The Low Fat Sugar Free Whole Wheat Diet Food Blog!

Why I cooked a turkey burger on the stove instead of eating out in one of the culinary capitals of the world

2011-11-05T07:16:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging for my apartment in NY today! I guess it isn't really mine, but it is for the next week because that's what my badge says. My friend was nice enough to sublet me his apartment while he is touring with Tokyo Disney, but the management will only let him sublet for two weeks at a time- which is the perfect amount of time for me, because if I miss work for longer than that I'll have to be scouring the Kroger for organic ramen. He was nice enough to do this for dirt cheap, so I am attempting to see how much money I can save.

One of the best things about this trip is that I have a kitchen, so I can cook. So shortly after arriving I walked up to Columbus Circle (I'd never been before- I don't think I've been that far uptown since I first visited NY when I was in junior high- I'm a lower-Midtown girl) to go to Whole Foods. In my last post I talked about how freaked out I am about non-organic stuff, so I thought this would be the best way to stick to that eating plan. I knew I'd still want to eat out sometimes (hello, it's New York, I need bagels and pizza and Crumbs cupcakes) so I mostly picked up stuff for breakfast and dinner. I get some Peace cereal, almond milk, Applewood farms turkey burgers (organic, no hormones- nom nom!), Willshire bacon (no antibiotics!), ground lamb (didn't say anything on the pack about how it was raised, but this was Whole Foods so I'm hoping it was humane), tons of organic produce, salad dressing, etc. (Side note- I couldn't believe that I was the only one I saw leaving the store who had brought her own bags- but this is NY, not San Francisco.) This is NY so stuff is more expensive, but it only set me back $81- that would last me maybe 2 days if I were eating out. So it's win-win! I'm saving money, I know where my food is coming from, and I know the nutritional info so I don't have to guess. I know having a kitchen isn't always possible, so I'd suggest researching chain restaurants (or local places, because those are best, but I know they aren't always around) that use organic or local ingredients- Chipotle is a big one, and tasty, too.

Patrick is coming to visit next week so all of this will be blown out the window (Shake Shack, here we come), but I at least feel like I've done damage control on my environmental impact.

It wouldn't be me without an obsession with working out, so rest assured that I brought Jillian Michaels Yoga Meltdown with me because it requires no weights and very little space (which is exactly how much space I have- this place is about 180 sq feet.) I've also been dancing my ass of at the Broadway Dance Center (5 and a half hours of classes yesterday!) Thus, I feel not a single pang of remorse for eating whatever the hell I want when I allow myself to eat out.

I'm off the the Village to hang out at The Strand (18 miles of books- holla!) Enjoy your weekend.

Freaked out about food

2011-10-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

It's almost Halloween! Hands down, my favorite holiday. I like scary stuff and fall stuff and short skirts- all of which abound. Last night we carved punkins and had a weenie roast at my parents' house (those are the punkins Patrick and I did- his is the kitty, mine is the ghetto Jack the Pumpkin King.) This is a family tradition, but this year I had to bring my own hot dogs and buns because I have become a certifiable food crazy.

It started with this book: Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingslover (get it here: http://www.amazon.com/Animal-Vegetable-Miracle-Year-Food/dp/0060852569/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1320015388&sr=8-1 ). Kingslover is usually a fiction writer but this book chronicles her year living off nothing but locally grown, organic food in her small Appalachian community in Virginia. It is absolutely fascinating- the way she talks about the delicious food inspires food envy the likes of which I have not experienced since I read Julia Child's My Life in France.

It's also an amazingly compelling argument for eating locally and organically. The stats that scared me most were just how much of what we eat starts as mass-produced corn or soybeans. If they aren't directly putting it into our food in the form of syrups and additives, they're pumping our livestock full of it. I love animals but I'm not a vegetarian- but this book has definitely convinced me to do my best to purchase organic, free-range, or grass fed whenever possible. The other scary thing is the sheer amount of fossil fuels used to transport our food so that we can have strawberries in January. According to the book. for every 1 calorie of food in our grocery stores, 87 energy calories were burned to bring it there! That is really scary to me. I won't quote the book or give you every argument in there because you should just get it for yourself and read it (it's pretty popular so it should be at the library.)

I've always been nervous about the hormones and chemicals pumped into our food, but never enough to really read labels. I thought I was doing a good job of eating healthily because I pay attention to sugars, dietary fiber and protein, and I buy probably 60-75% organic produce. But boy oh boy, when you read the labels, you see all sorts of icky stuff they put in there- there is high fructose corn syrup in everything! The way I see it, there are 2 main reasons to go organic/read your labels/eat locally:

1. You are nervous about the additives, chemicals, hormones in food.

2. You are morally opposed to 6 big agrabusinesses getting all the money by running small farmers out of business and growing mass amounts of corn and soybeans that are inedible to humans and only used for feedlots.

I am both of these things. So today I went grocery shopping and only bought stuff that didn't have high fructose corn syrup, didn't have additives, and was organic and all-natural (except the laundry detergent and mascara. I don't know what the hell is in that stuff. Also, there may or may not be high fructose corn syrup in the toilet paper I bought.) I also bought some meat and animal-product substitutes because sometimes that's cheaper than free range, but I'll discuss that in another post. It was a little more expensive, sure. But not by that much. And in my opinion, if you're only buying stuff that's good for you, you're actually saving money on all the stuff you aren't buying, like chips and donuts. So in the end, it evens out. Also, if you watch your coupons or visit sites like http://coupons.com/, you can find a lot of good deals on healthy, organic stuff. Trader Joe's is great too, and Marsh usually offers organic produce for the same price as regular. Kroger, my chain of choice, has almost everything organic that they have regular and it's generally less than a dollar more.

I also really believe that the hormones in our food are making us fat. I think I've said this before, but when I look at pictures of my mom from when she was my age, she is so skinny. Like, her bone structure is so much smaller, and I really believe it's because she was developing in an era when our food wasn't so pumped full of crap. So I'm going to see if, by eating the same things but using organic instead of regular, I will lose any weight.

I'll leave you with an image of me and my adorable cat, Petunia. She is very friendly and takes after me- the other day she bitch-slapped the other cat for getting too close to her food.

Dumb Diets

2011-10-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

I am so fascinated by the diets people try. Some have a pretty high success rate, like South Beach (boyfriend lost 30 lbs earlier this year on it- and, a quote from my friend Craig: "Diets don't work. They're all bullshit. Except South Beach, I lost a ton of weight on that.") Others sound awesome yet are not- like the Hollywood Cookie Diet. If eating cookies were a diet, I'd be in the starvation ward right now getting fed through a tube because I'd weigh 80 lbs. No matter the diet, I'll at least peruse the book even if I have no intention of ever following it, mostly because I'm always intrigued by the science and philosophy behind these diets. One I picked up recently is http://www.amazon.com/Dr-Gundrys-Diet-Evolution-Waistline/dp/0307352129/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1319691980&sr=8-1 - Dr. Gundry's Diet Evolution. My good friend Kimberly told me about this when I visited her in San Francisco. The philosophy is that, with the modern diet and methods of exercise, we are activating "killer genes" which make us gain weight and cause a whole host of other health problems. Our current diet, heavily based on grains, sends a message that "winter is coming" and causes our bodies to hold onto fat. The diet advocates eating essentially like you eat when you do South Beach phase 1 or 2 (little to no grains products, protein, tons and tons of green veggies and no sugars other than those found in some fruits.) This supposedly tells your body "winter is now" and forces it to burn fat for energy. The longer you do the diet, the less meat you eat until you are mostly getting protein from tofu, tempeh, and seafood.

I have some really mixed feelings on this after reading some of the book. Kimberly lost lots of weight doing it, and in theory it should work- protein is actually the least efficient way for your body to get energy, because it has to work hard to metabolize it (you burn something like 16% of the calories from protein you consume just by metabolizing it.) And if you are already a vegetarian and really like veggies, than this could really work for you. However, I do not want to live my life eating rabbit food. What is the point of living forever if you can't have cupcakes sometimes (meaning twice a week)? I also have a hard time believing that our "genes are killing us" when we feed them sugar or dairy or grains or fruit- haven't people been eating bread and honey and apples and cheese since Cleopatra was riding around in her litter? Haven't Japanese people been eating white rice since the days of the samurais, and they're outliving us all?

What really disturbed me about the book, though, was the chapter where he advocated fasting on alternate days and skipping meals to further put stress on your body and keep your metabolism on its toes. He even admits that it's against conventional wisdom to skip meals or not eat when you're hungry. My opinion is this- unless you have absolutely iron willpower, there is no way in hell you will succeed on a diet that leaves you starving half the time. The best advice I've heard on this topic is: "the best diet is the one you can actually do." There is no better way to set yourself up for an epic binge than to wait until you're ravenous to eat. I have no doubt that this diet works, provided you can actually do it. And who the hell can do it? Not me. I went to bed hungry Monday night and two hours ago I polished off two bowls of death by chocolate ice cream with Butterfingers crumbled on top out of residual hunger.

Furthermore, I am really disturbed by the idea that, if you just push through it, you'll like the feeling of being hungry and it will make you feel "clean" and "pure." That's the same thinking that they advocate in Skinny Bitch. Let me say that there is nothing morally superior about your ability to not eat. It just makes you hungry and me annoyed with you. There are far better diets, or ways of eating, than to eat nothing but romaine. I'll discuss them later.

That's all for now, but I'll leave you with a picture of me and my new favorite cup. I love cups. And I love Hello Kitty. Where can one go wrong?

On whole foods and nakedness

2011-09-26T19:25:00.001-07:00

In less than a month, I have to be naked in front of 400 people.

Not completely naked. I get pasties. And I think my stomach will be covered. But still.

PBS gave my work some nice funding to put together a history of burlesque show in conjunction with the Ken Burns documentaries about Prohibition. I have wanted to do burlesque since I first heard of Dita von Teese and learned what the neo-burlesque movement is about, so I jumped at the chance.

Actually, I'm not that scared about being naked in front of people. The cool thing about burlesque these days is how body positive it is. And really, I don't hate my body. Not the way I did, say, this time two years ago (that was truly awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.) I'd say the feeling I have is closer to resentment. I resent my body for not being able to run faster. I resent my body for having cellulite. I resent my body for being hungry again an hour after I eat. But really, it is a perfectly good body. It has served me well. It lets me dance and walk and wrestle and skate and all manner of cool things.

But I realized I have this dumb fantasy of getting onstage in my skimpy clothes and everyone gasping in awe at my Greek God-like body. I know that isn't going to happen, and I definitely know it isn't going to happen in less than a month. But I can attempt to feel good about my body when I get up there. The way I traditionally do this is to diet. Can't help it- dieting is kind of fun to me. It gives my obsessive brain something to do- planning meals, shopping for the best deal, etc. I love that shit.

Recently I picked up a cookbook about whole foods. I always hear famous people talking about "well, my diet is mostly whole foods." Yeah, asshole, mine too- a whole pizza, a whole donut, a whole hamburg. But by reading this cookbook, I think I have a better grasp of it- it essentially means using less processed, pre-packaged stuff, using more veggies. I think why this sounds hard is that, as I have learned, lots of people can't cook. Not just, they aren't very good or don't know how to make many things- they just plain can't cook. They must have never been hungry enough to learn (my dad once asked me, "How did you learn to cook?" to which I replied, "One day I was hungry and all we had were ingredients." It really is that easy.)

I already cook dinner every night so I thought I'd give it a shot. For the first time in years, I'm going to cook tofu for a main dish. I'm looking forward to it. But eating whole foods isn't really my diet- counting calories is. Counting calories is really the only thing that works for me, because I can't do South Beach or any of that stuff because if I don't have ice cream and tacos I'll go crazy and murder my family. But I find that eating this way makes it a little easier to keep my calories in check- in part because I include lots of vegetables and they're low calorie, but also because I think I know I'll feel better.

At present, I'm doing the unhealthy thing and telling myself this healthy eating and calorie counting nonsense is only until I'm done being naked in front of people. But I'm doing more burlesque in January (where I will be far less naked, but still) and regardless, I'm sick of being uncomfortable with my body. My goal is to lose weight, sure. But maybe it will make me happier. Happier than ice cream, though? Maybe not.

CUPCAKES! And running. And sobriety. Which is more fun?

2011-04-01T15:46:00.000-07:00

It's been some time and I've sure you've all missed this blog as much as I've missed writing it, which is probably a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10. The truth is, I kinda stopped caring about eating healthy. Seriously. I woke up one day and was like, "Eh, screw it." I was born with a big ass, I'll always have a big ass, so who gives a damn? It's true what they say- the older you get, the less you care about your body. I was in a show in the fall and shared a dressing room with a lovely, tiny girl who once said she was going to do something annoying and complain about her weight, to which I said, "No, you aren't, this is a body hate free zone." And it felt good. When I say I have a big ass, I'm not saying that I hate my big ass, and I'm not trying to get you to tell me that I don't have a big ass. I'm simply stating a fact. I still work out, though. Religiously, some might say. I love working out. It makes me feel like I'm doing something. And with all the crap I've been eating, if I didn't work out, they'd probably have to extract me from my house with a crane and wrecking ball, which would be embarrassing and also not good because I rent my house and my landlords would be pissed. I was feeling kinda frustrated, though, because though I was working out for at least an hour every day, I didn't see my body getting any firmer. Now, I can still have a big ass, and that doesn't bother me, but I'd at least like it to be a kind of muscle-y big ass. Enter my darling KC. Hi, KC! He's my roommate's best friend and he is the tits. Like, drive to Chicago in the middle of the night with no iPod or cigarettes in order to pick me up from the airport when my plane stranded me kinda tits. KC ran a half marathon last year and is doing it again in about a month. Now, KC, my roomie Nick, and I all gave up drinking for Lent this year. Yeah, I know. We've had to confront some things about ourselves that we really, really did not want to confront. KC and I also gave up smoking cigarettes (hopefully this one will last forever, and not just for Lent), and because I am a masochist and like to punish myself, I told KC I'd train with him. What could make your butt more muscle-y than running? So KC and I have been running. Running everywhere, to and fro. I'm running more than I thought possible, which means all that cardio work must have been good for something. And because I'm running, I've felt kind of motivated to eat better. And whaddya know? I've lost about five pounds. My abs look great. My ass, however, is still as fat as the day is long. And why? CUPCAKES. Oh, sweet Jesus in the sky. I love cupcakes. There is a place called Flying Cupcake where dreams go to be made into sweet baked goods to enter my face hole. They have so many cupcake varieties it's ridiculous. And I have sampled them all. Last weekend KC and I ran and did power yoga (oh, the hilarity of watching KC do power yoga) and afterwards went to his workplace, Mesh, for lunch. After that I fairly skipped down the street to Flying Cupcake.... only to find it closed because it was Sunday. I woulda thrown a brick through the window if I could have found one. Burn, baby, burn! The next day I drove past on my way to TOTS and literally whispered aloud, "I think about you all the time." I made it back there today and introduced KC to the glory of Flying Cupcake. He nearly cried. So again, it's sweet crap that keeps me from being skinny. Or whatever. Who really cares? I guess I kind of do- bikini season is coming, and I have all kinds of boys to impress! Oh, wait. Not really. But regardless, if I'm going to be running (and KC gave me a month membership to his gym so you best believe I'm gonna be all up in that place using the fancy equipment I can't afford to buy for my exercise room at home) I might as well attempt to not eat as terribly as I have been lately. So I'm semi-on the wagon again. One great thing is that now that I'm both at IHS and Beef & Boards, I have some extra money, so I can go to the healthy places to eat or buy better groceries. I also found a great app for the iPhone called MyFitnessPal. I'm tracking my calories (which I loathe and find leads to unhealthy food obsession, but what the hell, I'll try it for now) in order to make sure that when I'm eating 3.5 cupcakes a day, I'm attempting to make up for it by eating something green for dinner. I guess it's working. And the sobriety? It's going swimmingly. I survived St. Patty's AND a vacation to LA/San Francisco without even a drop of alcohol. I kind of like it because it's keeping me from going to the bars and staying out too late. I have to say, though, I do miss the bars because they are the main social place for my friends. But I'll be back before long! Until then, I'll try to stay relatively healthy for the next few weeks. Let's see!

