about their cats or about baskets that just sit on the hoop and don't go in. But at the moment, it describes my situation.

Recently I've been reading some really cool Tumblr blogs, my favorite being Health and the Fat Girl. I want to say that I'm pretty ashamed of some of the stuff I've written on this blog. Some of it might come off as fat-shaming, and I'm sorry about that, because these blogs have opened up my eyes. The other night I was talking to a (similarly fitness loving) friend, and I told him that anymore I see fat people as brave. To live in a world that hates fat people and to have the courage to say, "Fuck it, I won't let you ruin my life just because you don't like the way I look" is pretty damn ballsy. If you follow that link, you'll find links to lots of really compelling articles- many of them debunk myths that I "knew" to be true, like that fat people always eat more than thin people and fatness is a bigger drain on our health resources than anything else. These are excuses I hear a lot of people make as to why they feel being overweight is bad- because it is "unhealthy." So it was pretty eye-opening to read that maybe that assumption is just... wrong. Whether or not some big study comes out tomorrow to prove that fatness is directly responsible for world wars, the fact stands that IT'S JUST FAT AND IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. YOUR WEIGHT DOESN'T AFFECT ANYONE SO EVERYONE NEEDS TO CHILL.

But sadly, the image here describes my truth. I really do think all women are beautiful. In fact, recently I heard someone say that, "You fall in love with a person, not the vessel in which they move through life." Since then, I have made a concerted effort to not judge ANYONE on their appearance, which has extended to not comparing my body to other women. But it's hard. Really hard. It's ok with me for any other person to have whatever body they were born with, and I think they are all beautiful. But that kind of unconditional acceptance does not extend to my own body, most of the time.

About ten weeks ago I made a huge change in my working out. I began lifting heavy and making a true effort to eat clean, and I've loved it. I feel powerful and strong and I actually look forward to working out every day. I have to admit, though, that I went into it to change the way my body looks. And though I have seen so many changes other than that (better sleep being number one, but feeling more hydrated/no daytime sleepiness are close behind), it's been the changes I see in the mirror that I was most excited about. I ate too little and became really preoccupied with food. Inevitably it led to binging and unhappiness and I just wasn't listening to my body, which was saying, "Bitch, you cannot work out this hard and not feed me."

It seems sometimes like being an athlete/wanting to be fit is incompatible with having a normal relationship with food, but I'm determined to try. I've been reading a lot about "unconditional permission to eat." Can't remember if I've written about it before, but I know I've thought about it. For me, this means that I am going to eat when I'm hungry. Sounds so simple but SO MANY of us struggle with it. I know for me, I have a big time restrict/binge mentality. It's walking the line or going HARD at the junk food. That not only is bad for me physically, but it's bad for me mentally, and not just because it puts me farther away from my goals. I want to get past this cycle, and be able to trust my body to tell me when I'm hungy and what it needs, without undoing the progress in muscle building I've made. So for now, I'm "out again." Still eating clean, but trying not to be so focused on calories. I'll probably still keep track of macros to an extent, but essentially I am saying, "As long as it's an unprocessed food, I can eat it till I'm full, and have more later if I get hungry again." (Unless it's a special meal, in which case you better believe I don't be givin a FUCK if it's healthy or unprocessed or full of lard or whatever.)

If you've followed my blog before, you know I will probably repent and fall off this wagon at some point too and start over. But I do want to take a time out and remind everyone who reads that every body is beautiful, and eating is a good thing, and you don't have to look like people say you should look or eat the way they say you should. It's your life!

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