Off the Wagon

2010-03-02T14:03:00.000-08:00

And man, am I ever. Last time I wrote about quitting sugar forever. I did pretty well, too, for about a month. Then I realized that I hadn't really lost any weight, or noticed any other changes other than that the one time I cheated to eat birthday cake with Robert and Jason, I felt like total shit all night long. I can't remember exactly when I decided to eat sugar again, just to suffice to say that I did. And I'm done playing around. Girl Scout cookies? Donuts? Peeps? Bring that shit on. I still have moderation issues, and probably always will- you should have seen me tearing into those Thin Mints the other night like a hungry dog on a hambone. I'm now trying to limit my sugar intake to every other day, so that I'm getting roughly half the sugar/calories I would be getting. It's a start.

Something I Never Would Have Touched with a Ten Foot Pole that I Now Worship

Last week I was making one of my many trips to the supermarket and wandered into the natural foods/fake meat/crunchy people section, as I often do. I almost never stop to browse the first aisle, where they keep all of the body builder bars and protein powders- mostly because I am still working my way through the big cannister of chocolate protein powder that I bought 2 years ago. But I had recently read something about egg white protein powders, blah blah, and wanted to see just how overpriced they were. It was there that I saw the rack of Cliff Bars.

I never would have eaten these things about a year ago. First off, they say 'snack' to me, and I never was a big snacker- and really, I'm still not. I've pretty faithfully done the "4 small meals" thing for years, mostly because I find that snacking quite often makes me even hungrier. Second, even if I would eat them as a snack, I have this weird thing about '200 calories or less' for a snack, because otherwise you might as well just add something and make it a meal. Cliff Bars have between 220 and 260 calories per bar. That just seems like a lot for something you can finish in about 7 bites. As a matter of fact, I bet that if a year ago I saw you eating a Cliff Bar and I knew you weren't about to go run a marathon, I'd slap it out of your hand and into the gutter.

But there they were in the store, on sale, $10 for 10. And they were in so many delicious flavors. White chocolate macadamia nut. Maple nut. Peanut toffee buzz. Chocolate brownie. I couldn't take it. I had to buy them. And now I'm addicted. I can totally rationalize my decision, too. First off, for the same calories as a candy bar, you get (in general) 20% of your daily fiber and 22% of your daily protein (PS- always eat a protein with your carbs. Always.) This also makes them a great breakfast, especially for me- now that I'm back to my job at the historical society I'm finding myself constantly rushing to get out the door, leaving no time for a sit down breakfast, or even anything that needs heating up (big change from the Children's Museum, where I had a microwave right on my dressing table and was never more than an hour away from a break to eat.)

I really like Cliff Bars because they make me feel healthy. Maybe it's the little rock climber man on the package. With all that delicious, peanut buttery protein in my tummy, I too could climb a rock! They make me want to go camping. Of course, for me, camping is an excuse to smoke and drink wine and play cards and listen to Lynyrd Skynyrd and go swimming topless, not to rock climb or anything, but still, I could enjoy these whilst in a tent. They also burn pretty slowly, so I'm not ravenous by lunchtime. They're also surprisingly low fat, which I've said before isn't a huge deal to me, but that's just another reason why they are far superior to Snickers. If you love yourself, you will go buy a Cliff Bar.

Another Foray into the World of Calorie Free

I've made the ill advised journey down the 'sugar free' aisle at the grocery store many times, but I thought I had learned my lesson when I had the misfortune to try the sugar free caramel syrup. Well, I clearly don't learn, because today I purchased a jar of Walden Farms Marshmallow Dip. Last weekend some friends and I were discussing our favorite binge foods, and one of them was marshmallow creme. That shit is so good, but damn, is it LETHAL. So how could I turn down marshmallow dip that claims to be calorie free? That's right, no calories. I don't even know how that's possible. It's like a dream. So I bought it. Of course, I had to buy graham cracker sticks to go along with it.

You guys are so lucky that I sacrificed myself so that you wouldn't have to. This stuff is NASTY. It tastes like congealed sugar free vanilla coffee creamer, and has about that consistency. It tastes nothing like a marshmallow, I'll tell you that much. Luckily, the cinnamon flavoring in the graham crackers covered up the foulness of the dip, and Lord knows I'll probably give it another shot, but good Lort. Don't waste your money. I feel so bad for diabetic people. They have no choice but to eat this crap.

That's all for now! What calorie free things have you tried?

No more sugar EVER!

2010-01-03T18:24:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, all. I spent mine at a punk bar and then at a swanky hotel party and finally in bed with two of my gays watching Sondheim- the common events of my life, all compressed neatly into six hours. I already had one resolution- to learn to read music and play piano (not that I feel the need to do any of these things well, but I do a damn mess of singing so it's time I learn a little.) I think last year's were to get more sleep (which I do- I just can't hang like I used to in my younger days), to quit smoking (yeah, that happened) and to eat healthier. I definitely ate healthier this year than I ever have before, but I still have this nasty habit of overdoing it. I think I have gluttony or greed issues. I can't be content with one piece of pizza or one scoop of ice cream- I have to eat it until I'm full and couldn't eat another bite. This is why I tend to cook just enough for one (or 3, if I'm feeding the family.) But I realize my worst trigger, and now that I have seen the light, I know the truth and wonder why I was blind for so long. So I bit the bullet.

I gave up sugar.

I told this to a friend last night and his reply was, "We need sugar to live." Well, I know that, but it's way more dramatic to say, "I gave up sugar" than "I gave up dessert-y type things." Which is actually what I mean. I am powerless over desserts, especially cake, candy, cupcakes and cookies, and especially when they're at home because I can eat as many as I want without the waiter staring at me like I'm a fat ass. Don't judge me because I'm fat, dude. Judge me because of my horrible habit of calling waitstaff 'honey.'

I first discovered the secret to not binging on sugar over Christmas, when I made all my Christmas yummies but did not partake in them. Except for that one time when Bill and I get all drunk and maudlin at the bar and the only thing that could console us was to eat a few handfuls of ginger cookies. But anyway, I knew that if I had one white chocolate raspberry bar, I would not be satisfied until I had five. So I just didn't eat them at all.

I've read before that if you can go a week without eating refined sugar, you won't crave it anymore. I don't really crave sugar so much as once I put it in my mouth, I can't stop myself. It's kind of like smoking in a bar. It's really hard, once you've lit up one cigarette, to keep yourself from pretty much chain smoking when the opportunity presents itself. If you don't want to chain smoke, it's better to just avoid it altogether in those situations. So I've given it up, cold turkey.

The problem is that this means I can't ever have refined sugar again. Again, like smoking, once you've quit you can't just casually pick it back up and expect to not be buying a pack the next morning. So I shall not be tempted. A few weeks ago I gave up tonic after I was horrified to learn it contained just as much sugar as regular Coke- now it's strictly gin and soda for me. So that was a start. Now my go-to stuff for craving sweets is my beloved Coke Zero, jelly or jam on toast in the mornings, honey, and fruit with Cool Whip. It's actually not so very bad- I've convinced myself that since I don't do desserts anymore, I can be more flexible with my 'real' food, so if I want bacon on my salad, it's cool, or cheese fries, that's cool, too. It's a fuckin free for all! Except no desserts. We'll see how long I can keep this up- I've already noticed the return of my insatiable craving for peanut butter, which is probably largely because of the sugars in it. But I've gone a week now with no desserts, so I have some hope.

But perhaps I'm going about this wrong. Sugar can be a great diet dodge, so says this ad, and who am I to question the wisdom of the 1960s diet industry?

On denying oneself

Oh, forcing myself to obey a strict set of rules always motivates me. Thus, I have been inspired to detox. I love detoxing, or else, I love the busy work of choosing food and feeling all righteous because I'm drinking water and the inevitable debauchery that follows when the detox is over.

Recently, I was rereading Skinny Bitch, which I now regard as largely the Bible for aspiring anorexics, meaning the vast majority of it is utter crap. The stuff about the horrible conditions that farm animals are raised in and all of the scary hormones in our food is absolutely true, but the idea that you should wait until you're starving to eat in the morning or at lunch time, or that most people actually eat too much protein, or that a big plate of vegetables for every meal is adequate caloric intake is all total bullshit. The main goal of the book is to promote veganism and organic eating, which is an admirable goal, and if I had unlimited money with which to buy groceries I'd definitely give veganism the old college try. But as it stands, it's highly unrealistic for a lot of people. However, the book did kind of motivate me to give this detox a whirl. I never regarded the organic eating part as crap, just as not important- when I eat organic, it's usually because the farmers markets I shop at tend to have organic crops. But since I have decided to detox, I figure, what the hell, let's try eating at least some organic stuff, and less meat while we're at it.

So today at the store I picked up organic waffles, organic pumpkin seed and granola cereal and soy nog, along with a big assortment of fruits and vegetables. Tomorrow I'm looking at black bean cakes with guacamole for dinner, later in the week no cheese pizza with a mess of vegetables, and portabello mushroom caps stuffed with pesto and pine nuts. I also have my absolute favorite tortillas in the world, Extreme Wellness, to make all kinds of wraps (seriously, follow the link- best tortillas ever.) I'm being extra ambitious and trying to lay off the cigarettes and booze, too, which isn't so very hard if I avoid the bar, which is the hard part. But today my show closed, and I still have one more week until school starts, so I'm going to dedicate all my time and energy to the detox until I get tired of it and quit, which I'm predicting will occur on Wednesday.

Comment and tell me how much fun you're having with your New Years resolutions! And while you're at it, tell me why I feel the need to capitalize New Years when I don't think of it as a real holiday.

2009-10-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

I'm a sociology major. Luckily I am not planning on doing anything with this degree, as I already know what I want to do with my life and I'm pretty much doing it at the moment, but I've always felt it was important to get a college education if you have the means to do so because it speaks of an ability to follow through and finish what one starts. Besides, I love sociology, and I seem to have an innate understanding of it which makes it an enjoyable course of study. One class I'm taking this semester is on the sociology of work, which seems to mean the sociology of the inequality of work; not that I'm complaining, as I seem to have developed a spidey sense for gender, racial and socioeconomic bias. No good discussion of the new American workplace would be complete without talking about Wal-Mart, which was our topic today. Among other things, I find Wal-Mart abhorrent because it has forced the very people who it put out of a job (domestic factory workers, independent business owners) to purchase their goods because they are the cheapest. These people are put into a very sad position, because they literally don't have the money to shop elsewhere, and so must buy their necessary items within the Jaws of Hell; it doesn't very well work for us to tell them to shop somewhere else. While we were making this point in class, someone piped up with, "It's like when we tell poor people to eat healthy, but they can't because it's cheapest to get a 1 dollar hamburger from McDonald's."

I hear this argument a lot. In fact, I think I actually made it at some point on the blog here (I say I think because actually looking to see if I did would require opening another tab on Firefox and I'm too lazy to do that.) I've done some thinking, though, and I was wrong if I ever said that. Yes, it may be cheaper that day to eat at McDonald's, but in the long run, you save a lot of money by cooking at home. To illustrate my point, I thought of how much it would cost to feed one person for a week with groceries. This list was made using groceries from Kroger, and how much things cost in Indianapolis. Some of these things were on sale if you used your Kroger Plus Card, which is free to get so you should get one. Also, always shop at Kroger because they are unionized.

Milk: $1.25/half gallon
Generic Cheerios: $1.88
8 apples: $2.00 (4/$1)
1 lb grapes: 93 cents
1 lb sliced ham: $2.19
1 carton eggs: 77 cents
1 jar peanut butter: $1
1 loaf wheat bread: $1
1 lb ground turkey: $2.50
1 lb box wheat pasta: $1.00
1 14.5 oz can Hunt's pasta sauce: $1.00
Salad mix: $2.50
Generic salad dressing: $2.00

Grand total : $20.02
Cost per day: $2.86
Rough price of a meal at McDonald's, off the dollar menu, which includes a protein, carb, and fruit/veggie: $3.00 plus tax

I'll analyze how I did the list: The milk, Cheerios, grapes and eggs are for breakfast- a handful of grapes, a bowl of cereal and an egg or two is grain/carbs, lean protein, calcium and vitamins from fruit.

The lunch meat, peanut butter, bread and apples are for lunch. Again, any combo of these will give you the essentials for a filling, healthy meal. At the end of the week you'll have an extra apple and likely extra meat or peanut butter to eat as a snack at some point.

And the pasta, turkey, sauce and salad are obviously for dinner. Again- trifecta of good carbs/fiber, protein and a veggie.

I get that this is not exactly the food pyramid, but no one will starve on this, and what you'd be eating is a hell of a lot better for you than fast food. Also, Kroger generally has a lot of 10/$10.00 specials every week- for example, this week in their ad I see tuna, English cucumbers, cottage cheese and 1/2 gallons of orange juice, and that's just the healthy stuff. Add those to your groceries for the week and you get a little more variety, for only $4 more (remember, food isn't taxed.)

As you can see, the idea of being too poor to eat healthy is crap. I don't know how many actual poor people use this excuse; it seems to be used more by broke (different from poor, as broke often has to do with poor money choices) college students/young people. Look at it like this: I will assume that the average college student, or single poor person, works 20 hours a week at a job that pays $9/hr. If you assume that 20% of the weekly paycheck is taken out in taxes, we are looking at an income of $144 a week. By cooking at home and eating healthy, you are spending a little less than 14% of your weekly income on food. Even if you sprung for the extra $4 in groceries, you're looking at less than 17% of your weekly income. If you are eating out at every meal, even the dollar menu, let's assume you spend $9.00 a day (3 items off the dollar menu, 3 meals a day.) That's 43% of your weekly income! Holy crap! Now, I'll go ahead and assume that most people don't spend $10 a day on food and eat at home at least some of the time- but still, if you ate at home for every meal, you could eat really healthily for very little money. Did I mention that the only thing you'd need to eat at home on this plan is a pot to cook stuff in? I realize that a lot of people don't have money to buy fancy kitchen things, so I controlled for that. You do need a stove/oven, but almost anywhere you rent or live in will have these

So, ain't nobody too poor to eat healthy. Thank God we have things like WIC and food stamps in the USA so that people who have to work low wage jobs can provide food for their families, especially healthy food. I appreciate that if it were not just you, but you and say, your two children, this $20 in groceries would not quite cut it. But I do firmly believe that eating at home and eating healthily are really easy if you're willing to do it.

Dried fruit- friend or foe?

2009-09-03T08:22:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the title, but I couldn't resist. Do people still say foe? Why hasn't that phrase morphed into 'friend or enemy'?

This summer I've gotten really spoiled. There have been lots of awesome farmer's markets, both in town and in the other midwestern cities I've visited (Springfield, IL and South Haven, MI) and I've gotten my pick of all the fresh produce I can handle. Peaches, nectarines, cherries, blueberries, and cheap watermelons from the roadside stand near my neighborhood. Num. I also discovered Jazz apples, which on principle I should oppose because they are a weird hybrid of apples and pears and the idea of genetically engineering fruit always seemed a little weird to me, but nonetheless they are fucking yummy and I wept bitterly when Kroger stopped carrying them.

It seems so odd to me that I never used to like fruit. Whenever I voluntarily ate a piece, I'd congratulate myself for eating healthy and then take a three month fruit hiatus until the next time, so as not to overdose on vitamins or anything. I think this was because my exposure to fruit had been mostly mealy, bitter Gala apples and lame, wrinkly red grapes from when I worked at Steak 'n Shake as a teenager. The only way one could choke those down was to drown them in hot caramel sauce (they were classified in the menu under 'lighter options.') I just never really got into them. And it wasn't until earlier this year that I just decided I would start eating fresh fruit (yes, it really was as simple as just telling myself it was time to start eating them. I've come to think of eating healthy as something that adults do, like getting up before noon on the weekends and doing the dishes without anyone telling you to. I am now an adult, so I must do all of these things.)

In the interim, I discovered the stepping stone to learning to like fresh fruit- dried fruit! It started with dried pineapple, which is inexplicably sweet compared to fresh pineapple. In fact, all fresh fruits are. I don't know why this is, and it's mildly disconcerting- what the hell are they doing to it to make it so sweet? I know they dehydrate it, or something, right? Oh, hey, the Internet! The Internet can tell me things! And it tells me, courtesy of Wikipedia, that "Since dehydration may result in water loss up to seven parts out of eight, dried fruit has a stronger flavor than its fresh counterpart." Well, there you have it.

Uh, oh, there's more- "The drying process also destroys most of the Vitamin C in the food." Huh. Well, that's not good. In fact, one of my nutrition bibles, the Magic Foods guide (which I wrote about earlier in 'Required Reading') says that dried fruit usually lacks almost all of the vitamins that its fresh counterparts have, except maybe the fiber. Also, dried fruit can have up to twice the calories of fresh fruit, for less actual food: for example, an apple has 60 calories, but 10 dried apple rings (the serving size) has 110 calories.

So, is dried fruit really worth it? It's delicious, and it's convenient, but is it healthy? Also, dried fruit is pretty expensive compared to the fresh. Thank God you have me around to make up your mind for you.

In my humble opinion, dried fruit is worth it, provided you study the label carefully and choose wisely. My pick? Trader Joe's Dried Bartlett Pears, and also, Trader Joe's Sweet Dried Apple Rings. Have I mentioned lately that I fucking love Trader Joe's? God, they are awesome. I used to think only uppity people shopped at Trader Joe's, but I guess now I am one of those uppity people, buying my fancy cheeses and organic arugula and carrying it home in my trendy reusable grocery tote bag. I don't care because I get awesome dried fruit at Trader Joe's.

Why is this dried fruit awesome? Mainly, the fiber. Fresh apples and pears have a goodly amount of fiber in them, and it's all preserved in the dried version. For example: the pears have a whopping 10g of fiber per 5 slice serving. That's 41% of your daily needs. And for only 140 calories, that's a deal. And though I might have maligned the apple rings earlier for having too many calories compared to fresh, in fact 110 is hardly anything for something this healthy, especially because it contains 3g of fiber per serving. I've taken to keeping a bag in my car for when I am on my way home from rehearsal at 10:00pm and famished.

I will offer one caveat- be careful about things like dried cherries, dried blueberries, and my beloved dried pineapple. The serving size is usually something like 1/4 or 1/3 cup, and let's face it, unless you want to look like crazy Lifetime movie anorexic girl by measuring out all of your portions with measuring cup, it's pretty easy to get carried away and end up eating way more than you intended; generally, these are in the 140-cal per serving range, which again is really not much, but if you're eating twice or triple that, then it kind of defeats the purpose and you might as well have candy. Dried berries are good for salads, or trail mix, or for sprinkling in your oatmeal, but in general, not so good to take the bag along and munch whenever the urge hits ya.

That's all I got. Comment and tell me what sorts of dried things are not tasty!

2009-08-23T19:46:00.001-07:00

It's a magical time of year- the Indy Fringe Festival. This year I'm involved in two shows: Welcome to Blanksville, a long form improv show based on the Choose Your Own Adventure books with Indyprov, and Tortillo!, about a snack food company-cum-drug ring. We all know that snack foods are so not my thing. Being surrounded by bag upon bag of Fritos, Funyuns and Doritos at all times sounds like dieting hell, but actually, I don't even want to eat those things anymore. Put a big ass chocolate chip muffin in my face and we'll talk.

I've seen a few shows so far, including my friend Carrie's Stetson Manifesto (check her out at rainbowsandsausages.blogspot.com), a really neat modern dance piece called Gone, Gone, Gone (I swear one day when I retire from acting I'm just going to dance, because nothing makes me feel more light and free), and Wanda and Rhonda's Bitchin Bingo Bash, where I unfortunately did not win bingo.

But one show I saw happens to relate to the blog. It was called 'The Attack of the Big Angry Booty.' It's a very funny storytelling piece about both losing weight and watching others lose weight. It's told from the perspective of a gay male actor, and as such I really felt like I could relate to it. I don't think I can properly stress how much weight and body means to a performer. Your fat ass is on display for the world to see, and because you have voluntarily put said ass out there, it is fair game for anyone to comment on. The thing I told Les, the storyteller, that really stuck out to me was how every story was about a gay man or a woman- never a straight man. I really do feel that straight men have much more leeway with their weight; this is especially obvious to me once you get to the performance world. Hell, straight men get more leeway with their looks in general. I think of the show Roseanne- lots of people didn't like Roseanne because she was an opinionated lady, so to try to hurt her feelings, they called her fat. John Goodman was way bigger and I never heard anyone call him fat.

I liked this piece because it reinforces what I have been saying since God was a boy- control your portions and get some exercise, and you will be fine. If you don't want to control portions or exercise, you'll be fine, too, but you'll also probably be heavy, and if you are a gay man or a woman, chances are that people will not be okay with your decision to be heavy. Remember this, though- no one can make you feel like shit without your permission. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, I was hardwired to be sensitive to comments on my weight. Hence this blog!

I admired Les's courage to get up there and talk about his struggles. I'd love to do a storytelling piece of my experiences with weight loss and dieting, but I find a lot of that stuff too personal, even for the blog. But Les's piece isn't super serious; it's actually very fun and easy to relate to, for anyone. Check it out! (After you've checked out my shows, of course.)

2009-08-02T16:15:00.000-07:00

There's an article in today's New York Times magazine called Out of the Kitchen, Onto the Couch by Michael Pollan. It is partly about Julia Child, who is awesome, and partly about "Julie and Julia", whose producers I swear must have purchased stock in the Times because it seems like every damn article lately has made some mention of it (Civil Unrest in Honduras Continues while Julie and Julia Opens to Rave Reviews), but mostly about how people no longer cook at home, even though as a culture we still seem pretty fascinated with food.

Read it. It was really, really interesting, especially if you like food or cooking. The stats, while sad, were not surprising- the average American spends 27 minutes a day on food preparation. I'm sure some of you are saying, "That's kind of a lot." And maybe it is, to you, because I'd wager to say that a good 50% of people "don't cook." Here's what I have to say about that- get over it and learn.

The article does get down on all of the many 'shortcuts' afforded to us now. I like convenience food as much as the next person- I don't know what I'd do without bagged spinach, sliced mushrooms, chicken buillon cubes, and refrigerated pizza dough. I'm glad we have these things, because without them, I probably wouldn't cook. The article talks about how Julia Child took the fear out of cooking- she showed the average home cook with a normal kitchen how to make fancy sounding things and proved that it was something everyone could do if you had the patience and the motivation. I think for most people, watching Julia Child in 2009 would actually make you more fearful- "You mean I have to do THAT?" The good news is, since the majority of us don't have one adult who stays home and whose main job is to run the house, I don't think anyone is expecting people to prepare an hour-long French feast every night of the week. In 2009, the article says, cooking in the style of Julia is pretty obsolete, except for those of us who truly want to spend hours cooking.

And I don't spend hours cooking, though I do cook. In fact, I cook almost everything I eat, or do some amount of preparation, even if it is just slicing the cheese and tomatoes to make a sandwich. But for the most part, I don't roast my own chicken, or make my own pie crust (Pollan calls this "real scratch cooking"), and that doesn't make me feel inadequate. I can make a mean Korean chicken or spinach and mushroom quiche or baked ziti. People ask me how I learned to cook and I say, "One day I was hungry, and there was no food, so I had to make something." I might be one of the cooks that Pollan is villifying here- the ones who rely a lot on shortcuts and are drawn to the concept of "30-Minute Meals." But what the article taught me is, if I am consistently doing 30-minute meals every day, I'm doing a hell of a lot better than most people. I think there are four levels of cooking- those who don't cook at all, those who can operate an oven enough to make frozen lasagna or a boxed cake mix, those like me who can make a wide array of everyday meals and some specialty things, and people at the top who are total whizzes and know how (and have the patience) to do everything from homemade cannoli to steak tartare. I think all adults should be at least a level 2, with the ability to at least feed themselves. I am saddened by people who burn frozen pizzas. I find cooking to be very intuitive- once you have the basics down, it's really easy. Just follow the directions. Why are some people too scared to attempt that?

But what really drew me to the article was the connection between obesity and home cooking. I have always known this but I didn't have the stats to back it up, and now I do. The bottom line: people who cook are less likely to be obese than those who do. Far less likely. I quote:

"The more time a nation devotes to food preparation at home, the lower its rate of obesity. In fact, the amount of time spent cooking predicts obesity rates more reliably than female participation in the labor force or income. Other research supports the idea that cooking is a better predictor of a healthful diet than social class: a 1992 study in The Journal of the American Dietetic Association found that poor women who routinely cooked were more likely to eat a more healthful diet than well-to-do women who did not."

Whoa. I think that is amazing. But why? Oh, hey, more quotes!

"When we let corporations do the cooking, they’re bound to go heavy on sugar, fat and salt; these are three tastes we’re hard-wired to like, which happen to be dirt cheap to add and do a good job masking the shortcomings of processed food."

SEE!!!! Before, you didn't believe me. When you said, "Taco Bell isn't that bad for you, it's just cheese and chicken and a tortilla!" and I said, "God, you are so wrong," you disagreed. Now it's in the newspapers, so it's true. Now do you believe me? I hope this serves as a wakeup call to a lot of people- when you eat fast food or pre-packaged crap, you have only a vague idea of what is actually inside it unless you read the label. And a lot of that stuff is really, really bad for you. It makes you farty and tired and large (being large is okay, but only if you got that way eating stuff that is awesome and delicious- and believe me, there are lots of delicious and awesome things you can make at home for much cheaper, that are way more worthwhile things to use to fatten up.) They are hard on your system, full of steroids and lots of other drugs with unfortunate side effects, and they are addicting.

This is why I advocate home cooking: you can control what goes into your food. And if, like me, you prefer to use the diet version of ingredients to get a lower-cal product, you can do that! You can make your french toast with whole wheat bread with extra fiber. You can use egg whites instead of eggs to make your breakfast sandwich, and you can use turkey bacon instead of pork bacon. You can use I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! instead of real butter on your grilled cheese, or substitute turkey for pork in your meatballs. Alternately, you can do awesome things like add dried apricots to your turkey meatballs or mushrooms to your lasagna. These are all things that fast food places either don't offer, or you'd feel like an asshole for ordering. But if you do it at home, it's not only cheaper, it's healthier. And even if you're scared to cook, there are usually frozen turkey meatballs and cartons of egg whites in the grocery store to make it extra easy.

I get kind of upset when people refuse to cook and go out to eat all the time. I kind of equate it with laziness and wastefulness, which I understand is probably unfair, but I can't help it because I know how easy and beneficial it is to make the switch (I think this is how ex-smokers feel when they hear their smoking friends complaining of having a constant cough or something- they know there is a simple solution for the problem, but their friends don't want to hear it.) I know for some people, it isn't realistic to cook- it's a lot cheaper to go to Taco Bell than to buy tortillas and chicken and cheese. But all of the rest of us who make enough money to cook at home should do so, at least part of the time. There are such a wealth of benefits to cooking at home and taking control of your food. And besides, cooking is really fun. I used to be kind of a fast food addict. If I could have eaten fast food for every meal, I would have. I never would have thought that, today, I routinely turn down the option to go out to eat because I've been dreaming all day of something I can cook at home.

The article says a lot of this better than I can. But the bottom line is this- I started this blog because I love to write, and I love food, and I especially love healthy or diet food. I wanted to show people how easy it is to eat even a little healthier. I would be remiss if I did not point out that one of the easiest ways is to cook at home. So try it. You might like it.

Soup! And other foods for toothless people

2009-07-30T10:30:00.000-07:00

I finally did it. I got my damn wisdom teeth out. I've been putting it off for over a year now because I was just too terrified. Not of the pain, really- I've had jaw issues stemming from my teeth for years, and I doubted that the post-op pain would be worse than that (I was right.) I was really scared of the IV. I never used to have this huge needle phobia, and I still don't- I'm not thrilled to get a shot, but I can man up a little bit, with minimal tears. Getting blood drawn or having an IV placed is a different story. That shit ain't right. I just don't want anything in my veins; the very thought of it is horrifying to me. I was also terrified of the actual passing out- the counting backwards, that horrible feeling of falling and losing control. It makes me think of the people on Intervention, shooting heroin and then passing out and choking on their puke. Ew. I know it sounds really wussy for me to avoid this surgery that would have saved me a lot of pain and bullshit if I had done it a year ago because I was scared of the IV, but there you go. I even had gone to an oral surgeon at one point and talked about it, but when he told me I couldn't take a Valium before the surgery, I was out of there. But this time my jaw and mouth hurt so bad that my dentist refused to write me any more prescriptions for pain killers or Amoxicillin if I didn't just get them pulled, so I did. I asked them for the nitrous oxide before they even put the IV in, but when she told me, "Your fingers and toes might start to tingle," I started sobbing like I was going to the electric chair and didn't stop until a few hours after my surgery, because you best believe I was STILL CRYING when they woke me up.

Anywho, it does hurt, but nothing that sweet, sweet Vicodin can't control. What does suck is that I can't eat like I want to, and I haven't been able to since Tuesday of last week, when the jaw and wisdom tooth pain started and I stopped being able to open my mouth more than a few centimeters. Everyone knows that post-surgery, especially of the oral kind, you're limited to 'soft foods.' This generally means soup, pudding, and ice cream. For some people, this is really exciting- an excuse to eat all the ice cream you want! Not so for me. First off, if I want some ice cream, I'll just eat some fucking ice cream- I don't need an excuse. And second off, I don't want to eat nothing but ice cream. When I was a kid, I used to love Thursdays because that was the night my very health conscious mother worked late, so I was left with my dad, who doesn't cook. This meant I got to eat fast food. Sometimes, if my mom was out of town for something, I would get to eat as much fast food as I could ever want. As I got older, I realized that I wasn't really doing myself any favors by eating all that fast food. Yeah, it tasted good, but it wasn't worth it in the end. I feel that way about ice cream and junk food now. Yeah, it tastes good, and if I could eat it all the time, I guess I would, but I can't, so waiting until times like this to completely binge on it isn't really going to help me in the long run.

Plus, I'm used to eating healthy. It took me a really long time to get to where I am with my eating- to the point where I prefer to eat fruits and vegetables. I worry that I'm always on the verge of falling off the wagon, though. This week has proven that I am not. I MISS VEGETABLES. I think you can tell how nutritious a food is by its crunchiness. Usually, crunchiness denotes some kind of fiber, or at least a good high water content which means low cal. Watermelon? Apples? Peppers? Brocolli? Carrots? Crunchy. They take awhile to chew. Pudding? Soup? Ice cream? Un-crunchy. Fiberless, soft, and boring. But there is a reason they are recommended- I attempted to eat a salad the day before my surgery and found I was unable to get the fork in my mouth because I couldn't open wide enough, let alone chew the spinach to any sort of swallowable consistency.

Combine this horrible diet with an inability to exercise for my usual amount for a few days (Vicodin, while good at relieving the throbbing and tension, makes me a little sick to my stomach, and my legs sorta weak), plus the fact that I can't have any Coke Zero because I heard carbonation increases your chances of dry sockets, and I am ready to go Charles Manson on someone's ass. Seriously. Don't come to my house unannounced, because chances are I will be sitting on the porch cleaning my gun and looking for my next victim.

This presented a big problem. How do I eat healthy when I can't chew? It hasn't been easy, but I think I did a pretty good job.

1. Lentils. Lentils are miracle food. Packed with fiber, sometimes upwards of 40% of your daily value per serving, as well as lots of protein, they're kind of magic. Something this good should be illegal. And when cooked the right way, they're nice and soft and easy to gum! The way I've been preparing them comes from a recipe courtesy of a cookbook put out by Prevention magazine that I can't recall the name of (check out their cookbooks, though- I have a few and always get them at the library because they have some awesome creative and healthy, as well as easy, recipes.) Bring a cup of chicken stock and a cup of water to boil on the stove. Add 1/2 a chopped onion and a few good shakes of red pepper flakes. Add 1/2 cup of lentils while everything is still boiling. Simmer it, covered, for 20 minutes- if the lentils are dry after 10, add some more water. After 20 minutes, take off the lid, turn the heat on high and boil off the rest of the water if there's any left. Then add a shot of olive oil and some salt, pepper, and oregano. Delicious and soft. I added mushrooms and spinach to mine since my body needed things that had once been in dirt. Yum.

2. Smoothies. I'm not usually a fan of them, even though they taste good, because in general, they are nutritional nightmares. They usually involve some sort of frozen yogurt, hyper-sweetened fruit product, lots of excess milk and maybe a few shakes of protein powder. However, when you make them at home, you can control what you put into them, and save your five bucks that you would have spent on them somewhere else. I needed fruit, so I made smoothies. One I've grown to love is a few good handfuls of blueberries, a handful of frozen strawberries or cherries (or fresh is you have them, though make sure to take out the pits in the cherries), a generous splash of light vanilla soymilk (I like Silk brand), and either a scoop of light Activia vanilla yogurt or a scoop of chocolate protein powder. Voila- fruit, protein, and new chewing. If I had time to clean out my blender every morning, I'd probably drink these for breakfast pretty regularly.

3. Soup. It's a staple. I'm a sucker from french onion soup in particular, but it has to be the kind with a ton of croutons and a layer of cheese an inch thick on the top. I tried as long as I could to hold out on soup because it makes me feel like an invalid, but finally I couldn't take it and asked my dad to pick some up on his way home from work. Bless his heart, he bought all of the soups you use to cook with- cheddar cheese, cream of mushroom, etc. But he did get me a can of Campbell's Select Harvest Garden Recipes Harvest Tomato with Basil soup. I had never had tomato soup before- something about it just didn't seem right to me. It was too much like eating hot tomato juice. But I'll tell you what, it was good, and a bowl of it contains a serving of vegetables! I love anything sneaky like that. Each serving contains 100 calories, 5 from fat, and 2g of fiber and 3g of protein. Not bad for something you can essentially suck up with a straw. I dressed it up with some mozzarella and parmesan and it made a perfectly good breakfast. I'd eat it again, even if I weren't confined to only foods one can put into a feeding tube.

Exercise and the post-op

Unfortunately, I found that after my wisdom tooth-ectomy, I was a little more tired than usual- meaning I was so high on painkiller that I slept all damn day. Add to that the previously discussed shakiness and overall feeling of crap and I didn't do my usual hour of exercise. Luckily, a few weeks ago I bought Get Extremely Ripped with Jari Love. I love me some Jari Love- her DVDs all have titles like 'Get Ripped and Chiseled' or 'Get Ripped 1000' or 'Get Super Mega Hulking Ripped.' And she doesn't disappoint. She does high reps with few breaks and kicks your ass, with a focus on the arms. I especially like Get Ripped 1000 because you do step aerobics in between and by the end I'm so sweaty that I can barely see because it drips into my eyes. Most of her workouts are about an hour, but Get Extremely Ripped is actually 2 different 30 minute segments. I bought it for mornings when I have to do something early and don't have a lot of time; I figured they'd be good for my recovery since they're high intensity but not very long. And I have to say: damn. Just because they're short doesn't mean they don't kick your ass. I was sweatier than someone's swarthy immigrant dad after mowing the lawn (or my own swarthy dad after mowing the lawn.) It's mostly combination moves, with arms and legs, and you can use a step if you have it though there are modifications. I liked the little timer that pops up when you have 30 seconds to go. I don't recommend it for beginners, but I think people who work out occasionally (once or twice a week) might like it for an extra challenge. Do not think that all of her workouts are like this, though- her longer ones generally hit only one body part at a time, so while they are hard, they aren't as sweat-inducing as Get Extremely Ripped.

That's all I got! Comment and tell me if you give a damn about eating healthy when you're sick!

Peanut butter so good I wanna roll it in the hay

2009-07-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

Well, it finally happened. I stopped counting calories.

Kind of.

It started right before my vacation. For a few months now I have been keeping a pretty close record of what I eat every day, and consequently, the calories; or I should say, the night before I would plan it out and follow it roughly. I did this mainly because I find a lot of comfort in the structure of having a schedule or plan, and I pretty much planned out in my head what I was going to eat the next day anyway, but by writing it down I could clear that space in my brain for more important things, like reality show contestants and Elvis trivia. I also did this because I love to grocery shop and thus always have a fridge that is full to overflowing, so by planning things out I could make sure I was eating the spinach before it went bad, finishing leftovers to make more room for new things, etc. But I will admit that planning to this extent is kind of unhealthy and a weird eating behavior, especially the calorie counting part, and it was pretty easy to get obsessed with it (kind of like the very special Full House were DJ got anorexia for a day.)

Of course the nutritionist agreed. "Blah blah, no food accounting, woo woo New Age-y Enya blah blah." I think that's what she said. So I struck a bargain- on vacation, I would resist the urge to plan and tabulate calories. This turned out to be the best idea, because as we all know, there ain't no time to count calories during vacation. I ate lots of red velvet cake, like I promised I would, and also some fudge, and other things that I don't usually eat. While on vacation I read two really interesting books that resulted in me not picking up my food journal at all since I got back. One was The Skinny: How to Fit in Your Little Black Dress Forever by Melissa Clark and Robin Aronson (I suggest you buy it on Amazon because not only is it cheap, there are lots of awesome and creative but easy and healthy recipes in the back that you'll want to have. For serious, it made me want to eat brussel sprouts, which I haven't eaten for approximately 15 years.) The gist of the book is to eat what you want and don't eat what you don't want, and to eat lots of fruits and vegetables and to eat in moderation. None of this should be news, but it really made me think.

For a long time, I associated any kind of 'bad' food, like white bread or cake or anything else 'empty' with no nutritional value with completely trashing my day, healthy-eating wise. Like, "Fuck it, I'm going to have the fudge, and because any hope of eating well today is now fucked, I'm fittin to eat all the fudge I can stuff into my food hole." I knew this wasn't the right way to approach it, but I honestly could never understand how other people could eat just one piece of fudge and then stop (this is a big part of my diet foods philosophy- I want to eat a lot of whatever it is that I want to eat, so it better be low-cal so I can do that without a ton of damage.) In The Skinny, the authors say that nothing is forbidden, which is common in almost every diet book. But they really focus on eating enough to satiate you or satisfy your craving, then stopping. Like, I only really wanted one piece of fudge, and I don't HAVE to eat the whole pan because if I really think about it, I'm good. The hard part about this is that they realize that it's really hard to say no when there's a plate staring you in the face, so they suggest you throw what you're eating away when you're done to keep you from picking at it. This is really hard for me, because I refuse to waste anything, to a degree that I don't think even people who lived through the Depression can understand. I think it comes from working as a costumed interpreter in an exhibit about World War II and rationing and having to pretend like I'd kill someone for the roast beef under their fingernails, and repeating the phrase, "Wasting food is like taking it out of someone's mouth" over and over. But they have a point. Most of us were raised, rightfully so, to clean our plates and not waste food, but most of us then grow into adults who eat waaaaay too much under the guise of 'not wasting it.' Important point from the book: if you cannot fit your sandwich into your mouth, you need to either throw some of it away or save half for later.

I also realized from the book that I really haven't been eating enough fruits and vegetables. This was kind of a surprise, because I consider myself a militantly healthy eater, never eating anything unless it has some sort of redeeming attribute, like lots of fiber or protein. But one of the main points of the book is to figure out what you really want to eat, and then building a meal around that. If you really want a piece of pizza, go ahead, but only have one or two and fill the rest out with salad or cauliflower. And when I started to think about it, yeah, I eat veggies and fruit every day, but it seemed like the majority of my diet was made up of protein and grain instead. Veggies I can sneak in anywhere, so I decided to start with more fruit. Oh, my Maude. I'm eating fruit I haven't eaten in years, and it is delicious. Plums, apricots, honeydew melon, all delicious and nutritious. So, I've been eating so many fruits and veggies that I know are low-cal that I'm not eating as much of the things that carry more weight, like bread and nuts or whatever, so I don't feel the need to worry so much about calories.

The other book was Breaking out of Food Jail: How to Free Yourself from Diets and Problem Eating, Once and For All by Jean Antonello. I picked this up at the library because I was interested in learning how to eat healthy but not think of it as a diet. Also, I wanted to see if it had any advice on the whole 'eating the entire pan of fudge' issue discussed earlier. The gist of the book is that most overeaters are actually undereaters, or at least started out this way. It's kind of a fascinating insight- a lot of people are dieting right now just to get back to the weight they were when they started dieting. That is a scary thought. The idea is that dieters are on a continuous feast or famine cycle, where they try to severely restrict their food intake to lose weight, but then end up fucking it all up by having a binge on chocolate frosting. And it is always something horrible like chocolate frosting, because your body is programmed to seek out the fattiest thing possible when it thinks it might not get to eat ever again. I started thinking: have I really been undereating that much? And the answer was: yeah, dumbass! The book says that by eating good quality foods (nothing empty, pretty much) whenever you are hungry to the point of being full (not just 'medicating' your hunger with a few little bites), that you'll pretty much be too well fed to ever binge or overeat. That makes a lot of sense to me.

So I'm trying it. By this I mean I'm definitely eating more, but as far as more calories, I'm not sure, because I haven't been keeping track. Basically, I try to eat something with fiber, something with protein, and some sort of fruit or vegetable with every meal, plus a snack between dinner and lunch. For example- old breakfast= a packet of oatmeal with a handful of almonds. Today's breakfast= watermelon, two egg whites with a torn up piece of turkey, and a bowl of shredded wheat. It looks like a lot more food, and it sure did fill me up, whereas my old breakfast, while probably containing roughly the same amount of calories, didn't keep me full for nearly as long. Also, I find that now, one piece of cake is good.

Note: this does not mean I have stopped counting cals completely, or that my love affair with diet foods is over. Diet foods and I are still meeting for a sweat sexy rendezvous in Argentina whenever we can and sending each other graphic e-mails. And calorie counting still sometimes sneaks in my oval office to give me a blow job. But the extent of it is picking up items in the grocery store, checking their calorie count and serving size, and then not really looking at that again. If I'm satisfied that I didn't buy anything with a horrifying amount of fat, then I'm secure in the knowledge that anything I choose to eat will probably be pretty good for me.

Peanut Butter- nut butter of the Gods

So on vacation, my dad and I made a little jaunt to Saugatuck, aka the Key West of Lake Michigan. I found all manner of quaint and adorable little shops, but one in particular stood out- a spice store that I wish I could remember the name of. I'm confident that it was the only spice store in Saugatuck so it shouldn't be too hard to find. I bought vindaloo spice and Asian spice and MOTHERFUCKING CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH PEANUT BUTTER. It sang to me from the corner, and I found it and immediately after purchasing it began to eat it with my fingers. I have a thing for peanut butter. I flove it. I used to be satisfied with just run of the mill Jiff, but then I discovered Peanut Butter & Co. They make all kinds of scandalously flavored peanut butters, like Dark Chocolate Dreams and Cinnamon Raisin Swirl. They're pricey, but they're worth it. I didn't think it could get much better than dark chocolate flavored peanut butter, but I was so wrong. The purveyor of said motherfucking chocolate chip cookie dough peanut butter is P.B.Loco. Just looking at the website by now, I literally started to salivate. I mean, is there anything more orgasmic than caramel apple flavored peanut butter? Or white chocolate raspberry flavored peanut butter? The answer: no. The chocolate chip cookie dough flavor is so chunky, so deliciously both dry and oily, so chocolatey and delicious that to eat it with anything other than a spoon would be blasphemy. No bread, no jam, no chicken breast or pickle can compete with that shit. I was all sad, thinking that I would have to bite the bullet and order it online because I can't live without it, but lo and behold, my local SuperTarget carries it! Unfortunately, the only other P.B.Loco flavor they carry is Jungle Banana, but I bought some today and am happy to report that it is equally amazing.

Which leads me to: why don't they make fucking diet peanut butter?! Peanut butter isn't all that bad for you. The fancier ones, like Peanut Butter & Co. and P.B.Loco don't contain any trans fat, and it does have protein and the good kind of fat that keeps you full. But two tablespoons (the general serving size) generally packs between 170 and 200 calories, plus about 25% of your daily fat needs. A few weeks ago, I looked at a jar of reduced fat peanut butter at Kroger, and the bastard had the same amount of calories, only less fat! Fuck that! I want some diet peanut butter. But until they invent it, I will just have to keep telling myself that by eating peanut butter with a spoon, I am sparing myself the calories of eating it with crackers or in a sammich.

Lastly, stuff about exercisin'

I have my own fairly complicated but steady workout plan- I work out every day for an hour, alternating every day between cardio and strength training. My cardio used to come completely from my exercise bike, where I did my own form of interval training which involves counting to four a lot and riding standing up. Needless to say, my bike is now kinda fucked, so I needed to find a way to give it a break. I read a review over at Fit Bottomed Girls of Mindy Mylrea's step workout Interval Express. They spoke quite highly of it, even giving it their highest rating ever. I was reluctant. I used to work out exclusively with videos, even for cardio. I was a normal weight, yeah, but it wasn't until I started hitting the gym and eventually got my exercise bike that I got to my current size, where I am much happier. I just didn't really believe that a DVD could ever give me the kind of workout that machines do.

I WAS WRONG AND I BEEN BORNED AGAIN. This workout is the shit. You need a medicine ball and a step, so it isn't completely equipment free. And the moves were kinda complicated at first, even for me, and I take one or two ballet classes a week. But it worked me, and it worked me but good. The difference between equipment and aerobics-based workouts are that in aerobics, you move your whole body, and that tires you out a lot faster than just using your legs. This DVD is based on intervals, hence the name, and they sometimes seem to go on forever. I felt like I got every bit as good of a workout as I do on the bike, so this DVD is now in the rotation. Apparently it has been discontinued by the distributor, which is fucking stupid, so order it when you can, or get it off Netflix.

That's all for now! Comment and let me know about your best peanut butter orgasm!

Sugar Free Carmel Sauce! AKA- Why the hell did I think this would be good?

2009-06-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

It's summer! Everyone around me is bitching nonstop about the heat, but I kind of love it. I routinely turn the air conditioning off in the house when I'm home alone, because I should not be forced to huddle under the covers in my bed at 3 in the afternoon, swaddled in a sweatshirt and sweatpants in the middle of June because it is the only remotely warm place. Summer also means vacation, which is where I'm going tonight. I'll be sharing a cabin in the boonies of Michigan with my parents, my sister, and her husband and children. I'm looking forward to a week with no TV; not so much looking forward to being without my exercise bike. But I'm going to enjoy myself by baking, swimming, reading, and sleeping as late as possible, because shortly after I get back I begin my Soul Sucking Office Temp Job. I don't think it will actually be soul sucking; in fact, it might be quite entertaining.

But you don't read this blog to find out about my boring mundane life. You read it to find out about something equally boring- diet food! Today I'm taking a foray into the often-scary world of diet dessert products. A big reason that people are terrified of anything 'lite' is because of a traumatic encounter with some sort of nasty, pre-Splenda sugar free baked good. That shit used to be nasty. But the times, they are a-changing, and now there are several not only adequate but sometimes downright tasty diet desserts.

Unfortunately, the one I'm reviewing today is not one of them.

Sorbee Sugar Free EatRite BeFit Caramel Flavored Syrup

In every grocery store, there is a little section of sugar free things. And I don't mean diet things, I mean sugar free things, generally marketed toward people with diabetes. At my Kroger, it is located between the canned and dried fruits and the international foods. Surprisingly, I had never really investigated this little enclave of the grocery store; I can pretty easily find healthy or lite versions of things I want to eat elsewhere. But a few weeks ago, I was doing a big shopping trip with my mom, and I happened to walk by them. There I saw it, staring me in the face- Sugar Free Caramel Syrup. Only 15 calories per serving!

I fucking love caramel. For four years I worked at Steak 'n Shake, and it was not uncommon for me to squirt a big heaping helping of caramel into a cup, cover it with nuts, and top it off with some whipped cream, then eat it with a spoon like a big ice cream-less sundae. I'm the same way with hot fudge. Everything delicious just tastes better with caramel on top. Something about the buttery aftertaste, I think. Just imagine a delicious turtle sundae. Nom nom nom.

Problem with caramel (or carmel, as I'm sure I will go back and forth with the title throughout this post since I don't really care what you call it, it's fucking good): bad for you. It's pure sugar that you heat with milk and butter. I don't have to tell you that that is a whole mess of calories and fat. However, most people don't eat caramel like I do, i.e. with a spoon like a container of yogurt. So most people don't care about the calories in caramel because they're not eating it by the bowl. But what if you are?

Then you solve your problem with a sugar free caramel syrup! Thinking back, I should have known I was making a mistake. Removing the chief ingredient in something with only two other ingredients does not bode well. But Mom was buying, and God help me, I can't resist the caramel. So into the cart it went. I should mention that several of the products in the sugar-free aisle were covered in a thin layer of dust. This should have told me something.

Later that night, I so excitedly made myself a little faux turtle sundae- Jello creme brulee Rice Pudding (btw, so good. Getcha some), a few almonds and a nice dollop of sugar free caramel syrup. Little did I know I was ruining some perfectly good pudding and nuts.

This stuff is NASTY. I do not say that lightly. I can't quite describe why it tastes so bad, but I'll try. First off, it is very thin- not thick and decadent like caramel syrup should be. Second, it has the distinct taste of Sweet and Low, even though it claims to use Splenda. Suuuuure. Third, it reminds me of those horrible containers of powdered creamer that cheap people put by their coffee machines. Why? Because non-dairy creamer is one of the ingredients, along with sorbitol, a common sweetener.... in cough syrups. This stuff was the definition of scary, plastic-y diet food. When your mom was on a diet in the early 80s, this was what she was eating, and is the reason why she decided dieting is not worth it and now is 50 pounds overweight. It's enough to turn you off diet food FOREVER. I beseech you, do not waste your money. In fact, I just put a little dollop of my finger to remind me of the taste, and now my throat kind of burns. There's something wrong with it. It is also, according to the bottle, "New." I wonder what the old kind tasted like.

Sorbee Sugar Free EatRite BeFit Caramel flavored Syrup has 15 calories per 2 tbsp serving, 0 from fat. However, it is kosher, so if Rosh Hoshana sneaks up on your this year and it's the only thing left in the grocery store, chug away.

Something else for you to read and eat!

I've taken up eating meat again. I just couldn't stay away from the foul. I still haven't eaten pork or beef and don't plan to, but damn, did I miss turkey. Turkey is one of those perfect foods- low fat, high protein, and tasty to boot. Lately I've been wrapping one in a tortillo slathered with blackberry fruit spread for lunch.

In keeping with tradition, I'll add an easy recipe here with some turkey.

Apricot Turkey Burgers
1 lb ground turkey
a handful and a half of shredded cheddar
a handful of diced dried apricots
a handful of breadcrumbs
garlic, onion powder, salt and pepper, and whatever other seasonings you're partial to

Combine all of this in a big bowl and mush it around with your hands. Form as many burgers as you want- I made seven, but you can make fewer or more depending on the size. Put them on a rack on top of a shallow broiling pan (to drain the fat) and stick them under the broiler for five minutes per side. They're tasty- just a hint of sweet with the savory, and juicy. Maybe you could add some brown sugar. That might be good. I ate mine without buns and dipped them in some delicious Premium Select Chipotle mustard. Dericious!

That's all for now! Comment and tell me the nastiest diet food you ever ate!

Sounds boring but isn't: Bread!

2009-06-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend was hell on wheels when it comes to healthy eating. Two of my cousins graduated high school, which means open houses, which means, "Why yes, I would like a third piece of coconut cream pie." I even ate chicken. Nothing wrong with a little indulgence as long as you don't fall off the wagon completely (ed. note: not good advice for drug addicts or alcoholics) and get back on track, which is what I'm doing today, eating all healthy and doing countless mini-workouts from my new obsession, Exercise TV. It's brilliant! So many free workouts, and with forums, no less. Check it out at exercisetv.tv and be prepared to be overwhelmed with awesome.

Today I'm reviewing a staple in everyone's diets: bread. The much reviled (by me) Atkins diet and its many kin would have you believe that bread is to be avoided at all costs, but let's get real. We're Americans and we like our sammiches. But there is no doubt that sometimes bread and its ilk can wreak havoc on your diet, or at least your blood sugar. White bread is one of those foods that, IMO, should be at the top of the food pyramid with Snickers bars and pork rinds. It's a treat. That's why it tastes delicious. And like lots of things at the top of the food pyramid, the more you eat it, the more you crave it. Those yummy looking loaves of french bread with their perfect golden crust baked fresh everyday at Kroger taunt me, because they have no nutritional information, and that means they're hiding something. There's just not a whole lot of redeeming value in white bread.

The obvious solution would be to switch to wheat bread. Unfortunately, some wheat bread is really not all that good for you, either. Wheat is brown before it is bleached for white bread- thus sometimes you might be a loaf of wheat bread, thinking you're all healthy, but you are WRONG. I can't stress this enough: READ. LABELS. Just because a loaf of bread is brown and weighs about three pounds does not mean it will help you lose weight or even that it is better for you. As always, I recommend that you make sure what you're eating has some fiber. Real whole wheat bread should have at least 2g per slice; if you do your comparisons, you will find some with a lot more than that. Also: be aware that some of the denser, fancier wheat breads can pack up to 110 calories per slice. In fact, in front of me I have the half-eaten loaf of bread that my parents use to make their sandwiches, Aunt Millie's Multi-Grain Bread. I see that it has 60 calories per slice and only 1g of fiber (and this is on the far low end of the calorie spectrum when it comes to these kind of breads.) Might as well eat Wonder Bread.

But don't worry, because some people are awesome, and by awesome, I mean they created diet bread with redeeming nutritional value.

Healthy Life 100% Whole Wheat Whole Grain Bread

I first discovered this in high school, and it soon became a staple of my lunches- two pieces of Healthy Life bread with some turkey pepperoni and Swiss cheese. Why is this bread so awesome, you ask? Look no further than the label:

35 MO'FUGGIN CALORIES PER SLICE.

It don't get much lower than that, folks. I especially like this bread for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which are pretty good for you, but the fat and calories from the peanut butter tends to add up. By balancing it with such a 'cheap' bread, calorie wise, you can enjoy them to your heart's content. And enjoy I do. For, you see, not only is this bread amazingly low cal. Oh no. It is also high fiber. Two slices? 20% of your daily fiber.

This bread is the shit. It even bills itself as the "Original Dieter's Dream." Even if you aren't on a diet, you'll still enjoy it. It's not one of those things you eat when you're only on a diet. I won't bore you with things like how it tastes, because it's fucking bread. Most run of the mill sammich bread tastes the same. It's pretty damn good. And cheap, to boot, so there's no excuse not to buy it. Use it for toast. Use it for french toast. Eat it plain. I like to make it into a little egg sandwich in the morning- two slices, an egg white or two, and a slice of Muenster cheese with some mustard. They make buns, too, and Italian bread, and even DOUBLE FIBER BREAD.

Another reason why I love this bread? On its website it has a little page devoted to the benefits of fiber. God bless Healthy Life Bread. But don't take my word for it: here is a testimonial from the testimonials section of the website.

I just wanted to say that this is the best bread, 100%Natural Whole Wheat, I ate the entire loaf in one week. I even ate the ends of the bread.
Lyneth N.
Chicago, IL

See that? She even ate the ends of the bread. That's hardcore. I picture Lyneth eating this bread plain and straight from the bag. She probably didn't, though. But it is that good. I'd do it. Okay, I've done it.

The one drawback? It's a tad flimsy. You can make a good PB&J, or turkey, or pepperoni sammich with these, but what about something that needs a stiffer bread, like a veggie sammich? Don't worry. I got you covered.

Arnold Select 100% Whole Wheat SanwichThins

My mom turned me on to these when she brought them home a few years ago. They're quite cute as a novelty item- little round pieces of bread, reminiscent of a bun but not as fluffy. And the nutritional info is something to write home about: at only 100 calories per roll and 5g of fiber, I can't see anything wrong with them. But I can see something right with them.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about performing at the Bean Cup in Greenwood and discovering their delicious vegetarian sandwich. I successfully recreated it at home, but it needs a pretty sturdy bread to keep from getting soggy, what with all the tomatoes and cucumbers. However, I really dislike some of the heartier wheat breads. What to do?

It's SandwichThin time, bitch.

They're perfect. Sturdy and dense enough to house even the wettest of lunch meat and lunch meat accoutrements. My favorite thing to put on it? Aloutte makes a yummy lite dill spreadable cheese, which I put on one slice and top with spinach, red onion, and cucumber. Sometimes some red pepper. Altogether it's less than 200 calories for a good serving of fiber, veggies, and protein. Doesn't get much more awesome.

Now, some stuff about exercise

Lately I've been reading a lot of buzz about the Couch-to-5k program online. The idea is to get you from a couch potato to someone who can run a 5k without stopping in 9 weeks. From everything I've read, the program is completely doable and really life changing. I've read countless success stories.

I used to run, but only briefly, for about three months, and only because my elliptical machine was broken and it was my only means of cardio. I hated it. I really, really did. Maybe it was because I had no iPod, or maybe it was because I had improper shoes, or maybe it was because I had to run up and down huge hills in my rural neighborhood and past construction workers who would hoot and holler even though I was a sweaty mess in an oversized T-shirt with Garfield on it and a bright orange headband. Either way, having my elliptical back was the happiest day of my life. My route in those days was roughly three miles, with lots of hills, and I rarely ran the whole way- generally I would run a mile, walk for a minute, run another mile, walk for a minute, then finish.

The thing is, even though I hated running, I still really envy runners. My mom is one, and I'm really jealous of her strength and endurance. Every year around the Mini-Marathon I wish that I was still running so that I could do that. Also, I find the idea of having a form of exercise that you can do anywhere with just your running shoes to be very appealing. In fact, soon I will be heading out to a very rural town for the weekends to do some summer stock theatre, and I'm freaking out at the idea of having nowhere to work out. So, I'm considering doing C25K to kill two birds with one stone.

The only problem is, that whole running episode was over a year ago. These days, I am much more fit. I mean, waaaay more. I exercise for an hour every day, and generally do at least one other physical thing in addition to my workout, whether it is yoga, walking the dog, or ballet class- and of course, my beloved ExerciseTV mini-workouts. And I'm not talking about some namby-pamby pansy workout, either. I like my workouts HARD. I loved Jari Love's Get Ripped 1000- that's about the intensity I'm used to. So, as crazy as it sounds, I'm worried that C25K may be too easy.

I realize that running is a whole different ball game, and that my body will have to work to get used to it. But I'm kind of nervous that if I cut back my exercise to 20 minutes a day (which is how much you do on C25K) that I'm going to lose all of the strength I've gained. I've been considering maybe shaving a few minutes off my hour a day and doing C25K in addition to my normal workouts, but that seems like a lot and I don't know if I'll have the dedication. But either way, it's something to think about.

That's all! Comment and tell my your favorite sandwich fillings, or your experience with C25K. Hopefully next time I'll have some updates from Bill on P90X!

2009-05-31T18:51:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile.

It's not that I haven't been eating my diet food, because God knows I have. It's that I've sort of lodged myself into a routine with my diet foods and nothing particularly promising has shown up. So I will open myself up to the readers (of which there are.... um.... four or five?) and ask you to throw any diet foods that you want reviewed my way. I ain't picky. If it has the words 'low fat' 'whole wheat' 'diet' or 'Splenda' in the title, then I'll ingest it.

I have some other more interesting stuff to write about, but since I did start this to review, I'll put in a short one on a diet food that has been in my house since we got our membership to Costco (the health food-obsessed girl's equivalent of VJ-Day; imagine me French kissing an unsuspecting Costco employee from underneath my jaunty sailor's hat.) This food does not bill itself as diet, which means I hesitate to review it as I promised myself I would only review the 'lite' version of regular things. But I think as a service to people everywhere, these deserve to be in the public consciousness.

FiberOne Chewy Bars

Remember one of my number one diet rules, always eat breakfast? Well, there's a caveat. Yes, you should always eat breakfast, and if you have never done so before, I don't give a shit what you're eating, just shovel something in. If you already eat breakfast and have gotten into the habit, now I will tear you a new one. What are you eating for breakfast? Chances are it is a bagel, some sort of Cornflakes or Cheerios, some variation of McMuffin, or a Nutri-Grain bar. Now, all food has some sort of value, in that it provides calories, at least. But here's a secret. Anything you get at the Panera drive-thru is probably not as good for you as you'd like to think. Here's why- first off, anything that you purchase at a restaurant is probably going to have twice the amount of fat and calories as something you buy at the grocery store. That's what makes it taste good! Fat is delicious. But unfortunately, it tends to migrate to your ass and next thing you know you are me, a victim of 'skinny fat' (skinny person with one fat body part- mine is the upper thighs.) SO. Try to limit your buying breakfast on your way to work from a drive-thru window, unless you have no other options. You will thank me when you suddenly have fifteen extra dollars every week. Amazing how money adds up when you don't eat out every day! Some people still have not grasped this.

ANYWAY. Now I will berate you for your choice of eating at home. Again, Cornflakes and Nutri-Grain bars are a good start, and if it's all you can stand or something, then they will absolutely do. But I have another secret. Lots of people eat Nutri-Grain bars, thinking they are some super healthy brain food and feel all self righteous; oftentimes these are the people that refer to a meager bowl of white iceberg lettuce drowned in bacon bits, cheese, and ranch as a 'salad.' But let's look at the nutritional value. I have in front of me a box of strawberry Nutri-Grain bars. Kristi Yamaguchi is smiling back at me from the front of the box. I don't hate her, but I hate Kwan. Raymond and I applauded when Kwan fell during the Olympics. We don't like her. Not sure why. Anyway, by studying the nutritional info I see that each bar has 130 calories, 30 from fat. Not bad at all, but let's consider the real important part of all of this. If you've ever read my blog, you know that I believe that lots of fiber and lots of protein are essential to a good diet. They keep you full, keep your muscles working at their peak and they help you poop. Is there anything more important than that? Hell no. And Nutri-Grain bars only have 2g of fiber, or 6% (this should be 8%, actually, so it's more like 1.5 grams) and 2g of protein. And the first ingredient here is the ominiously vague 'filling', which consists of high fructose corn syrip, strawberry puree concentrate, glycerin, sugar, and then lots of big scary words and some food coloring. You do get a decent amount of calcium out of these, and some vitamins, but really, this isn't that good for you. You could probably eat Sprees or something and it would be roughly the same. But they're so convenient! And it's a granola bar, right?

It's time to let the real fucking granola bar around here come in and take over.

FiberOne is a company after my own heart. I mean, they are dedicated to fiber. I am dedicated to fiber. I really believe it is magical, mystical, healing, and probably was the gift of one of the wisemen at the birth of Christ. Why is fiber so awesome? Well, first off, you can pretty much subtract the calories in your food from fiber from the total, because your body doesn't really digest it... it just sort of passes in your poop. Which leads me to- fiber makes you poop. In my opinion, you can attribute a chronic shitty attitude in a person to two things: lack of sex and lack of poop. This is why chronically shitty people are sometimes called 'tight asses.' Which leads me to- math. Put food in, poop it out, voila, food is not settling on your lower back to create love handles. Also, it's good for your heart or something. Bottom line: fiber is good. Things with lots of fiber are especially good for you (wheat bread, Grape Nuts, veggies- please refer to my fun graphic.) This means that everything FiberOne makes is good for you (FiberOne representatives, feel free to send your complimentary merchandise my way for this free advertisement.) Just how good are these FiberOne bars? Well, they contain.... wait for it....

36% OF YOUR DAILY FIBER.

That's a lot. I would wager to guess that for the majority of the American population, these 'chewy bars' contain more fiber than they consume in an average day. And even better, these have a mere 140 calories per serving, or 10 more than a Nutri-Grain bar, but 7 more grams of fiber! AND high fructose corn syrup isn't even on the label for at least three or four ingredients (This might matter to you. To be honest, I don't care about high fructose corn syrup. Maybe it's those incredibly persuasive commercials. It's just corn! Makes me wonder why we don't sweeten things with green bean syrup.)

But how does it taste? We've all seen those commercials for Baked Lays are some sort of 'healthy' version of Lays potato chips involving the cartoon ladies. I don't like those commercials because they perpetuate all sorts of food penance/food is morality unhealthy behaviors, but one of them is sort of true- the one where the lady is eating some sort of fiber-y snack and choking it down because it's so dry and dusty. I think this is why a lot of people are scared of fiber- traditionally, things with a lot of fiber are kind of cardboardy. At least according to other people, they are. I have made it my lifelong mission to find delicious sources of fiber, and I am happy to report that these 'chewy bars' are on that list. And chewy they are. These take a while to eat because you gotta masticate the crap out of them, but it's worth it. They are held together with some kind of viscous honey-like deliciousness and drizzled with chocolate. They taste nothing like cardboard and everything like yummy. My only complaint is that they are just a little bit short and leave your fingertips a little sticky, but nothing a good licking won't fix.

Now that I have showed you the path to a healthy bowel and a healthier breakfast, you have no excuse for not eating the FiberOne bars. If I see you eating a Nutri-Grain bar, I now reserve the right to slap it out of your hand.

FiberOne Chewy Bars have 140 calories per bar, 35 from fat, with 9g of fiber and 2g of protein.

More stuff and things

This summer I've been largely unemployed, except for 75 bucks a week for a show I'm doing and sporadic monies from what I call my 'contracting business' (whoring myself out in all manner of costumes or what-have-yous for events, etc.) And with school only six hours a week, I've been trying to find things to do rather than sitting on my duff all day. I've taken up knitting- really, and it is HIDEOUS but I'm getting the hang of it- and become interested in alternate day fasting (see, it is relevant.) I first heard about this a few months ago in Shape magazine. The concept is that you eat nothing one day and eat whatever you want the next day. Everyone agrees that this is absolutely NUTS and not something you should do EVER. However, it has been shown to be extremely effective if you modify it slightly. The idea is that you eat about 20-50% of your average calorie intake on your 'low cal' days and eat whatever you want (in moderation, so don't go eating a whole box of Twinkies or something) on your 'normal' days. Studies have shown that most people actually eat only 10 to 20 percent more on their on days when doing ADF. Apparently, ADF can unlock the 'skinny gene', or SIRT1, which basically tells your body not to store certain things as fat... or something. I'm not a doctor. Look it up. Also, there are all kinds of studies out there anyway that advocate an extremely low-cal diet for its positive correlation with a longer lifespan. The thing is, can people deal with a diet that leaves you hungry as hell all the time?

Well, the answer, for me at least, is pretty much. I have a tendency to get really obsessed with healthy eating and feeling all sorts of nasty guilt when I eat something 'bad.' This is not a healthy attitude at all, and the ADF is actually easing it. The way I keep from getting ravenous is to plan to eat between 100 and 200 calories every two to two and a half hours. That way I'm stoking my metabolism while also avoiding getting weak with hunger. Plus, I always know that food is less than two hours away, which prevents what would be an inevitable binge if I were completely fasting. And the next day, I eat pretty much what I want. I eat really healthily anyway, but on the 'off' days I can ease up on portion controls a little bit. Let's examine Sunday- before church I had some watermelon and wheat bread with soy milk, and then went out to Bob Evans (I know, I know, but goddamn it was tasty) and got a big egg-white omelet full of veggies with biscuits and hashbrowns. Of course I had to sample half a piece of banana bread and half a dinner roll as well. Later that night I ate almost an entire margherita pizza from Bazbeaux and some salad and finished it all off with a piece of coconut creme pie. Normally, eating like that would have left me absolutely distraught, no matter how good it tasted. But the beauty of ADF is that I don't really feel guilty because I know that being 'back on track' is only a day away. In essence, you never really get 'off track.' Granted, I just started doing this a week ago so I don't know how long it will work in the long run... but I'll let you know. It's certainly better for you than starving yourself, and more feasible for a lot of people than doing a low-cal plan every day. And I think that it may be helpful for people who compulsively overeat, because over time you may find a balance. Just a thought.

Guest blogging!

Now, I love working out and eating healthily as much as the next person with way too much time on her hands, and I'll try anything that will make me sweat, but I have never gotten around to P90X. You know, those commercials with the people doing insane push up variations and getting washboard abs in 90 days? It always looked like a fad or a scam to me, like Metabolife or Atkins, but then I did a little research and found that a lot of normal folk had had great success on the plan. I even talked to a personal trainer friend who said that the muscle confusion theory is really successful- the idea is that if you are constantly changing up the ways in which you work your muscles, they will never become complacent and bored and thus you will always be making them stronger. The DVDs also come with a nutrition plan, so they don't market themselves as a quick fix- you've gotta be invested in the total program to see those kinds of results. So I've been very interested but didn't think I'd have the time or money to do it.

Well, luckily for me, my friend Bill does! Bill is going to be guest blogging here over the next few months while he does P90X. He's been getting back in to exercise and wanted to jumpstart it with the program, and I'm just pleased as punch that he's going to be sharing his experiences here on the blog. He's going to be so buff that we won't be able to resist him. Please refer to the graphic for what Bill's abs will soon look like (except I think that model is probably some sort of Latin, and Bill isn't... but who knows the power of the P90X?) I'm really excited to see how he likes it and to get his opinion out here (and, let's face it, I'm excited to see if it works so I can borrow it when he's done), so look for some material from him in the coming weeks.

And a recipe, because I'm awesome.

I've been fronting and saying I'd post recipes for some time now, but I think so far I've only posted one. So here's one. I made this the other night and invented it out of thin air, but it turned out pretty good. I usually shy away from raviolis because they are often laden with fat and calories, but I used special ones here. This is Italian food without feeling like utter ass later that night from being too full. Also, it has so many veggies that you may not even feel the need to add a salad. It's kind of a meal in itself. So read on.

Baked Ravioli with Veggies
1 package of wheat ravioli (I like Buoitoni, but you can use whatever, with whatever filling, but you want pasta with some fiber)
1 bell pepper, any color
1 red onion
1 14.5 oz can diced tomatoes
two handfuls of mushrooms
about 1/3 jar of pasta sauce- I used the super chunky mushroom from Ragu, because you get a full serving of vegetables per serving
1 minced garlic clove
Italian seasonings
shredded cheese- I used Parmesan, mozarella and Gouda
olive oil
two handfuls of spinach

DO THIS IN ORDER AND IT WILL ALL COME TOGETHER RATHER QUICKLY.

Chop up your bell peppers and onions and put them in a bowl with some olive oil and Italian seasoning. Shake the bowl to coat them, then roast them in the oven/toaster oven for 10 mins at 400.

While those roast, start your boiling water for the ravioli.

While you wait for that to boil, put your olive oil into a sauce pan and heat it up. Then put in your minced garlic clove and mushrooms and saute them for about three or four minutes. Then pour the can of diced tomatoes over it, stir it up, add some Italian seasoning and put the lid back on. Let it simmer while you put the ravioli into the boiling water and cook it according to the directions.

While you wait for all that, cover the bottom of a casserole dish with the spinach. Cover the spinach with some shredded cheese. By now your peppers and onions and ravioli should be done or close to it, so take the veggies out of the oven and drain the ravioli. Use the pot the ravioli was in and dump in your pasta sauce. Pour the mushrooms and tomato mix in with that; let it heat for a minute or two, then add the ravioli and the peppers and onions to it so everything is all mixed together. Add some Italian seasoning and let it sit on the heat for another minute or two. Now, pour half the mix on top of the layer of spinach. Add some cheese. Then pour the rest of the mix in and add some more cheese on top of that. Pop it in the oven at 450 for about 15 minutes, or until the cheese is all melty. If you use low or no fat cheese and wheat ravioli, this is a relatively low cal dish (probably serves four people.) But you can use all manner of cheeses and raviolis to make it as decadent as you wish. My version is meat free but you can certainly use turkey or sausage stuffed raviolis.

I love pasta. I could eat that shit every day.

Thus concludes the longest entry ever. Comment and let me know if you've tried P90X, ADF, or tell me your favorite way to get fiber!

Required reading

2009-05-13T09:36:00.001-07:00

Ah, my last day of freedom with no responsibilities or 'better things to do' before summer school starts tomorrow. Five days was a nice break but I go crazy without actual demands on my time, such as a job or a class. No, this blog does not count as a legitimate obligation.

It's becoming fruit season around these parts so I've been basking in the glow of in-season cherries, pears, bananas, peaches, etc. and not eating quite so much diet food (I know, I know. I'm still me, I promise!) Or maybe I've just settled in to something of a pattern with my food and haven't sampled any diet stuff of note lately. But rather than just wait until I actually have something to write about, I have a better idea. Book reviews!

Required Reading for the Low Fat Sugar Free Whole Wheat Diet Blog!

I never really offered a good explanation of my nutritional pattern and the patented Erin diet. It goes a little something like this: lots of protein, lots of fiber, lots of whole wheat, not a lot of animal fat and oils, sugar in moderation, and lots of color. Notice how nowhere does that say 'low carb' or 'points' or anything like that. It's pretty much sensible. Don't eat shit that's bad for you. And if you're like me and the stuff that's bad for you is what you really want to eat, then find the diet version of it and eat away. And exercise, for the love of God.

I arrived at this plan through a lot of reading- of labels, magazines, websites, and books. If you're like almost everyone in the country, you've struggled with your weight or your attitude toward it. These three books pretty much changed my life. I don't say that lightly because I don't have a touchy feely bone in my body. They are straightforward, no bullshit, and body positive. I started this blog because I wanted people to realize that eating healthy is not all that hard. Believe me, for years I refused to even try to eat healthy because I didn't like it. Well, that's too fucking bad. Pull up your big girl panties and deal with it. The best way to stop feeling negative about yourself is to eat a little better and exercise a little more. Once you've got these habits then the obsessive thoughts and negativity start to subside and you can move on with your life and stop worrying so much about your body. It's just your body, anyway.

Now on to the books!

Magic Foods: Simple Changes You Can Make to Supercharge Your Energy, Lose Weight and Live Longer By Robert A. Barnett and Denise Webb

This manual comes to us from the fine folks at Reader's Digest. It is pretty much a Bible for my diet. The book first offers you some pretty basic tips to healthy eating, like making the majority of your bread servings whole grain, avoiding too much sugar, etc. Then comes the bulk of the book, the Magic Foods (I kind of wish the book were called Mystical Foods, because that would be awesome.) The idea behind the 'magic foods' is that all of them have a low glycemic load, which means something like 'it keeps your blood sugar stable.' This is important. You know how they say if you eat Chinese food you'll be hungry an hour later? It's because all of that soy and sodium and whatnot gives your blood sugar a quick spike and then a crash. This is also why you feel hungry after you eat a candy bar and why a Snickers for lunch, even if it does only have 180 calories, is really stupid. It's pretty much a beginner's guide to healthy eating, which is where a lot of us need to start. There are a few things I love about this book.

1. It represents all types of food. Some stupid people have recommended you don't eat carbs, or don't eat fruit, or avoid peanut butter and avocados because of the fat. These people are WRONG. All of those foods have nutritional value and you need them. Variety is really important. I think this is where a lot of us fall off the wagon and never get back on- we get tired of eating carrots for every meal. Well, guess what. You don't have to!

2. The book gives you portion sizes. This is hard for a lot of us to grasp so it's pretty helpful to get an idea of how much of something to eat. It also lets you know if something is particularly good for you so you can have more.

3. The 'make it a magic meal' section. This is probably the best part. It gives you a ton of different ideas for making a normal meal into something similar but way healthier. Example- converting that salami and American cheese on a white roll with chips and a Coke into a roast beef with lettuce and tomato on whole wheat with pita chips, a peach and water. That's not so hard, is it?

Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works By Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch

Deep in the grips of a cycle of binging and crash diets, my friend from high school, Mary Kate, gave me this book and told me it changed her life. At first I concerned the book diet poison and propaganda. I mean, DON'T diet? What the hell kind of philosophy is that? But the book really does make a good point. The main concept is in the title: eat what you are craving (as long as it isn't constantly chocolate cake or something), because more often than not, you will find yourself satisfied with a little of it and able to eat healthily otherwise. Honor your hunger. The idea here is that, by obsessively dieting, we often diet ourselves to a higher weight or completely wreck our metabolisms. The book also points out how our bodies will eventually defeat us if we try to lose weight in a way that isn't healthy or sensible. There are lots of 'Eureka!' passages in this book where you realize that you've been sabotaging yourself all along. To wit: the concept that if you are really craving something, you should go ahead and eat it, because otherwise you'll end up trying to fill that hole with other things until you've consumed more calories than you would have if you would have just eaten the fucking corn bread in the first place.

The thing I like about this book is the idea that we all have a natural weight; if you eat sensibly and exercise in moderation, you will reach the natural weight that your body wants to be. If you try to push yourself past that, get ready to fail a lot and be in a lot of pain. Also, don't be a dumbass. Eat when you are hungry.

FAT!SO? Because You Don't Have to Apologize for Your Size by Marilyn Wann

My sister was reading this book during one of her breaks from college when I was 12 or so. She had never been a pound over thin her whole life, but I was a pudgy girl who had hit puberty early and was bigger than her peers. Finding this book was really a life safer for me. The idea here is that IT'S OKAY TO BE FAT. Pretty revolutionary, right? And it is. The book does not use euphemisms. You are not chubby, portly, big boned, whatever. FAT. And they, or you, or we, or I, am fat and proud!

The main idea is that some people are just naturally fat. You can eat normally and get moderate exercise and still be fat. This sentiment is finally coming around to the American consciousness with the Health at Any Size movement. Fat people aren't gross, they aren't stupid, they aren't lazy or ugly. We come in all flavors and fat is one of them. Stop and think about this for a minute: are fat people the last acceptable group to marginalize? How many times do you hear people saying, "I hate fat people"? It's not okay. Fat people aren't hurting you.

I can't say enough good things about this book. If you are skinny, it will make you want to gain weight. It's wonderful. There are essays from fat people, man, women, teens, etc. There are tips on how to reply when someone criticizes your weight. But mostly, this book is about breaking free from the restrictions people put on us and refusing to bend to their standards. I can honestly say this book changed the way I view the female form and I'm so glad I discovered it when I was young and impressionable. I think a big, healthy fat lady is sexy and beautiful. There really is more to love. There used to be an awesome website where plus sized women could send in their photos and have them drawn in a very stylized and sexy comic book theme; it was awesome. We need more of that. Say it loud: I'm fat and I'm proud!

That's all I got. Comment and tell me how awesome you think these books are!

The puddin and the jello and the koo koo ka choo!

2009-05-06T10:35:00.001-07:00

The quote above is courtesy of Raymond, doing his Bill Cosby imitation. No matter how many times he does it, I laugh and laugh.

Anyway! I do have a point. And that point is pudding, the least pointy of all foods. That staple of salad bars and Chinese buffets. I mentioned it in my last post, how I like my yogurt to be as thick as pudding. There is something infinitely satisfying in a nice big spoon of inexplicably jiggy-yet-stiff puddin. The last time Raymond and I went to Beef and Boards, we got a huge plate of nothing but pudding. It's like ice cream, but it doesn't hurt my sensitive front teeth (of the five or six episodes of Friends that I've actually watched in my life, only one exchange actually made me laugh- some guy was telling some other guy he was weird for not liking ice cream, and the guy replied, "It's too cold!" I feel you, man.)

I used to really love making the Jello Pudding from a box because I could mess with the chemistry to get it as thick as humanly possible. I pretty much want a cheesecake-like consistency. I would use half the amount of milk and a nice healthy dose of heavy cream. I tell you what, that thing about beating for two minutes? I rarely made it past one. It was that thick. And delicious.

But since then I have developed a grocery shopping and cooking habit, and since I can't control myself from cooking in bulk (I must have inherited my inability to make any dish that serves less than 8 people from my mom, who was one of 7 kids), I have very limited fridge space. So, no more making huge bowls of pudding unless I wanted to buy another Maytag. Also, the purpose of buying sugar free yogurt is kind of defeated when you use heavy cream.

But wait, what? You mean they make puddings in individual sizes? That are DIET? Oh, surely you jest.

NOPE.

Jell-O Sugar Free Dulce de Leche Pudding Cups

Just in time for Cinco de Mayo, it's that favorito Mexicano, dulce de leche! In case you hadn't noticed it, despite my mentioning it every two fucking seconds, I lived in South America for a few months (Uruguay and Brazil.) Though I was subjected to a smorgabord of disgusting edibles (mayonnaise covered pizza, for one, and pizza never deserves to be violated in such a way), I did eat a hell of a lot of dulce de leche. If I remember correctly, it's made with a lot of brown sugar and condensed milk. There's a lot of dulce de leche in the States now, so I don't need to explain it to you, but it's pretty much carmel. As a side note, I had more delicious pudding-like desserts in Brazil than I can possibly relate to you. One of my favorites was torta da bola, which amused my friends to no end because it means 'ball cake' and it sounds funny with an American accent. It was a shit ton of egg whites, sugar, and condensed milk with pieces of chocolate 'balls'. Holy eff, was it ever yummy.

Anywho, these pudding cups are not just little bowls of dulce de leche (though that would be delicious and exactly the kind of thing I would eat, as I often prefer condiments to their vehicles.) That is the topping, and the rest of it is some sort of flan-like custard. You don't get a whole lot of topping, and it's a little thinner than I would have liked- the dulce de leche I am used to it so thick that the spoon gets stuck by the end of the stirring. However, I suppose that would make it kind of difficult for the little robots to put dulce de leche into the cups without their mechanical arms getting gummed up, so I'll forgive them. Because these things are really good. I don't know that I would call them delicious, but they are pretty damn tasty. The custard part is satisfyingly thick and if you use a small enough spoon, they actually take awhile to eat (in my quest to stop eating two desserts I have taken to eating my pudding with a baby spoon that belongs to my two year old niece. If that isn't pathetic, I don't know what is. But it's working.) They aren't some paltry, pansy-ass tiny pudding cups. That is a rip off and I wouldn't reccommend them if they did that to you.

The most awesome thing about these pudding cups? 60 calories. No lie. That means you can ditch those pathetic little Oreo 100 calorie packs that contain 3 sad little Oreo cakes. If you ask me, those things only serve to whet your appetite and make you MORE hungry for dessert. One of these pudding cups is enough for me. They are also sugar free, which is whatever to me, but you might care (maybe if you are on the Atkins diet? If you are, stop right now and e-mail me so I can give you the secrets of the patented Erin diet that actually works and doesn't involve eating mayonnaise covered bacon.) They do, however, contain 6g of something called 'sugars alcohol', and I don't know what that's all about but I do likes me sugar and me booze, so count me in. Hey, eat it with some margaritas and you've got yourself a regular fiesta! Cue the maracas and me wearing a headband and a deadstock bikini, doing the Frug with Elvis on the sandy beaches of Mexico. Ole!

Jell-O Sugar Free Dulce de Leche Pudding Cups have 60 calories, 10 from fat.

Other stuffs and things

In a shameless attempt to promote my blog, I joined Twitter. You can follow me by looking me up under the user name kodachromerin. If I get some followers I'll try to post mini-reviews or diet/fitness/food related stuff. Or just other boring updates about my life, but I'll try to keep those to a minimum.

Also, I am looking for some tofu suggestions. I had a block of extra firm that's expiration date was today so this morning I cut it up and fried it. So far I have attempted to eat it with a fork and some Trader Joe's garlic aioli mustard sauce for dipping. It's been... interesting. So any ideas would be appreciated.

I found a great website for healthy recipes: Eat Better America. A nice feature is their 'healthified' recipes- taking traditionally atomically fatty or unhealthy foods and substituting ingredients to make them healthier. I don't know about you, but my poor body is so used to eating super healthy everything and diet versions of things that I get a little sick to my tummy when I eat out and they use all real butter, fat, etc. (This is either a good thing or a bad thing.)

That's all for today. Follow me on Twitter! And comment and let me know how you use tofu. Bonus points if you can tell me how to make tofu pudding.

Yogurt: Dieter's Best Friend!

2009-04-26T17:28:00.000-07:00

Oh, yogurt. My sister's three kids eat yogurt like it's their job, and I don't blame them. I for some reason remember not eating it much when I was young, but then Yoplait came out with their 'Whips', and I was hooked. It tasted like orange flavored air (or pina colada flavored air, but I think they discontinued the pina colada flavor for some reason.) Then they came out with the chocolate Whips, which were even more awesome, like a healthy version of chocolate mousse. But a few too many yogurt stains on the table cloth slowly led me away from the Whips until I couldn't even bear the sight of them in the fridge.

But then something happened- the TV told me to buy Yoplait yogurt. Really. There was a commercial, featuring that one semi-famous lady, where she was on the phone with a friend talking about how she could eat Key lime pie and Boston creme pie on her new diet. Surprise! She meant YOGURT! Oh, you kidder. Only fat people eat real Boston creme pie. Well, color me fat, because I love Boston creme pie. It is my favorite of the creme pies named for their place of origin. The Yoplait Light was fat free and low cal (100) but the one problem was that it wasn't thick. I had recently become addicted to the Trader Joe's yogurt, which was so thick it was like pudding but was unfortunately full fat. But I want that thickness! What do I do?

LUCKY FUCKING ME.

Yoplait Light Thick & Creamy yogurt

I happened upon this magical yogurt two weeks ago at Target, where I never ever grocery shop but where I happened to be while picking out a new lunch box (of course I had to get the one in the shape of Hello Kitty's head. It was necessary.) I just happened to walk by their dairy aisle and I saw it- Thick & Creamy. Even more low-cal than Yoplait Light. The flavor of choice? Cinnamon Roll. Oh fucking yeah.

First, a word about why yogurt is a dieter's best friend. Specifically, light yogurt, because it's generally very low-cal and low-fat. First, it's a serving of dairy, and regardless of what any stupid fad diet tells you, you need dairy because you need calcium. It's good for you. You don't want to get osteoporosis and end up on Boniva commercials like Sally Field (well, I do, because bitch be makin money, but I digress.) Also, there is research to suggest that servings of milk that come from food can help you lose weight. Second, yogurt has a lot of protein, which is
a staple of any diet. Here's a tip for you- when choosing what to eat based on labels, look at total calories, calories from fat, fiber, and protein. Lots of fiber and protein, in my book, will cancel out a high calorie count because it will keep you full for a good long while- in other words, it will be worth it. This is the difference between eating 500 calories worth of yogurt and 500 calories worth of Doritos. To recap: yogurt is low-cal, high calcium and will keep you full. Go yogurt go!

Now on to this particular yogurt. It is Yumtown USA. It is just as thick as I wanted it to be- it doesn't go anywhere on your spoon. It stays put. It's Jello-like consistency means it is that much more satisfying to eat and mystically keeps you full (I think) for longer than regular light yogurt, and definitely longer than the Whips. The cinnamon roll flavor is slightly tangy in the way that cheesecake is tangy. How good is it? So good that I about had a fit when I came home to discover that my sister's kids had eaten my yogurt. No, I wasn't mad that they had eaten my food- it's just food, I can by more. But I was heartily offended that they had only had a few spoons of yogurt each. That's yogurt abuse and I won't tolerate it in my house!

Yoplait Light Thick & Creamy yogurt has 100 calories per 6 oz serving, with zero from fat, and 5g of protein. It advertises 20% of your daily calcium and a hefty dose of vitamin D (the vitamin you get from the sun.) It comes in other delicious flavors like cherry cobbler and peaches and cream, so you can feed the fat person inside (or outside- it's delicious no matter you weight, and damn good for ya!)

Now for something completely different...

Saturday night I performed with Indyprov, Indianapolis's only independent improv comedy troupe, at the Bean Cup, an awesome little independent coffee shop in Greenwood. They had an awesome menu of really healthy food, in addition to being a kick ass enclave of local art and coffee. I had a really yummy vegetarian sandwich of mixed green, tomato, cucumber, red onion, red pepper, and provolone and multi-grain bread with a side of red potato salad. I have managed to copy it pretty closely at home but I'd go back just because the place is so cool and the owners are so friendly. If you are looking to support local business and eat some tragically yummy healthy food, check them out.

And! I promised a few updates ago that I would post some healthy recipes, but I lied because I can and it makes me feel powerful. But last night I made some homemade guacamole for a party and Bill told me to post the recipe to the blog because it was healthy and yummy, so here it is. Note: I have a hard time following recipes, because I add more of what I like, less of what I don't and every spice is to taste. So this is a guideline, and add whatever you like.

GUACAMOLE
2 avocados
2 roma tomatoes
1 small red onion
2 cloves minced garlic
1 jalapeno
1 serrano pepper
cilantro to taste
juice of 1/2 a lime
pepper, salt, red pepper flakes, whatever else makes it taste good to you

Mince all the veggies except the avocado. Put them in a bowl and shake them around good and let them sit so the flavors meld, about 15 minutes (you don't have to do this but I like to.) Cut the avocados in half, take out the pit and scoop the green innards into the bowl. Mash it all up (I do it with my hands), adding spices until you get it the way you want it. Add the lime juice last and serve. Carrie says that putting the pit into the guac keeps it from turning brown, so try that if you wanna. Wee!

That's all she wrote, and by she, I mean me. Comment and tell me about your favorite yogurt commercial, what you put in your guac, or what you like to order at the Bean Cup!

Waffles!

2009-04-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

Diet rule number one: EAT BREAKFAST. I cannot stress this enough. Every dieter knows this. If someone is skipping breakfast in order to lose weight, they are not on a diet. They are misinformed! Thank God you all have me around to tell you what to do. I'm not sure why you are supposed to eat breakfast; I've heard conflicting scientific reasons, things that have to do with metabolism and whatnot. But I eat breakfast because otherwise I'll be fucking hungry, and because I will eat more throughout the day if I don't have some. And you're more likely to fall prey to the doughnuts or crispy fatty nuggets or whatever that people always bring to work. Diet over (but in a delicious way.)

For years and years (junior high up until about a month ago), I had Slimfast for breakfast every weekday. It was just the easiest thing to grab, in addition to being pretty damn healthy (lots of fiber and vitamins, protein, and really low cal) and fairly tasty. It kind of was the perfect breakfast. I don't think it made me lose any weight, but it probably kept me from gaining any. If you need a diet breakfast, or if you don't eat breakfast, I would start here.

However, the nutritionist doesn't like Slimfast. Or, rather, she has encouraged me to eat something with my Slimfast. Um, hell no. What's the point of the fucking Slimfast if not to use it as a meal replacement? You don't NEED anything else. That's why Slimfast contains every vitamin in the world, plus every element on the periodic table, plus more fiber than a prune factory. My sister did once say that she would drink Slimfast as a beverage with her meals- a nice breakfast of pancakes with sausage and a Slimfast to wash it down. Why weren't you losing weight? You were drinking the Slimfast!

So, partly to appease the nutritionist and partly because I have more time now on weekdays mornings to eat at home, I have tried to reserve Slimfast for breakfast for only the days I have school at 9 am (Monday and Wednesday.) The other days of the week I will have oatmeal with some honey and almonds, or fake bacon with an egg or two, or some sort of fiber-y wheat-y cereal, or.....

MOTHERFUCKIN WAFFLES.

That's right. You read it correctly. But Erin, how can this be? Waffles are made with all things delicious and terrible for you- butter and sugar and white flour! And covered in syrup! And they have no nutritional value!

NOT THESE WAFFLES!

Kashi GOLEAN Waffles

They're a miracle. Seriously. I think Jesus has already been resurrected, because he visited the Kashi factory and touched these with his blessed hands. And I thank him for it.

I know what you're thinking. Diet waffles? Lots of diet versions of delicious things are really terrible and taste like they're either made with pure Sweet n Low or a healthy dose of seaweed. So I was understandably a bit wary of the GOLEAN waffles (I find it hilarious that it's all in caps, even on the Kashi website.) But I'd been considering buying them for weeks, and since I had found gluten-free pancakes at Trader Joe's for 230 calories per three, I was kind of one a roll. So I bought them.

This morning, I opened the box, after seeing that 2 waffles had less than 200 calories but 6 grams of fiber, I expected super tiny orphan waffles. Boy, was I surprised. They do not gyp you on waffle surface area here. These are honest to God waffles, a good five or six inches across. 2 definitely looked like they could fill you up. But the proof is in the pudding, so I waited until I actually ate them to make any wild claims.

BEST WAFFLES EVER. Sweet sassy molassy. They are fucking delicious. Strawberried, crunchy, sweet, with just that hint of wheat and good for you-ness that I enjoy. Damn. I can't get over how delicious they were. Also, 2 was definitely enough to keep me full for a good 4 hours, and sometimes it's a roll of the dice whether or not some starchy breakfast product will actually do its duty. I wanted to eat more of them but I didn't need to. I recommend the living crap out of these waffles.

I don't understand why anyone would ever buy regular waffles when these delicious and nutritious waffles are in the world (probably because they were around $4.50 a box as opposed to $3.00 for a box of Eggos.) Now, if only Kashi would come out with GOLEAN syrup, because I'm pretty sure the syrup I bathed my waffles in canceled out any nutritional value.

Kashi GOLEAN Strawberry Flax waffles have 160 calories per 2 waffle serving, 30 calories from fat. A 2 waffle serving of Eggo Homestyle waffles has 190 calories with 63 from fat, which makes it seem like the Eggo brand is pretty similar. WRONG. The difference in the actual nutritional value of your waffles- while Eggo has 2g of fiber (8% of what you need daily) and 5g of protein (10%), the Kashi waffles have 6g of fiber (22%) and 8g of protein. This means they'll keep you full longer and help you poop. And if there's one thing I'm an advocate of, it is pooping through the miracle of fiber. Wit that appetizing thought, dig in!

Sorry, no recipes today. I'm a liar. But maybe next time! For now, comment and tell me your favorite heart-stoppingly fatty breakfast foods!

BACON!

2009-03-28T14:55:00.001-07:00

A wise man once said, "Everything good is better with bacon." Okay, that was me. But it was true as hell. Think of all things delicious. All of them have bacon on them. In high school, my friend Mary had a dream that an acquaintance of ours was suddenly hugely fat and was begging her to make him a "bacon cake." We then became obsessed with the idea of a chocolate cake wrapped with bacon. To this day, that still sounds delicious (footnote: in high school every so often our group of friends would have a party involving Starmeat, a meatloaf that we covered in sprinkles and colored sugar. You wished on Starmeat like you would a birthday cake. Those wishes always came true. Believe it.) In fact, there even exists a chocolate-covered bacon bar that I would devour if not for the fact that is has to be delivered by mail, and I'm too lazy for that.

There's also the deliciousness of bacon all by itself. Thick, perhaps maple syrup soaked slabs of bacon curling up and leaving a slug-like trail of grease in their wake, the satisfying muted crunch and salty taste. I will say here that the best bacon I have had in a breakfast restaurant was at Elegance in Brownsburg. They know how to do it up right. That place is also reputedly run by the Greek mafia, so give them your business and avoid having your fingers cut off and sent to your family one by one. Opa!

However, bacon is really, really fucking horrible for you. There's no two ways about it. Especially if, like me, you use bacon as a condiment to other really horrible for you things (bacon double cheeseburger, loaded baked potato, PBJ&B, etc.) Also, since I became a sort-of vegetarian (I refuse to call myself a vegetarian until I can resist the siren call of a salmon fillet or crab cake), I no longer can partake of the deliciousness.

Or..... CAN I?!?!

Well, sorta. It all began many years ago when I was a wee child and my sister was a vegan. She came into my room eating something that looked kinda like bacon, smelled kinda like bacon, but was decidedly not bacon. And she was eating it RAW (that was the coolest part at the time, obv.) What the fuck was this meatless wonder? Why, it was Morningstar Farms Bacon Strips!

Morningstar is kind of the bomb. Meatless meat is a tough to do up right. It's kinda of a crap shoot, especially when it comes to specialty things beyond 'meatless crumbles' and 'veggie burgers.' It's all about recreating not only taste, but texture. And for the most part, Morning Star can do that pretty well. I will say that their meatless crumbles aren't worth it. But when it comes to their breakfast options, they discovered the secret ingredient that makes you bound outta bed and come a-runnin' to the table as soon as the rooster crows (I don't know who these people are who have time in the morning during the work week to prepare and eat a feast of waffles, OJ, bacon, and fruit like they suggest on TV, but apparently they exist, so I guess when I say 'you' I mean 'those people.')

Morningstar Farms Bacon Strips

I'll start with the name. They don't even really tell you outright that it's not real bacon. Subliminal. I like it. The box is friendly looking enough; Morningstar Farms! It came from a farm! But this farm doesn't grow animals, it grows vegetables! More accurately, it grows BACON. Wouldn't that be awesome, if bacon were a vegetable? Or a legume? Definitely a legume.

Sadly, facon lacks that thick but crunchy texture of good bacon. However, it has a crispiness to which no real bacon could ever aspire, probably because I would (generously) estimate that these facon strips are a 1/2 millimeter thick. It is also saltier than any real bacon, and if you, like me, would happily purchase a salt lick for home use, that is a good thing. Like most meatless meat, it's not fooling anyone. This isn't bacon. But I do think it could pass as an animal product. It has that meaty essence.

I will warn you to exercise caution when heating these up. While I think it includes directions for stovetop frying and oven baking, I am far too lazy to dream of frying bacon in a pan (also, that sort of defeats the purpose of low fat bacon if you're going to soak it in lard anyway.) I heated them up on a paper plate for the suggested 1 1/2-2 minutes, and the middles were charred and black and stuck to the plate by the time they came out of the microwave. I ate them anyway. But just so you know.

Morningstar Farms Bacon Strips have 60 calories per 2 strip serving, 40 from fat. That's a bajillion times less than regular bacon, I promise.

I'll plug Morningstar's sausage patties while I'm at it. I've always loved these, even when I didn't eschew real sausage. They just taste so damn good. They even have that fatty aftertaste. Last week I used them in a quiche, and you couldn't tell. In a quiche texture is important, and they held up admirably. They have 80 calories per pattie, 25 for fat, which is quite amazing considering how delicious they are.

And for those vegetarians out there who want my opinion on the matter, Boca pales in comparison to the luminious shine of Morningstar Farms meatless meats. Boca is crap. Don't buy it!

That's all I got for today. Comment and tell me what sorts of baked desserts you embellish with bacon! Also, next time I may have a special treat as requested by Carrie... low fat recipes!

The oxymoron supreme- low fat ice cream!

2009-03-24T17:40:00.000-07:00

It's been heating up a little around here, so I've switched my dessert preferences from baked goods to ice cream. Now, if you're anything like me, you cannot eat the suggested serving of a 1/2 cup of ice cream. I mean, really? The fuck? You think I'm going to eat- wait, you aren't serious. Oh my God, you're serious. Well, um, no. I need more like 2 cups of ice cream. And sometimes a second bowl. I have no self control (enter nutritionist.)

So the solution is not to eat less ice cream. The solution is to eat ice cream that doesn't make you fat! But since there is no such thing, ice cream that won't make you fat as fast is the solution. Low fat ice cream! Or sherbert, or sorbet if you wanna be pretentious.

Low fat ice cream is another one of those 'deal breaker' foods that people who hate diet food will generally refuse to eat on principle (see also, diet soda.) In my mind, ice cream is ice cream and is usually delicious regardless of fat content. But for those of you who disbelieve, I have made the sacrifice to sample several different kinds of low fat ice cream and review two of them.

Private Selection Premium Light Ice Cream: Peanut Butter Passion

This comes to us from Kroger's off-brand label. I am a fan of anything generic because, as a philistine with no discerning palate, I genuinely cannot taste the difference. And I especially like the generic ice cream because ice cream is expensive as hell. Why is that? Especially Edy's. Unless it has gold chunks in it, there's no way in hell I'm paying five dollars for a tub of dessert.

Anywho, on to the review. There are big ole chunks of peanut butter cup in this- not just the cheap peanut butter cup dust that most ice creams have. There is also a stripe of inexplicably gooey peanut butter twisting throughout it. I find that any ice cream that reports having chunks of something rarely has enough for me, so I will not hold that against this ice cream, but will simply comment that I wished, as I always do, for more chunks. I should probably just buy my lazy self some Reese's if I want something to bite into so bad.

Maybe it's because I've eaten low fat ice cream for so long, but I couldn't tell any difference between this and other kinds of ice cream. It tasted like, well, ice cream, and ice cream is delicious, thus this was delicious. Sweet and cold and peanut buttery. I recommend it.

Private Selection Premium Light Ice Cream in Peanut Butter Passion has 150 calories per 1/2 cup serving, 45 from fat.

Kroger Deluxe Reduced Fat Ice Cream: Rocky Road

Rocky Road is pretty much the perfect flavor, if you ask me. Chocolate with almonds and marshmallows? Delicion. The problem with marshmallows, though, is that I think you have to put them in the ice cream before it is packaged. If you go to some place like Cold Stone Creamery, their marshmallows will inevitably be hard as rocks and chip your tooth. Marshmallows are delicious no matter what, but still. I like the way my mouth looks with all its teeth.

Mm-mm! Doesn't that picture look delicious? Unforch, that is not what you will find inside your box of Kroger Deluxe. I didn't pick this ice cream; my dad did. His heart was in the right place. It's made with Splenda, which I usually cannot tell from real sugar (or at least I've trained my taste buds not to care.) Yet in this case I definitely could. It almost tasted like it was made with Equal or Sweet 'n Low. Also, way to skimp on the marshmallows. I think they in fact used marshmallow creme and not even real marshmallows! Imposter! And not many almonds here. Also, I prefer my chocolate base to be a little darker than the mocha-ish color presented here. However, hey, it's ice cream, I'll still eat it. But you won't be fooling your kids/friends/neighbors/mistress into thinking this is regular ice cream if they usually avoid low fat crap. Best to keep it to yourself.

Kroger Deluxe Reduced Fat Ice Cream in Rocky Road has 120 calories per 1/2 cup serving, 40 from fat.

That's all! Comment and tell me how much ice cream you usually eat in one sitting!

Feta cheese!

2009-03-16T17:26:00.000-07:00

We can all agree that cheese is nature's perfect food (unless you are vegan, because then you eat soy cheese, which is not so perfect and maybe not even much of a food.) Think about how to describe what cheese tastes like to someone who has never had it. Can you think of any word other than 'cheesy'? If you can, shut up and let me make my point.

There are many kinds of delicious cheeses, most of them not only extremely expensive but also pretty awful for you. If you buy an expensive enough cheese, then they no longer list the nutritional information, which leads me to believe that rich people don't care what they weigh. Good for them. I probably wouldn't care about anything other than lying in a bathtub full of diamonds and calling people who were mean to me in the past and saying, "Guess what? I'm lying in a bathtub full of diamonds."

But I digress. Another nice thing about cheese is that it makes things that otherwise don't taste good, taste delicious! In fact, it makes them taste like... cheese! So today I will be reviewing a very handy and healthy cheese product with which to make bad things taste good.

Athenos Reduced Fat Feta Cheese

Mmmm, feta. How great thou art. Use it in pasta, potato salad, regular salad, chocolate cake, etc. I find that feta is a great addition to anything that doesn't taste good, actually. You know how they say a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down? It could just as easily be feta. And it would fit into the phrasing of the song, too.

I was a little hesitant about reduced fat feta cheese, as cheese crumbles tend to be made delicious by the amount of fat they contain. Think bleu cheese. But since the words 'reduced fat' mean more to me than 'sale' or 'Jeffrey Dean Morgan kissing booth', I figured I'd give it a whirl.

I tried it out on my usual salad of spinach, feta, and olive oil viniagrette and am happy to report that it is absolutely a good substitute for the real thing. I can taste just an ever so slight difference; it is maybe a little less tart than the regular fat kind. I must include the caveat that the salad dressing I use is quite overpowering and may account for some of my satisfaction. But other members of my family have also eaten the reduced fat feta and I have gotten no complaints.

The Athenos Reduced Fat Feta Cheese packs 90 calories for 1/4 cup serving, with 35 of those from fat (4g total fat, 2.5 saturated.) The regular kind also has 90 calories per serving, but 60 from fat (7g total fat, 4g saturated fat.) I actually don't generally care about calories from fat unless it's something astronomical like 76% of your daily fat needs- I'm usually more into total calories, period (though the low fat versions generally have fewer calories than regular, just not in this case.) But if you care about that kind of stuff, the reduced fat feta is the bomb.

That's all for today. Comment and tell me your favorite cheese!

Assorted diet drinks from Coca-Cola!

2009-03-14T21:41:00.000-07:00

Oh, diet soda. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

So, you know how they say that you would need to drink upwards of 15 cans of diet soda a day to actually get cancer from the sweeteners? Well, my body is riddled with cancer (not really, get off my back American Cancer Society.) But I do loves me the diet soda. I used to abhor it, as it was all my very health conscious mother would ever let us have in the way of carbonated beverages. I grew up on a steady diet of pilfered diet Mountain Dew, but I secretly pined for regular Sprite, a rare treat that I only got during my once weekly trip to McDonald's with my dad when my mom was working late. Once I got old enough to order my own drinks in a restaurant, or to go to restaurants on my own, I bathed in all the regular soda one could ask for. I would have filled up a hot tub with at shit and soaked in it if I were able. And then, one day when I was probably 15, I ordered diet Coke at a restaurant instead of regular, figuring that the double cheeseburger and large cheez fry I was about to sink my teeth in to probably had enough calories in it without the added sugar from the Slurm.

And I never looked back.

Now I am a confirmed diet soda addict. I would wager to guess that I generally drink between 4 and 7 cans a day, except when I go out. I gave up drinking for Lent this year, so to replace the alcohol with something equally unhealthy, I've taken to drinking about 6 glasses of diet Coke in the course of a night if I'm at a bar. I am probably the only person that leaves the bar far more alert than she arrived. I will say that too much diet Coke can sometimes have the same effect as alcohol as far as making you say things you later regret. If you find me putting my finger in your face and giving you unsolicited advice, please believe me- it's the diet Coke talking.

I am not picky about my diet soda and will drink any calorie free carbonated beverage that I can get my hands on. For the purpose of this review, I will only be reviewing select diet drinks from the fine folks at the Coca Cola company. I'll start with the classic:

Diet Coke
Maybe it's the friendly, effervescent logo- so bubbly! See how they mix cursive with your generic block lettering? Truly innovative. Maybe it's the way it tickles your nose in a feeling akin to bending over your stove to light a cigarette- a little dangerous, but well worth it. Maybe it's the way it wakes your up like a morning cup of coffee without the temptation of stealing a handful's worth of those delicious little French Vanilla creamers on your way to the cash register to pay for it.

Or maybe it's that it's a fucking diet Coke, of course it will taste magical.

Diet Coke is pretty much a religion. Those who drink it drink it obsessively and exclusively. They drink it with every meal. Hell, it IS a meal. I think the way they get you hooked is by serving it at restaurants as the only diet option. I bet you'd see lots of diet Sprite devotees if it were the other way around. As it stands, diet Coke is pretty ubiquitous and relatively inexpensive. You can get it everywhere, and since a good 50% of people in this country pretty much have an IV of it hooked into their arm, you can always get a sip if you need a pick me up.

I could blame the caffeine for making diet Coke so addictive, but I don't even think that's it. I once heard someone describe diet Coke's appeal as lying in its consistency, how it doesn't have that thick, tar-y feeling as it slides down your throat like regular Coke. I find that I kind of like the cancery taste of diet Coke; it is kind of refreshing. I find it especially effective in the morning with a big, heavy breakfast, like pancakes and bacon. You can feel the diet Coke dissolving the food particles in your gullet. Mmm, faux metabolism!

For those of you who worry about such paltry concerns as malnutrition and osteoporosis stemming from a nonstop river of diet Coke into your tummy, they now make delicious diet Coke Plus, with added vitamins! Granted, it's not a lot, but any little bit helps. Like someone's going to complain that they overdosed on vitamin E. Now watch, someone will do it. Diet Coke Plus, I can attest, tastes just like regular diet Coke. You can't even taste the vitamins! Give it to the kids at snack time! Yummy!

I do, however, think it is an acquired taste, as people who do not like diet soda will generally cite diet Coke as the worst offender. The best thing to do with these people is to inform them that their opinion is wrong.

Caffeine Free Diet Coke
I had to throw this one in because I find it to taste so inexplicably different from regular diet Coke. It's flatter, of course, but I think that's to be expected when it doesn't have the electric energy of 2000 milligrams of caffeine rushing through it. But it's also sweeter. Like, a lot sweeter. Someone told me once that they used a different sweetener for this because the lack of caffeine would make it taste strange, but I don't know if that person was full of shit because I can't remember who the hell it was. I can say that caffeine free diet, or CFD as I used to abbreviate it in my waitressing days, will definitely do in a pinch, and might be the best thing to mix with your rum. It also has the advantage over caffeine free diet Pepsi, of which my friend Heather says, "It's like drinking air." CFD is substantial enough to drink in lieu of real diet Coke, but it definitely doesn't give you the same satisfying "oh my god my stomach lining it's burning it's burning" feeling that diet Coke does first thing in the morning.

Diet Coke with Lime

Now, is that a sexy graphic or what? Actually, it's giving me a kind of unpleasant mental image of slicing my mouth on the razor sharp ends of the can and then having my cuts doused in lime juce. But I digress.

Diet Coke with Lime is my mom's new favorite drink. A similarly devoted diet soda drinker, Mama always has been a sucker for the added fruit accent. I've sampled it several times and will say this: It'll do.

The problem with these added accents, like vanilla or lemon or sausage, is that not only do they alter the burny feeling that I so dearly love in my diet soda, but they also tend to make it taste vaguely alcoholic. And not in the good way. In the "this vaguely makes me feel like I wanna puke" way. I think that feeling is probably unique to me, as one morning during my waitressing days I caught a big whiff of some cut lemons that were on the verge of turning. Just so happened I had a few too many amaretto sours that night before. Not a good memory. That is what diet Coke with lime reminds me of- an alcoholic drink with a little too much booze that is being masked by a twist. However, I will still drink it, because as I've said before, I will never turn my nose up at a diet soda.

Coke Zero
I freebase Coke Zero. I don't remember when I first discovered it, but I can tell you that it was magical. The tides changed. The angels wept. I might have gotten a boner, and I'm a girl. That's how good this shit is. There have been multiple times when I've gotten up in the middle of the night craving a Coke Zero and could not get back to sleep unless I downed one, generally a lukewarm one from my garage. A lack of Coke Zero in my house constitutes a full on red alert EMERGENCY. A few weeks ago I briefly switched to mostly diet Coke- I would stop at a gas station on my way to rehearsal in the morning and pick up a bottle to get me through. But then I poured myself a glass at home and it was like being reborn. "Never leave me again," I said to my Coke Zero, and it didn't answer, but that's okay, he was just playing hard to get. I like that in a drink.

The appeal of Coke Zero lies in that it really does taste, to me, almost exactly like regular Coke. To be honest, if I didn't care about calories and whatnot, I would never have switched to diet in the first place, so I still have a soft spot for the Slurm. But the taste of regular Coke with none of the pesky calories? I'll buy that for a dollar! I am happy to report that the Coke Zero does retain just the right amount of the ever important burn-y feeling. Coke Zero is also particularly delicious served from a 2 liter. Don't ask me why.

I have converted several friends and relatives to the Church of the Coke Zero. Even Raymond, who steadfastly refuses to drink anything diet, will drink it when he's over. My father, who rarely drinks anything other than gallon upon gallon of iced tea, has also been known to partake. If I can awaken even one more person to the wonders of Coke Zero, then I have done my job.

All the Coke Zero subsidiaries are equally delicious, such as Vanilla Coke Zero and Cherry Coke Zero, with the cherry option retaining the most burniness and the vanilla being more delicious. But just plain Coke Zero is really where it's at. I predict that in the future, every softdrink will have a 'zero' counterpart. They've already done it with Sprite, and let me tell you- it tastes nothing like regular Sprite, and it is HUGE in South America.

Tab
I'll end with the true pioneer in diet soda technology- Tab. This is what your mom was drinking when she saw your dad across the quad in 1976. With the advent of more delicious and less cancer causing diet drinks, Tab slowly faded into obscurity, but for the truly dedicated among us, it is out there.

I began drinking Tab during Evil Dead: The Musical when I was trying to quit smoking. I figured I would replace one carcinogen with another. I was also itching to have a can around so I could quote Polyester whenever I wanted to ("Look, Francine, I got Tab for our diet!") I was a little apprehensive at first, but discovered that it was pretty much diet Coke in a more attractive can. And really, doesn't that make all the difference? There appears to be a little less carbonation in the tab, and I think the sweetener may be slightly different. But it's pretty much a diet Coke that grabs much more attention than your boring, everyday silver can. And also, it's Tab. Come on. Few things are more awesome than that. I'm pretty sure any cancer causing agents have been phased out, but people must still be apprehensive because it's only available in 12 packs and I have yet to see it sold individually at gas stations. I hear they make a Tab energy drink now. I highly doubt I will ever sample it unless it has zero calories, but I admire the folks at Coca Cola for reclaiming that fierce pink label and making it cool again.

Well, that's enough for now, I'm sure. Comment with how many diet sodas you drink a day! The person who drinks the most wins a vitamin deficiency!

2009-03-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my first ever post on my new diet food blog!

I guess people start these review blogs with some sort of introduction, and stickler that I am for protocol, that is what I'll do.

I recently started seeing a nutritionist after years of crazy eating. One of the first things she said to me was that I needed to work on learning how to eat the "real thing." Meaning, the not low-fat, sugar free, no sodium, 0% trans fat thing. Now, I'll concede that her heart is in the right place. But I don't know if that will work. Because I love diet food.

There, I said it.

I've been on every diet ever. Really. I even did the Beyonce 'lemon water with cayenne pepper and maple syrup' diet (didn't take. Imagine that.) And from years of being on diets, I have embraced the diet food more than I ever embraced the 'healthy' lifestyle that they were supposed to instill in me. I am that person who would never dream of buying a box of Poptarts unless that were the kind that advertise '20% of your daily fiber needs!' I can't remember the last time I ate ice cream that did not claim to have '30% less fat than our regular blend!' (What the hell they blend together to make ice cream, I do not want to know.) I am the queen of diet soda and Slimfast and fiber powders.

However, I am constantly surrounded by people who hate diet food. It gives them a headache. They can taste the missing fat! Two such people are my dad and my best friend, so imagine how frustrating it is to try to explain to people with no concept of diet food how awesome it is that the pasta sauce we are eating has 10 grams of protein and zero trans fats!

So this blog is, I guess, for three kinds of people- people who eat diet food, people who don't, and me. Here I will review what I consider to be diet food (and if you don't consider it to be diet food, then start your own damn food blog.) I don't intend it to be advice on what you should eat, and I certainly think that if you don't care about how many calories are in your soda that you probably have a much healthier outlook than I. So take it as entertainment, because I do.